Expert: Meg - 9/13/2008

Question
i am 5'2'' and alter between binge eating and anorexia.  right now i am 98 lbs.  
i knooow i need to gain.  i want to be anywhere from 102-105 lbs i think.  i
am still eating 700 cals a day and count my splenda and spray butter and
pam and coffee in my count... prob adds up to 30 of my cals a day.  i eat a lb
in a half to 2 lbs of fruit a day as my food bc its safe.  i stick to protein and
fruit and veggies.  i dont eat meat but i eat fish  i am scared.  i will binge if i
eat carbs like breads or cereals or fats like nuts or sauces.  i dont know what
to eat.  i dont know how many cals to raise a day to gain.  i do see a
nutritionist and she asked me to go to 1500 and im scared.

how many can i do?  i know i messed up my metabolism and im scared.  ive
been heavy and when i gain too much i use drugs.  i have 6 months clean and
dont want to relapse.

chocolate is a huuuge drug for me... i will binge baaaad on it and then not
eat for a week.  i have not binged since july 6th.  but i cant lose anymore and
i look gross.  i am weak and have chest pain.

Answer
Hi Dana,

Thanks for your question and I hope that I can be of some help.  I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time right now and hope that you can feel better soon.

First off, its great that that you have six months clean and that you haven't binged since July 6th.  Those are both huge accomplishments and show how strong you are (and can be)...so remember that when you're struggling.  

I'm glad that you're seeing a nutritionist as it sounds like your eating is pretty off right now (which I'm sure that you know) and I hope that she can help you continue to form healthy diet plans as I know that is tough when you're still in an eating disordered mindset.  I think that you probably need to eat at least 1500 calories to get yourself healthier, which probably sounds a little daunting right now.  I understand, I really do...Ultimately, I think the best thing to do is find a meal plan that allows for some safe carbs (as you need them for energy) as well as some fats-and also keeps the fruits and veggies and protein that you're having right now.  That said, for now-I would suggest trying to up your calories slowly so that you can get to an amount that will give your body what it needs-which will ultimately help with stopping any binging that is happening.  I don't even know if you will gain (you probably won't) at 1500-but it will be a good start and get you a bit healthier, which helps everything in terms of taking steps forward.   

It really sounds to me like you're pretty deep into the eating disordered thinking right now (which I totally don't mean in a condescending way at all-its just that reading your note reminds me of a time when I was there as well and I know how hard and crappy a place that is).  That you're counting calories so closely (even the spray butter, which is oddly something that most anorexics, myself included when I was sick-seem to love) and are so scared of eating breaks my heart as I know that place puts you so firmly between a rock and a hard place.  The good news is that you can get out of this and get healthier without getting *fat* (which I think everyone who attempts to recover from anorexia is terrified of).  I read once that people who have been anorexic almost never get "fat"-although I definitely think that most of us definitely feel that way while trying to get better.  The key is to take a leap of faith and trust me-and others who have done this-when we say that eating 1500 calories (and even more) and letting go of some of the rules and rituals will not cause you to get fat suddenly or anything else bad that you might think.  

As for the slow metabolism, this is another thing that most people recovering fear-but generally, people's metabolisms get moving pretty quickly and I've actually seen people lose weight while eating more because their metabolism suddenly kicks into high gear.  

I think the key is to take a step back and look at what you want overall in your life.  Its pretty clear, when you get that perspective, that even though anorexia sometimes feels like the answer, the control isn't real and it only leads to actually weakening you and your dreams.  And, the good thing is that getting healthier does NOT mean you have to end up fat-even if you've been heavy before (and I say this from experience because I, too, went through a heavy phase before I developed anorexia).  

Its scary that you feel week and your chest hurts and I think these are signs from your body that its time to take that leap of faith and let go of even some of the eating disorder-so that you can feel better.  

I apologize for rambling here and I hope that this helps at least a little.  I'm going to give you some good, recovery orientated links, in case you need any motivation and support to get moving.  

And please do take care and feel free to write anytime if there is anything else I can answer or help with.

You are a strong person, Dana...and I know that you can do this.

Best,
Meg


http://www.something-fishy.org/

(really great site, their support boards helped me tremendously)

http://eatingdisorderrecovery.com/

http://www.eating-disorder.com/