Expert: Ryan Hale - 1/5/2010

Question
hi im 13 years old and for the past 2 years afew or my friends tell me that i need to eat more and are worried about my health. evan people who dont know me sometimes call me anorexic.ive never though much of it untill quite afew people have said it and now its making me quite scaired.
if im honest i do have my breakfast and tea but i usualy only eat about a quarter of it.whilst im in school i dont have any lunch as i dont feel hungry.my parents do give me money to buy lunch at school but unfortionatly i use that money to buy cigaretts(my parents don't know that though).
i am also a vegetarian, so i don't get all the right vitamins if thats any help.

when i look in a mirror i just think im slim, but in some pictures ive noticed i looked like a sceliton.
i know that anorexia is also a mental problem, but i have no problem becoming fat and have never dieted, so i just don't know what my problem is.

i would really like some help, but i don't want to go to the doctors as i feel uncoumfy telling my parents.

Answer
Megan-  people often practice behaviors because it is the best way they know how to change how they feel.  Like those who drink too much or even those with eating disorders.  While many of us do some behaviors to change how we feel (like have a couple beers or smoke a cigarette because of the change in our feelings, when you do the behavior because you want to feel numb or feel any other feeling other than your "normal" feelings, then it may be a problem.

If you smoke because you are attempting to feel some other way than how your normal life experience goes, other than to just experiment with an adult behavior, then that may be a problem (or if you can't stop).

If you are changing your eating behavior because even the gnawing feeling of hunger is better than how life makes you feel, then that might be a problem as well.  Often, those with eating disorders have a history of physical or sexual abuse, problems with relationships in their lives (both romantic, friends, or family), or come from very controlling living environments and the eating disorder is an attempt to gain some kind of control and to change the horrible feeling the person has.  

When a therapist sees many attempts to change one's feelings (drinking, gambling, eating disorder, etc) and difficulties in a person's life, those things tell them that client is "self-treating" the best way they know how.

If this sounds like you, it would help to get with someone who can help you out with your relationships issues or to work through any past history of abuse or mistreatment.  Even if you don't think these apply to you, just having a somewhat hopeless outlook on your future can be the cause of wanting to change the way you feel.

I can understand that you might not want to talk to your physician or parents about this stuff, and if any of it involves them it can get really complicated... how do you say "Oh, mom and dad I need to see a psychiatrist and by the way, it's because you are ruining my life."  However, if your situation involves relationships, things won't get better unless you deal with the relationship issues.  A psych or counselor can help get that started.  Here in the States a counselor can see a minor child up to 5 times before they have to include mom or dad.  I'm not sure of the law there but it may be worth popping your head into the school psych or counselor's office and make some time to talk over what you've just told me and see what they think.