Expert: Ryan Hale - 6/2/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I just wanted to know if i am starting to develop an eating disorder or not.
I am 5'6, 15 and weigh around 126lbs. I have lost 5lbs in the last few weeks. I want to be 90lbs desperately. I keep track of my calories in an online food diary and try my hardest to stick to under 800-1000 calories a day however i usually end up going around the 1150 calorie mark. I keep a journal filled with quotes, meal/diet plans, skinny models, self hate letters and more. There is also a powerpoint presentation on my laptop which i look at and update often. It is filled with diet rules, more photos, my weight loss goal and history, pro ana website addresses, diary entries and more. I hate my body and see fat a lot of the time. It's like there is two voices inside my head, one telling me not to eat, to lose 36lbs and be the skinniest person ever, and another one telling me you have to eat, your beautiful and healthy already. I also sort of want to be anorexic, i know that is cruel and horrible to say, but its true. I want to be hospitalized for anorexia because then i will have reached an enormous goal and i will be the envy of other girls. I weigh my self at least 2 or 3 times a day, and i am heart broken if my weight has gone up. I read and memorize nutrition labels, and have lists of safe foods and unsafe foods. I try not to eat much at school, but my friends will ask my why, i make up excuses, but i can't do that all the time. No matter what i eat, i feel guilty. My friends think i am sad all the time now as well. I guess i am sadder than i used to be, but i am happier at home. I am EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME and feel like i have no energy, even though i get about 9hrs sleep a night. But that might just be because i am a teenager. I don't know what to do. I can't speak to anyone, because i don't think they will take me seriously. I mean, i'm still a perfectly normal weight. Please Help!!!

ANSWER: Katie- the amount and extent of the help I can offer over the internet is limited, but it sounds like you are really developing some troubling habits and behaviors.  Your preoccupation with food and calories along with your thoughts and body image ideas are certainly big and scary steps along the path toward an eating disorder.  I'm curious as to what purpose being the skinniest girl ever serves?  I'd like to understand your need to do this, can you explain more?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thankyou so much for replying!
I feel that if i am really skinny i will be beautiful and popular and pretty.
I will be perfect

Answer
Katie- It seems like it would be hard to enjoy being pretty and popular if you were exhausted all the time and had medical problems.  Also, this 90lb number seems a bit arbitrary, is there something magical about achieving this number (like automatic popularity or beauty at 90lbs)?  I'm just asking you to question some of your assumptions here.  I think you could benefit from talking with a counselor.

Ryan