Expert: Jeanne Rust, PhD - 12/7/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello,
Please can you help me.I have been dating a wonderful, kind, intelligent, perfectionist but painfully thin man for the last 3 months. Recently he confessed that he is 7kgs underweight but that he has been lighter than this in the not too distant past. Having spent time with him, i notice he doesn't eat enough, is very strict about what he eats and seriously berates himself if he has any alcohol. Dessert is ONE kiwi fruit!! He owns a scale and weighs himself everyday. He is 28, 1.86m tall and weighs 68kgs.
What really concerns me is that he keeps asking me how i could possibly want to be with him and that its just a matter of time before i leave him. He says he is a bad person and he knows what he looks like when he looks at himself in the mirror...that he is sooo very unattractive and I cant possibly love him. He thinks i am incredibly beautiful, smarter than him,and overall way too good to be with him, because I must be an angel. He has attempted suicide twice, the last time in July but wont go for help. He also wants to sleep all the time. Lately he has said that he is developing feelings for me and that maybe its better we stop having sex and just be friends. He really tries his hardest to push me away, i leave him then but always return 2 or 3 days later, and he then apologizes profusely saying he cant understand how i could forgive him but I am an answered prayer. I catch him staring at me and found him touching my face and stroking my hair while i was "sleeping" When I opened my eyes he was looking at me with sheer love. I held him. The next morning he refused to kiss me...Does anorexia have this emotional effect on men or is there something more? I sometimes wonder if he has a split personality...I really do love him and will stick by him and try to help him in any way, but jut need to know how I should deal with his erratic emotions and his eating problem to be of any benefit to him recovering.
Thanks in advance
Michelle

ANSWER: Dear Michelle,

I'm so glad that you wrote me!  You really have your work cut our for you.  Trying to have a relationship with someone who has an active eating disorder is extremely difficult.  It seems that he's having cognitive problems as well as sexual issues along with the eating disorder.

This will not get better no matter what you do!  A long time ago someone told me about the three C's --1.  You didn't Cause it; 2.  You can't Cure it;  3.  You can't control it!  Your boyfriend is going to do what he's always done until he makes the decision to get some help -- with a psychologist or psychotherapist who specializes in eating disorders.

As his weight drops and he eats less, his cognitive ability will become increasingly reduced and his emotional problems more difficult -- not only for him but certainly for you.  There is always the thought (many women have this) that if I could only make him well, he'd be so wonderful.

You need to honestly ask yourself what you're getting out of being in a dysfunctional relationship like this one.  There will be just more heart ache ahead for you.

The one thing you can do is to tell him that you truly care about him but that you can't sit back and watch him die.  Tell him that you'll be willing to see him again when he gets some help.  But not until then.  Sometimes the tough love approach is necessary to save their lives!!  I'm quite serious about this.

Please read as much as you can about male eating disorders and anorexia on the web.  Let me know how you (and he) do!

Warmly,
Jeannie Rust, PhD
CEO/Founder
Mirasol Recovery Programs
www.mirasol.net
www.edrecovery.com
888-520-1700

