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Anorexia/Eating Disorders/I want to do this....i'm scared

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Expert: Jeanne Rust, PhD - 1/30/2011


Question

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Dear Jeanne...first of thank you for having the time to respond to many of our questions on this site.  I am finding it helping as I try to re-recover from my eating distorder which is that I am a sever restricter and therefore suffering from anorexia nervosa.  It all began with good intentions, I was overweight as a teen due to mom being sick, she passed when I was 15....I drowned myself in food....I guess i know this now and I see how it was not 'mindful' eating because I was using food then as well.  Grew up in a very strict Italian household...food was the center of a great deal of things...from preparing to invites to preserving food, (sauces, pickles, olives...) my parents kept a great deal of traditions.  Therefore began working on it and lost weight ''safely'' and hundled around 130-125...without exercising.  at 25 finding myself in unhappy marriage....and seperating I went to the gym obsessively and thought of calories and 'healthy' eating obsessivly...lost weight....then my period...then so tired could not even work out any more and that is what scared me...I did once and for all give up the working out and restricted my calories to compensate.  I use to weight my self OBSESSIVELY....8 to 10 times a day...rituals,,...rituals...which you are well aware of.  
Now I got rid of many of these ''rules and regulations..'' I don't own a scale...I try to stay active by doing regular daily things...grocery shopping, walking the mall, laundry..going to work ( i am a highschool teacher ) etc.  I literally hate 'gyms' due to the amount of streneous hours I lived there.  so all this is gone but I went down to 75 pound.  I went into recovery...left for Manitoba in in-patient clinic...I was there for 3 months...gained weight , did therapy, it was hard, lived with other suffers...felt better...arrived to 98 pounds and I decided to come home.  They really wanted me to hit the 3 digits...but I thought at the time I could do it on my own.  A year and a half later I am at square one again.  went down to 80 pounds...started restricting....but I promised family and friends that I will rebuild my support team again but from home..  GO and continue thereapy, nutritionist app, doct app, support lines and family and friends.  Group therapy, read books...just like Portia De Rossi story and Model Crystal Renn have inspired me.

The crappy thing is that I have started to eat more ; bigger portions and induldging in ''forbidden''food which I would not allow myself before and I feel so fat again...I've been through this I am so scared that my body is going to rebel so bad that I am gonna gain so much weight and be out of control again and not able to eat really anything and be big...this sucks...I want to be able to eat and enjoy a healthy slim, body..not anorexic but healthy...I'm scared I will be fat again.  HOW DOES THIS FAT DISTRIBUTE ITSELF??????  I have hollow spaces bones sticking out and my sister tells me that it will be covered beautifully and redistribute to ust the way it was when I was mindful, in balance and excercising normally....I just don't know where I sit with that....I was obese and now underweight...I know thre is a balance but the unknown SCARES ME.
I don't know if this is a laxitive or not but I started to supplement...I take probiotics and take more than the 3 suggested on the bottle.  I take 5 per night...because probiotics was reccomended to me from nutritionist and holistic doctor...to fend of infections and increase absorption of nutrients and digest better.  Also due to anxiety I've been taking this product called ''natual calm''  -magnesium citrate- which fizzes in warm water and it soothes me right before bed and calms my anxieties.  I noticed nicer bowel movements with it as well...this they say is due to that fact that it is a natural calming agent and all muscles relax..includeing those of the bowels.  However sometimes it is really loose....are these diuretics.  I never engaged in abuse of laxitives or vomiting...( only once..hated it purging) but I guess my obssessive exercising was purging.

I hope the questions aren't overwhelming...I just wanna know...where will all this weight go on, how will I look and furthermore....am I abusing the probiotics to go to bathroom and
becoming addicted to the cal-mag?

Thank you so much
God bless you
Franca
p.s.  I want to attach this image of when I was at a healthy weight....115 but no periods because I believe I was working out far to much and straining my body.   Will I be able to look like that again...will I be free of all this.  Will I have days that don't surround numbers of food and refusal?

Thanks

Answer

Jeannie Rust, PhD
Dear Franca,

I'm so glad that you wrote!

You're questions are not at all overwhelming -- you've given me a pretty clear picture of where you are with the eating disorder.  

I'm hearing that you're really obsessing about your body and your weight.  Are you in therapy now?  This is something that would be critical for you.  You're a lovely woman and you deserve to be completely well.  You will end up looking even better than your photo when your body is functioning the way it's meant to.

Did you know that working out too much is a form of bulimia?  The probiotics and the cal-mag are not things you should use in any other way other than what's prescribed on the box or bottle. For you, it's all about intent -- this is a way you can check yourself out -- whenever you take something new, ask yourself if this is something the eating disorder wants you to take or does your healthy part approve of it!  Those of us who are recovered must always check out the additive qualities of any kind of medications.  I used to say:  Give me more!  Not too healthy!

You can be thin, you can be even more beautiful, you can have your periods and you don't have to use an eating disorder to do this.

Warmly,
Jeanne Rust, PhD
CEO/Founder
Mirasol
www.mirasol.net
www.edrecovery.com
1-888-520-1700
    Questioner's Rating
    Rating(1-10)Knowledgeability = 9Clarity of Response = 9Politeness = 10
    CommentAs I opened my computer this morning...I found Jeanne's response. Thank you. I needed this as it has soothed my anxieties which plague me even in the morning. Your response is genuine, clear and concise and gives us all hope ....thank you . God Bless Franca


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Jeanne Rust, PhD

Expertise

I have been treating eating disorders for over 25 years and I have a doctorate in clinical psychology. I am an expert in anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorders and in co-occurring disorders as well -- depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc. I was the official eating disorder therapist for the University of Arizona athletic department and love working with girls and women of all ages! 12 years ago I started my own treatment centers in Arizona where we treat adolescents and adults. I love working with people and have been helping people online since 1994. My hearts go out to the people out there who are unable to find help, who aren't sure whether they need help, and who don't have much of an understanding of the terrible consequences, emotionally and physically, that go hand in hand with the eating disorder. I view eating disorders as coping mechanisms that people use when they are under stress. I believe that eating disorders most times have many similarities whether it is anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating. The good news is that people can heal from an eating disorder and learn to create the lives they would like to live.

Experience

I have 25 years of experience in treating eating disorders of all kinds. I also do consultations for people who are starting treatment centers.

Education/Credentials
Northwestern University -- BA Masters in Counseling Doctorate in Clinical Psychology -- Saybrook institute

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