Expert: Jeanne Rust, PhD - 7/30/2009

Question
About a year or so ago, I weighed about 141 pounds at 5'0" tall.  I cut out sodas and made some other good changes, and lost a good amount of weight.  I'm now at about 111.  

Unfortunately, this weight loss has sparked something in me.  At first, I didn't even really diet to lose the weight, I just started drinking more water and with that came some portion control.  I didn't count calories, and I didn't restrict what types of food I ate.  

Now, I can't stop thinking about calories, weight, food, and getting fat.  I'm terrified of getting fat again.  I know the calorie content for just about every fast food restaurant or chain that's out there.  I hate going to places where I don't know the calories.  I hate eating at other people's houses because I can't keep track of what I'm eating.  I'm scared that one meal is going to make me fat.  

I had to have my husband hide the scale, because I was getting obsessive with weighing every day.  Even when I do weigh now, it colors my whole day.  While I don't want to lose any weight, I still enjoy getting on the scale and seeing the number go down.  

I've tried not to count calories and not worrying about it, but first of all that seems impossible.  When I am able to accomplish that, normally I'm too careful, and I end up losing weight.  If I try to eat more, then I feel like I'm really stuffing myself.  I get scared when I see the number on the scale going up even by .2 or .4.  I feel like it's going up too fast.  

I don't think my weight qualifies me as anorexic, but I know that something is wrong.  This has been going on since the beginning of the year.  I feel like I should just be able to snap out of it, but it's not possible.  I don't want to see a counselor, but I don't know what the next step that I should make either.  

I don't want to go back to the weight that I was, but I look back and know that I was much happier then even at my heaviest (158) than I am now.  

I realize that there is a genetic component to these disease and unfortunately my half sister is an anorexic and my mom has suffered from major depression most of her life and been in and out of hospitals.  Any advice you could give me would be appreciated.  

Thank You.

Answer
Dear Sarah,

I can tell that you're really struggling!  I'm so glad that you wrote me!

Ideally you could go to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, see her/him at least twice a week, see a nutritionist and begin to get some expert help.  You really need it right now before you become ill.  Your weight is not anorexic as you say, but your thoughts and behaviors are compulsive and anorexic.

I remember very well what it was like to get up every morning and say, "Good morning, Mr. Scale -- and what kind of day am I going to have today?"  I finally got tired of living like that.  It's simply too hard to live like that -- and not have a life!

Find the therapist, if that doesn't work, you might need residential treatment.  I joke with my clients and askthem if they'd rather have a root canal or come to treatment -- almost all pick the root canal -- this is something people don't want to do.  However it is necessary for you to heal and have the kind of vital life you want to have -- and that doesn't mean being fat!!

Let me know how you do!

Warmly,
Jeannie Rust, PhD
www.mirasol.net
www.edrecovery.com