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for coming back to me.
I spoke to him yesterday in a very gentle but clear way. I should maybe tell you I once lived with a girl who was an anorexic bulimic, who cut/self harmed regularly...I felt a deep compassion for her suffering and used to go with her to her therapist and also read the book on the "secret language of eating disorders" which really helped me to understand what the disease is about and capable of.
So hence with my boyfriend, you may wonder why it took me so long to realize his anorexia? Well, he has hidden it well, admittedly he is thin, but not skeletal, and also i wasn't looking for Anorexia when i was with him, until i started observing that he wouldn't eat at my house, the food obsession and the push pull nature of his emotions. I have to constantly remind myself when he says extremely hurtful things that it is the disease speaking.
He has managed to gain 5 kgs in 9 months. I have told him that he is doing very well and to persevere. When I spoke to him and told him he was suffering from anorexia I was surprised that he didn't object. He said "perhaps" and then later told me he thinks he is anorexic but that no one has ever told him that before, and that he doesn't know much about anorexia. He has never been for treatment or spoken to anyone professional about it, but told me he has always been thin (he was teased in childhood and loved winter because he could wear layers and would look "healthy").He has never been able to weigh more than 70kgs.
He said I have an amazing ability to get him to talk and tell me all his secrets, and I believe him. He has never been in love and doesn't know what love is (his words).His father abandoned them when he was 10. He was raised by his mother and sister but worked for 5 years to put his sister through university. He only has a high school qualification and feels very frustrated with this limitation, but cant seem to save, and although he hates his job, he is a manager of a pub,he wont change jobs because he has control there. He constantly tells me human beings are all takers and are not to be trusted, we are all rats.
Sexually he has had very sporadic sex and sadly has probably been with more prostitutes than "normal" women. He says that it is safe and no one gets hurt.(intimacy issues?) What saddens me more is that last year (which may be why he had a relapse) he said he was unemployed and needed money desperately and had prostituted himself with men for money in order to survive.He says he lives with this shame. I also know with my old house mate that she (a lesbian) would have frequent, random sex with men and women. Why do they do this?? He threatens that he will go back to having sex with prostitutes and will love me minus the physical affection. Is sex perceived to be something dirty and dark? I told him I didn't want to have sex with him.I sense that he wants to control me, and that by telling me he wont have sex with me(but then says he probably will again in the future) is a means of controlling me because he sees it affects me emotionally making him feel he is in control of me.Was I wrong to have told him that?
Anyhow, he has said he will contact social security and go for help. I have said I will go with him and he says I don't have to. I have told him that I know I don't have to but that I would like to, to be of some support because it can be scary initially.
He was fine with everything until the afternoon and then started insulting me telling me I was easy and I have only been a curiosity for him, insulting my physical appearance, and saying that I should stop interfering in his life. That if I walk away now he will never miss me. I kept quiet.
Last night (he works horrific hours in a pub until 5am with a dark and decadent clientele) at his work he became progressively moodier and moodier and very quiet that even his clients and staff were aware he was angry.I was there to meet a friend for dinner. I told him I would return later for a bit to which he objected telling me he wanted to be alone. I said I would return for a short while but then didn't, thinking maybe he needs time to digest and accept everything.I have thought of staying away from him for a week or so,hopefully he will make an effort to contact the doctors and also perhaps to have time to miss me and maybe realize my intentions are good. I have told him repeatedly that I love him and that I will never abandon him..he says in time I will. He has no real friends to speak of other than a client who he has a drink with once a week on a Friday night.
What I find really strange is that he lives in the same building as his sister and mother (different apartments) but he seldom sees them and they don't seem/want to be aware that he has a problem. Have they not seen the scars from cutting on his arms and legs?? Or noticed his weight?? So my question is, do I ignore his abusive remarks and pushing away, wanting isolation and excessive sleep or do I persevere with a happy smile and show him I am consistent in my words and my actions? His words are hard sometimes, but I am strong emotionally. He is a person, and he is alone and afraid, and I love him, and I also know that I have no guarantees...but i cant just walk away, my humanness will not permit me.

ANSWER: Dear Michele,

Here's what you can do -- now that you've gotten him used to the idea that he is anorexic, you can tell him that you won't be with him unless he starts recovery!  Your life literally will be hell -- Everyone time he is emotionally abusive to you, you lose a bit of yourself.  YHe's ou are in an emotionally abusive relationship right now.  You can look upon him as your drug!!

I would recommend that you attend some Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings.  Do some reading about co-dependency.  This will have a serious effect on you -- the longer you're in this relationship.

He's playing the victim --  oh, poor me, everyone leaves me anyway.  Then the angry abusive part -- then the make-up.  This is a cycle of violence -- emotional violence and abuse.

Do some reading, go to some meetings and let me know what you think.  You are not his saviour and you're not brave and valiant!!

Warmly,
Jeannie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you again for being so honest with me. I have had a look at co-dependency sites. I live in Madrid Spain and don't know much Spanish. Is there an on line blog or forum I could join? I am always open to learn especially about myself, so it can only benefit me.

I called him after receiving your mail and had also sent him a website for a public service for people with Anorexia. I explained that he needed to contact them and make an appointment and the be HONEST about his cutting, suicide attempts, EVERYTHING! He said he had looked up anorexia and didn't think it was his problem. I explained that he may feel good now but cant tell when then next downward turn will come, and that the anorexia was a result of his "other unresolved issues" that have never been treated. I then also told him that I wouldn't be able to see him until he has gone for help. He was surprised and said he would call today.
He sent me a vague message about my laptop today(he has been helping with an upgrade because although he is Romanian, his Spanish is really good) I called and asked if he was busy at work and he replied yes. So I told him to give me a call as soon as he had a moment free...that was 5 hours ago. So I guess he didn't call and is now waiting to see my reaction and if i will stick to not seeing him, which i will.
You are really so right that this is an abusive relationship and i definitely deserve better...much better!!
So i will stick to my word and hope that he does get some help...for his own benefit.

Thanks again and I hope you'll be able to help me with a co-dependency site

Answer
Dear Michelle,

Would you believe that I was a member of a group that started the first Codependents Anonymous group in Europe in 1989?  It was when I was living on Mallorca -- 5 years there and loved every minute of it.

Living in Madrid is fabulous -- do you have a newspaper for ex-pats in the city?  Or you can see if you can find an AA office -- they might know of Al-anon meetings or CODA meetings!

You are being quite courageous, you know!  It's very hard to do this -- to make a break -- for your own health -- and it might even help him -- When he hears that you're getting some help, he might begin to take it seriously.

Please stay in touch and let me know how you do!  It's frigid in Madrid I bet right now!!

Warmly,
Jeannie