Expert: Ginger - 8/2/2010

Question
I've just found out that my 13 year old daughter's good friend is anorexic.  I don't know how to broach this with my daughter and also how my daughter might be supportive of her friend, who is in treatment with the Emily program in the Twin Cities (Minneapolis/st.Paul).  thank you.  Mary

Answer
Hi Mary,
Thanks for your questions! Being supportive of someone with an eating disorder isn't an easy thing... it's very hard to know what to say and what not to say, because things can be "triggering" to them and the disorder can easily twist comments around (I know, I've been there!). For example, telling someone with anorexia "You're so thin" gives them incentive to lose more weight, while saying "You look great" can be interpreted as "You've put on weight and you're fat." One of the best ways your daughter can be supportive is to not get into conversations with her friend about her weight and appearance, even if she initiates them. Your daughter can help her friend recover by listening to her, by not offering advice on what she should/shouldn't do or eat, by not talking about food, and by encouraging her to continue with her recovery, even though it's not easy.

When it comes to discussing the situation with your daughter, maybe you could start by asking her some questions to gauge how good her own body image is, and how she feels about herself. Explain to her that what her friend is dealing with is a serious disease, and not a diet or a lifestyle choice.

There's a really great website with a lot of fantastic information that I think could help you broach the topic with your daughter, and give you/her some ideas on how to be supportive of her friend: www.something-fishy.org  . The site also has forums where you can chat with other friends of people suffering from eating disorders.

It's really great that you're so intent on helping your daughter understand what her friend is going through, and support her. I wish more teenage girls had moms like this!

E-mail me again if you think I could be of more help!
Good luck,
Ginger