Expert: Jeanne Rust, PhD - 1/19/2010

Question
Hi, I'm 17 in a couple of days and I am from the United Kingdom. I have never been formally diagnosed with any eating disorder, mainly because I have always avoided going to see my general practitioner (doctor) but I have never had an healthy relationship with food or exercise. I never eat above 300 calories a day unless I am at work (I am an healthcare assistant in an hospital) and then I usually go up to 5-600 a day but then have to burn off a lot more at the gym after work. I also go through very long stages of not eating anything though never whilst I am at work I must admit. I love my job way too much to jeprodize it in any way. I am off to University next September to do my Nursing degree before I do my medical one afterwards because I want to be a surgeon. If I was to diagnose myself (which I can't do) I would say I had Anorexia Nervosa with Bulimic tendencies and over exercised a lot. I am finding it a bit hard to understand why even though I work in the health care profession that I am going through this. It's quite difficult to understand. I love medicine and have done since I was 7 or so years old and will do anything to succeed in it but I am not quite sure I am yet strong enough to go to my doctor or any of the doctors and nurses I work with and know personally and share this problem. I know that if I was forced into recovery right now I wouldn't be recovered. I'd just be doing it because everyone else thinks it's the right thing to do. To recover from this I think the individual has to be ready and right now I don't feel that. I already live alone and it as gotten a lot worse these past few months but so far I don't feel it's gone too far. I am 5ft 7in and around 110lbs maybe less because I haven't eaten in 8 days which is dangerous but I feel so fat and unhealthy (ironically not because of the ED but because I feel overweight) I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I don't want to recover or anything but I don't want to not be able to do my degree and job just because of this stupid ED. I know the dangers of this and maybe I should listen to my own words of wisdom on this but I don't know. Maybe I just want somebody to tell me I am not mad, I don't know. I have a great relationship with my doctor in reality so it could be easier than I think to try and talk to him but (seems to be my favourite word) just not ready. Can you offer any advice or tell me something so that I can believe I am not going crazy or worse. It's hard to hear someone say talk to a professional when I am a professional. Is there anything I could do to try and feel ready or that I could do to try and recover without help from others? Thank You in advance and if this sounds like crazy ramblings it's because it probably is. I'd just like another person from the outsides input on this matter. Thanks. x

Answer
Dear Kristina,

You're really between a rock and a hard place.  You won't be able to do much with your life as long as you have the ED -- and a pretty severe one at that.  You'll begin to experience medical consequences and your energy will begin to lag.

When an eating disorder is as severe as yours is, it's extremely difficult to recover alone.  There are many underlying issues which actually drive the eating behaviors.  You could start working with a nutritionist and see if that begins to help!

Let me know how you do!