Expert: Matthew Cook - 3/14/2010

Question
I have been anorexic for 7yrs with times of bulimia. Last year I went into recovery and I know I've never fully recovered because the thoughts NEVER go away. Also my nutritionist caused me to gain weight and last summer I couldn't stop binging. In the last few months I've gone from bulimic to anorexic.

My boyfriend wants me to eat healthy and lose weight the right way and he's made me realize how bad my mood is and how exhausted I get when I'm fasting and restricting. I tried eating right and excercising for him a few weeks ago and it was going okay until I realized how slow the weight loss would be and how I'd have to live with my fat body for atleast a month until I saw changes. I've haven't hated myself that bad in a few months. So now I'm back to hardcore restriction.I love ana and I don't want to give her up, but I want to make him happy and apart of me wants to eat normal and have muscle.

My questions to you are what should I do? Am I ready for recovery and if I am where should I start and how do I keep from relapsing? Also what doI do about the thoughts?

Answer
Hello K

As well as seeing a nutritionist, I hope you are still in regular contact with an eating disorder psychotherapist or counselor as well.

The thoughts you express about a fear of fat, and of identifying yourself and your sense of self-worth with your body shape and weight, all do indicate that anorexic thought patterns are still with you.

You say the thoughts never go away and that you are asking what to do about them, but at the same time you say how much you love ‘ana’ and don't want to give her up. Lasting recovery will only happen when your own true voice is louder and stronger than the voice of your eating disorder – when you want recovery more than you want ana. And this is what your therapist can help you work out for yourself over time.

Regarding tackling such thoughts and the eating disorder ‘voice’, you might find this thread useful, which all comes from real peoples experiences of tackling such thoughts and of moving toward recovery.:
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2010/03/the-voice-of-an-eating-disorder...

Another option is to speak to an eating disorder ‘mentor’ – someone who has sustained their recovery and can speak to you from the perspective from someone who's been there and done it. You might find this site helpful for finding such a mentor:
http://www.key-to-life.com/mcoverview/

My last thought is that you need to want to do this for yourself  - not because you want to please someone else.

As I state in my profile, I am not an expert in Anorexia, but I hope those links might be helpful for you. You sound caught between a desire to get well and a fear of leaving behind something you have so closely identified with for a long time. I hope you find the support needed to embrace the realisation that you and your eating disorder are not one and the same thing.

Best Wishes for your recovery

Good health

Matt C