Expert: Joanne - 1/22/2009

Question
I have and eating disorder and i really need help becasue i don't know what to do about it. I starve myself and if i eat i get really sick after wards. My parents don't know about it and i can never tell them. They have talked to me before and asked me if i had a disorder but i just said no. I have one really great friend and shes always there for me and she said i should go get help before it gets to bad. Well I'm afraid to get help and I'm not sure what will happen. I don't know any place to go to and i just want this to all stop. I'm stressed out everyday and i just take it all out on myself and this is what happened. So please help me if you can.

Answer
Nick,

The first step in beating an eating disorder is admitting to youself that you have such a problem, and you have obviously been able to do that seeing as you are here asking this question.  The nest step is to tell someone else!

Your parents have obviously been concerned for you over your eating habits that they have already questioned you about it, why don't you feel you could talk to them about this?  It is perfectly understandable for you to have denied it initially, most people will keep it hidden to begin with, so if you are worried that they will be upset that you didn't admit to it first time round, then please try not to beat yourself up over that!  Is there anyway at all that you could sit down with them and discuss the difficulties you are having?  Parents only want the best for their children and in the majority of cases, they are the best people to get support from when you are trying to beat an eating disorder.

It is great to hear that you have a friend that you can confide in - have they suggested any ways in which you should get help?

I think that you need to open up to someone else!  It is easy to talk to a friend, but sometime friendship and loyalties can make them keep this secret hidden, which is not good for them, nor is it good for you!  It took me ages to realise the kind of position that I put my friends in!  They have to sit back and watch you slowly killing yourself, and that is extremely hard on them.  They don't want to hurt you, so potentially try to preserve that friendship while you continue to get sicker and sicker!  You risk alienating your friend as she can't bare to watch, or possibly risk having her feel really guilty and beating herself up if you become really ill and she feels like it is her fault for not saying anything!  This might not apply to your friendship, but it can be an extremely awkward position for friends, and I just want you to be aware of that.  So, it may be worth you using all your determination to stop this to take steps to finding professional help now!

I would recommend your parents first of all, but if this is a definite no, then please think about your doctor as the next best place to go first.  Your doctor should be able to make sure that you are physically ok and then hopefully refer you on to specialist services.  In fact, you may have specialist services in your area that will take self-referrals, it is worth investigating that.  I know that depending on where you are from doctors can be an issue if you are on your parents health insurance (here in the UK, visiting your regular GP should be fine and your parents needn't be initially informed providing you are over 14 I think), but if the doctor isn't somewhere you feel that you can be open, are you still at school or college?  If so, then they are likely to have a counsellor, guidance teachers, or actually any teacher you trust, or school nurse.  Any of these people should be able to talk to you and point you in the direction of more professional help in your area.  

Please just take care of yourself, and know that eating disorders can be deadly!  Think carefully about what you are doing to yourself, and know that people who love you will be there to support you when you decide to recover from this disorder.

Please talk to someone soon!

Joanne