Expert: Joanne - 8/4/2008

Question
Hi Joanne, I am feeling very confused about the situation I am in at the moment and was unsure where to turn.

When I was 9/10 I began refusing food, by time I was 11 I was skipping breakfast, throwing lunch and avoiding dinner. It was a control thing for me, and when my family noticed and became worried I started eating, and then making myself sick. I'd be ok for some months, and then I would starve myself until someone noticed, and have to binge eat justso I could make them happy I was eating, but eat enough so I could make myself sick.

When I left home and went to college/uni it became easier to control my food intake. I had no one nagging, and I was so busy that I'd go days without food, or a drink. I drink so little its untrue.

I became pregnant at 19 and when I saw myself at 20 weeks, and a size 8 I knew I had to do something, if not for me, for my baby. I started eating and I got myself through it. It was hard but I had a focus, my son. By time he was born I was a very healthy 10/12 figure and eating well. I managed to maintain my weight and stay healthy for 18 months but then noticed I had put some weight on. Instantly my thoughts were to stop eating, which I did. However, I now had a great network of friends who all helped me and eventually I was eating 2-3 meals a day.

Then 2 years ago I moved from England where my family are, to Wales. It was a very good move and socially I am very settled. However, it meant I had to resign from my rounders team which I loved, and I played and practice 4 times a week minimum so kept me in shape. Also meant i couldnt go out running as a baby sitter was not always to hand. With having a medical condition that means I cant break food down properly weight quickly piled on. Not because I was eating the wrong foods, but because I wasnt working out a lot and my body couldnt break down the foods on its own.

For the first year I tried so hard to make sure every food I ate was good for me (low GI foods are better for me to break down) however the weight piled on. Now Im a size 16 and I hate myself. For the last 3/4 months I have been completely obsessed by my weight and how I look. Ive started pushing my partner away and wearing really loose fitting clothes. I am fighting really hard against with holding food. I really thought I was long passed eating problems but I am so worried I am going to end up regressing. Last week I never ate more than one meal a day, and today I found myself enjoying that feeling of being hungry. I know I am slipping to my old ways but I feel like I dont want to stop it. Last time I regressed I wasnt overweight so I knew it was stupid, but this time I keep thinking it'll be ok for me just to loose the weight then get back on the straight and narrow.

My consultant is working extra hard to find a balance of medication to control my medical condition and to help my weightloss (I have poly cystic ovarie syndrome if it helps to know). I have also been suffering headaches, and I know its because I am not drinking enough. I can go 2-3 days without any fluid intake then I get a headache and realise how long I have left it. I sometimes wonder if this is related to the restricting of food. I like the feeling of control, and I am scared to admit I like the feeling of being hungry.

I really dont want to regress, I really dont want to damage myself, but Im finding it so hard not to. Please advise me what steps to take. I have never seen a counsellor for my eating, although my dietitian is aware of my history.

Sorry this is long. My ED started because of something negative in my life, not because of my weight. It was all about gaining control.. There is nothing negative going on right now, in fact my life is really starting to work out in the right direction. I just dont understand why its come back and why I cant fight the feeling off.

Kind regards,

Christine xx

Answer
Christine

It is very common for people to have developed eating disorders in their past in response to something negative, never deal with those issues properly, and it to resurface years into the future when they thought they were now fine!

It is very important that you are honest with your consultant as many of your symptoms can be made worse due to your eating behaviours and the fact that you are starving yourself!  This needs to be addressed so that it can be established whether or not your symptoms are solely due to the condition, or also due to the eating disorder.  

You need to get help for this, and not just from a dietician, although that is a good place to start.  Correcting your eating patterns is pointless, and may even be impossible without psychological input to help you resolve the issues that led you to eating disorder!

Joanne