Expert: Ginger - 8/31/2010

Question
Hi, I'm a sophomore in college and my roommate has an eating
disorder.  She admitted it to me and a few friends last year
when I drove her to the hospital after a suicide attempt.  I
had my doubts about rooming with her, but I had already
committed to it by that point.  She gained some weight over
the summer, but while on a beach trip with me, I confronted
her about throwing up in the shower, and she admitted to it.  
Now, we're rooming together.  She keeps no food in the
fridge, and I've made note of the food she keeps on her
shelf, and it has never been touched except for coffee, tea,
and a super high caffiene powder that she adds to water.  I
never see her eat in the room EVER, except for sometimes an
orange or an apple.  She says she goes to the dining hall,
but her excuse for not going to dinner with me is always
that she has run out of "meals" to spend there.  I asked her
if she'd been eating, and she says she is, but I know that
she isn't.  What can I do as her roommate, other than try to
talk to her?  Should I contact someone?  She also is not
taking any medication for her suicide attempt, which I know
she was prescribed, and she is not seeing a therapist.  She
doesn't have much money.

Answer
Hi Caroline,

Thanks for your question. Your friend is lucky to have a roommate that cares about her like you do. Unfortunately, it's very hard to help someone with an eating disorder when they won't admit they actually have one.

I think it's important to explain that an eating disorder is actually a way of coping with some other stress in a person's life. While it seems to be about food and weight, the disordered eating is actually a way to control and deal with emotional pain or stress or self-hate. By trying to force someone with an eating disorder to eat, you risk making them feel worse. Eating disorders often go hand-in-hand with depression, which seems to be the case with your friend.

The best thing to do to help your friend is to offer to listen to her without judging her. You can encourage her to talk to a counsellor (she doesn't have to pay for one- she can go through her family doctor, or even a counsellor at your college), and explain to her how worried you are about her. She needs to be in counselling/therapy, but she has to be the one to decide that she's ready to overcome her eating disorder, and work through the issues in her life that are causing it.

That being said, I'm not sure how far advanced her eating disorder is. If she's blacking out or complaining of chest pains, then I think you should contact someone ASAP- either a counsellor at your college or her parents. She may need medical attention right away. You also need to contact someone ASAP (I can't stress this enough) if you feel she's in danger of trying again to kill herself or otherwise harm herself (or someone else).

There is a great website, www.something-fishy.org that has a lot of good information on eating disorders that may help you. There's even a part directed at people with family members/friends who are suffering, that gives examples of some things you shouldn't say:

http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/whatyoucando.php

I hope this helps a little bit. Feel free to e-mail me any time you think I might be able to help.

Good luck,
Ginger