Expert: Sally - 3/3/2009

Question
i'm 17,5'9.5,around 7stone 10lbs and suffered from anorexia nervosa.along with that came bulimia, self harming and depression. after four years of this, the later three 'issues' becoming more apparent in the last two years of my disorder. after falling ill with a strong case of shingles, the result of coming off an obsessive and excessive regime of diet,vitamin,concentration and other pills, i took a seven month break from ballet. in this time i saw it as my recovery when really i hit an all time low from not being allowed to exercise. when the seven months came to an end i was ready to go back but so nervous to slip to old thoughts and then everything spilled out with my parents after i panicked to take my bracelets off and in a way there was a small part of me that desperately wanted them to know desperately i thought it would take a weight of my shoulders.they only saw the issue of suicidal actions and not the thoughts that were the most aggressive to me. it didnt work and they only ended up knowing certain parts where they connected events together.all they did was force me to regular supervised meals which only made me more down and bloated.obviously i hated this and like most A/N i never saw what any one else saw in the mirror, i never realised this until much much later which is why now i can see myslef how everyone else does am i recovered? ive never been to a doctor specifically about my once so dependent secret as i completly denied everything whenever i was sent to councilers or school nurses. i lied about starting my periods ,along with other lies, just to allow the school to back off.i confided in one of the girls who i danced with when i broke down in utter confusion over why nothing was happening when id overdosed on painkillers.pathetic when i think about it now but i wanted to stop everything and i hadnt stopped thinking or planning things for months before. of course something did happen but just the extreme pains it caused to my organs. i was surprised when i did just tell her and cry becasue id walked around in a daze for weeks showing little emotion at all.after this i got as far as the doctors door to asking for help but i couldnt bring myself to do it.instead i asked bout tiredness.id asked for help in a way to a tecaher before many times but he never said anything because he said as i could trust him he wouldnt pass on something thats not his to pass on. it was even more a secret.even when he would find me on numerous occassions slumped with sharp objects and blood or simply times when i was just shaking to much to draw,he was an art teacher,my pe teacher discovered i wasnt holding down all my meals and i wouldnt eat various foods.i dance teachers had called home when i couldtn physically continue and became dizy after simply exercises. and other teacehrs had inquired home to ask about me to which my [arents became annoyed that they were making problems up.i was on my own alot and thought way too much.from being in a girls school it was easier to stay away from boys and i was of course self concious.i hated being around one boy in particuluar who was introduced to me at a friends party when i was 14.ive never spoken fully about what happened with him but i know it wasnt right what he tried to do.but the thing that frighten me was that after the mild abuse from him and one other person too i complelty freeze near boys now and panick from any kind of contact.i dont want to sound ridiculous or blow it out of proportion what happened wth them as it was proabbly nothing to most people these days but iv always seemed more 'innocent' and niave than most of the girls my age.i didnt have public pictures takne for three years and still become extremely awquard when cameras are about. i hated myself being recorded and would cut myself out of images and burn photos or become violent in the attempted to get away from or deleteimages.there was so many little details and issues and close calls and reasons why everything happened and what did happen but i wont go on with things you have probably already heard before.however after everything i still almost miss it and have times i completly just flip and i find it hard to control my anger without the release of harming. the main point of writing to you is because im scared becasue the voice still comes back and though i try so hard to act normal the thoughts have never gone away although the obvious bones have started to fade. i find myself slipping agin back to old routines and im considering revisting the counciler i once struggled so hard to get out of.i slipped when using a razo blade recently and old thoughts came flashing back and i craved to do it again and then the next day i spent the time lieing about the banages and inability to move my wrists and fingers. i felt so sneeky and it was obvious not everyone belived me.im just not sure what to do because the more things used to happen the worse it would get and im at the point if i went back to old habits im scared to see what would happen next. if any of this has made sense please help.thankyou

Answer
Hi Hunni (((hugs))),

You have been though so much pain and I wish I was there to give you a hug.  I can only too well relate to many of the things you mentioned in your note and know what it's like living with those thoughts day in and day out.  It sounds to me like you are still struggling and I would recommend that you should go back and seee your consellor before things get even further out of control.