Expert: Melissa - 5/24/2009

Question
I don't know if I'm anorexic or not.  I know in the past I have been.  We are poor and do not have money for "interesting" food, nothing sounds good to me, I drink several cups of coffee during the morning and then usually nothing til dinner.  I also have MS which is depressing and you can't control.  Originally the anorexia was a way to cope, I got stuck out of state when our car broke down, I had to move in with my grown kids and get a job til I could buy a car to come home, always broke then too, my co-workers would go out for lunch and I couldn't so I turned it into sort of a 'game', like "I won't eat any lunch at all and none of you will even know!"  HaHaHa.  I am 56 and 5'4" and weigh 89.  I am scared.  My kids tell me to eat and are rightfully worried but if all we have for lunch is bread and a piece of cheese, I'd rather pass.  I feel like if we had more money to buy better food that I would eat lunches.  Am I deluding myself that I don't eat because we can't afford good food?  My Dr. is at her wits end with me.  I need a screening colonoscopy and she told me to tell the Dr. about my weight loss and maybe he will also do a scope into my stomach at the same time.  I've always been small but weighed 100 in 2006 and now am slowly slipping.  I weighed 118 when I got laid off in 2002 (sat at a desk all day) and the most I ever weighed was 123 when I was 7 months pregnant with my twins.  Am I crazy?  Do I just not SEE how bad I look?  I look OK to me for a 56 year old woman...  My blood work is always good and my hair and nails are fine.  When I graduated from high school I weighed 93 so I chalk it up to always being small, but like I said, I'm starting to get scared.  My psychiatrist has suggested counseling with a ED specialist; just what we need, one more bill to pay.  

I will listen to any suggestions.  Thank you so much for your time.  :-)

Answer
Yes. You are deluding yourself to believe it's just about the kinds of foods you can afford. Your eating disorder is telling you that's the reason why and it will find any excuse to control your life. You said yourself that you used the eating disorder to cope, so why would that be different now? How would it be just about the types of food you have now? I can tell that you're insightful and intelligent and that's why I am speaking very directly to you...I think you know deep down that what I am saying is true.
When I was struggling with my eating disorder, it was a game to me, too. I told myself, "Let's see how much weight I can lose before my dad says anything. I'll just keep losing weight till he notices." It's pretty clear to see that I just wanted him to see how much I was hurting and I was using the eating disorder to distract myself from the problems. It was something to focus on, you know?
You need to think of your kids and you need to get help. They deserve a healthy mother who can focus on them and live a long life so you can mother them. They need you. If you can't do this for yourself do it for your children; and I'm not saying you are not a valid reason to seek help because you DESERVE HELP. There are options out there for you no matter your financial state. I have to strongly encourage seeking out those options or you will just make your MS worse and die. Your kids need you.. it's time to step up.
Melissa