Expert: Leigh-Anne Persing, PA-C - 9/5/2008

Question
At the age of 16-18 I had anorexic symptoms with bulemic tendencies.  Got down to 80 lbs before I got scared.  Then I went to overeating.  Ended up getting up to 160 lbs (5'2")  I recently went through a divorce and am now 33 years old.  A few months ago, my anxiety was so high I started to binge and feel so gross I'd vomit.  Was only about once a day or so.  It has progressed to the point that I vomit everything I eat and drink.  I can't keep it in my body.  All it took was a negative conversation or me not feeling safe.  It is to a point that I'm not eating anything.  I drink 8 oz of water a day.  I'm afraid to eat because I don't want to throw up.  Went to lunch with my mom and had to eat.  Threw it all up.  What I read is people dieting to stay thin.  I don't feel the need to be thin (although a bonus)  For me its more about emptiness, punishment.  Is this considered an eating disorder or something else?  I cry everytime I'm over the toilet.

Answer
Yes, it appears as though you may be suffering from an eating disorder. Eating disorders are NOT, for the most part, about weight and food. For some people it may start off that way, but in the end it is largely about having control, being safe, in some aspect of one's life. Stress usually exacerbates, or causes a relapse, in many people. Your eating disorder is your best friend right now... it's filling that emptiness you are feeling. But you have to realize that it is NOT your best friend, and your life will slowly deteriorate. I would suggest you pick up the book "Life without ED" by Jenni Schaefer. I read it over and over while I was dealing with my eating disorder. It helped me to identify why I was using my eating disorder and how to change the negative thoughts associated with it. To you right now you are stuffing all of your feelings down (with food) and then getting rid of all those feeling by vomiting... While you are eating nothing else in the world matters, and if you are starving yourself, then your mind is preoccupied by thoughts of not eating, instead of the stress that you are supposed to be dealing with in your life. You need to deal with your feelings regarding the divorce, and whatever else may be going on in your life, and when you do then the eating habits will get better. Obviously you need to deal with the eating issues while you are dealing with the life stressors, but ultimately things will improve when you stop and address the root of the problem.