Expert: Jeanne Rust, PhD - 8/8/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi. My name is Kerry and I am 12 years old. I want to thankyou for taking the time to read my letter. Ok, well it's kind of hard to know where to begin. I have always been slim, ever since I was little, I wasn't even a chubby baby! But when I turned about 10, classmates started calling me anorexic, and saying I was too thin. I can guarentee that at this point it was absolutley NOT true; I ate all the time and didn't exercise much, yet I didn't even put on a pound of weight - I was so lucky! But then when I was just eleven a couple of adults mentioned how thin I was, and me being me I brushed the comments off without a word, knowing that it wasn't true. Now in about October 08, everything changed. I don't know why, put I suddenly got it into my mind to lose weight. But I had to do it without my parents finding out, so I would eat fine in the house, and make up for it by not eating when I was not in their company. This would mean eating very little at school and anywhere else. It even got to the point where I was singing in a concert somewhere and I was told I was not allowed on stage unless I ate something. Later that evening, I was told by a nurse that I was far too thin and that if I was a patient of hers, she would set me on a diet too lose more weight. This really frustrated me, but I kept quiet. Slowly things gradually got worse. When I turned 12 in November, I became more and more determined to not eat and lose the weight that I wanted. But I found this very difficult, as I was eating more than enough in front of my parents, and being lectured by friends outside of the house. Yet I was still in denial of an eating disorder. In about January, I decided to set my fears aside and took over 100 eating disorder screening tests on the internet. I know that not all of these tests are reliable, but that doesn't change the fact that not one test said that I was ok, they all said that it was very likely that I had an issue. I cried myself to sleep that night, this wasn't how I wanted to live my life. I had started  a new school in Sept 08 and I was doing ok there for a while, until everyone started calling me anorexic again. This time I diddn't just brush it off, it hurt knowing that they think that of me but they didn't know the real truth. I would get into screaming matches with people and nearly had a fight with a girl. It was awful. It still is. Anyway, with all of this going on, I would purposely not make time for breakfast, or throw it away when my mum wasn't looking, then, I would eat as little as possible for lunch and eat a full dinner. I would also exercise a bit, but not over the top.
A few days after I took the tests on the internet, I went to my science teacher after class and out of curiosity I asked a couple of questions about eating disorders. She answered them and then asked why I wanted to know and said that she was a bit concerned. I lied that it was for a movie I was making and made a quick exit. Unfortuantly, a few weeks later, the head of KS3 (Also the dad of my brother's best friend aswell as living just across the road from us) called me out of class and started quizzing me about my eating habits. Of course, I lied the whole way through and when he seemed happy, he sent me back to class. I felt like I was going to faint. Very recently, he caught me talking to my friend about how the dinner ladies at my school had told me I needed to eat. He made me explain that I hadn't been very well and hadn't had breakfast and was told that I needed to eat more. Of course he told me how stupid I was being, not having breakfast and said that a number of staff and pupils had talked to him, concerned about my eating habits. I was devestated. He also said that if I didn't buck up my ideas he would call in my mum and get the school nurse involved. I know that he just cared, but I was horrified.
I began to buckle under the pressure and had suicidal thoughts. Now, lots of people with these kind of problems say that they have no one to talk to. However, for me this isn't the case. My singing teacher, role model and close friend Jill knows everything. I begged her not to tell my mum, and she has kept her word, giving me advice and pretty much helping me through this. I owe everything to her. But in about April, I broke down and started self harming, cutting myself with a cut - up 5 pence coin. I would never manage to make myself bleed, but would cover my arm in strawberry gashes. It stung but it was my way of dealing with things. I managed to stop for a couple of weeks, throwing away my coin, but recently started again, using a sharp edged ruler. But that wasn't enough. In late June, after a horrific day at school and a big fall out with my mum, I gave up and attempted suicide. I was planning on taking an overdose. Obviously it failed, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this! I only managed four paracetamol and a tablet of which belonged to my dad and I have no idea what it was. Fortuantly no damage was done, but I know that I have now hit rock bottom. Please, I know that you are going to tell me that I absolutley HAVE to tell my mum, but I can't it's too hard, she is always saying how I'm nice and slim and I'll never have to worry about my weight. I could never and will never put her through that heartbreak. I also know that one day she will find out and it will hurt her more, but I will try to prevent that from happening. I just want help, But not from her, I love her so much. We have fights (alot) But she has done everything for me, and I know that she would be devestated to find out what I am going through. I'm scared, confused and depressed, any advice would be gratefully accepted. Thankyou.
Also, if this helps:
I am 5ft 5 and weigh 96lbs
I want to lose 1st minimum!

Thankyou so much!
Love Kerry x x x

ANSWER: Dear Kerry,

I'm so so sorry that you're having such a terrible, painful time.  Unfortunately, people do notice when we're not eating and when we're anorexic!  As much as we hope that we're invisible with the condition, we're not!  I must say that I'm impressed that you have the level of self-awareness you do for someone young.  

A couple of things -- first of all, I'm so glad that Jill knows.  It's so important for a kid to have an adult that is a safe person to talk with.

The self-harm is quite scary -- not the scars you're giving yourself, but many times people can make a mistake and seriously cut themselves -- and even die.  This is not what you want to do otherwise you wouldn't be writing me!

Another thing is that you feel as if you're responsible for your mother's feelings!  In reality, a person can't actually "make" another person feel a certain way.  I used to joke with clients and tell them if I could make someone feel a certain way, I would make my wealthy clients give me all their money.

Your mom is a grown-up.  I will guarantee that she already knows that you have a problem -- it's probably subconscious but she's aware.  Sometimes parents get so busy that they assume that their kids are OK -- however, she would definitely want to know how much you're suffering.  She will be more hurt if someone else tells her as they watch you wasting away -- and that's what will happen.  She would be devastated if you died from anorexia -- that's what would really hurt her -- not your asking her for help.

Maybe Jill could be with you when you talk to your mom -- for support?  Or you can tell yourself -- you're growing up and you can tell her on your own.

One thing to keep in mind is that anorexia nervosa is the most common cause of death in adolescent girls -- it would be horrible if you died, Kerry.

Please keep in touch with me, and let me know what you decide to do!

Warmly,
Jeannie Rust, PhD
www.mirasol.net
www.edrecovery.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thankyou for getting back to me so soon! Okay, today I told my sister everything. At the end of the month she is taking me to the doctorts. I am so happy that I might finally get help! And I eat one meal a day because that is the evening meal when my mom cooks for me. I only eat when my mom makes me, and as she works, I often get out of breakfast because I get up so late and she is working at lunchtime, then she comes home to cook dinner. I eat whatever she puts in front of me, but I dont often eat it all.
It is really a huge shock to me that I am anorexic. I mean, lots of people told me I was, but I never really took it seriously, I always thought I wasn't. Wow this is going to have a BIG impact on my life!!
My sister is taking me to the doctors, as she is 19, she is acting as my guardian. We are not telling my parents about it, I made her promise before I told her.
Okay, a bit of an awkward question, I haven't yet started my period, even though I really should have, has this got anything to do with it? I thought maybe it has.
Thankyou so much
Love
Kerry xx

Answer
This is another sign of anorexia, Kerry, is not having your period!  I am so glad that you've told your sister and that she's helping you!!  That is very cool!  Just keep in touch - and let me know what the doctor says!!

Warmly,
Jeannie
www.mirasol.net
www.edrecovery.com