Expert: Jeanne Rust, PhD - 11/11/2011

Question
QUESTION: My daughter is 21 years old, has been an equestrian since age 5 and was in her universities varsity team however she could not perform the level of expectation she was asked from coaches and other team members and he coach has disqualified her from the team now she is in her last year of college set to graduate in May she has been having eating disorders, scale has become her life she does not consume food as she should exercises extensive daily and smokes cigarettes it appears she is taking purposely abusing her body, she is a twin and her brother and my self as her dad have been trying our best to help her and convince her that she needs to come out of the stuck position she is in and move forward she has been in therapy but results do not show her behavior continues her mom was married to a controlling type of man not sure if that has any effect what can we do to get the right help for my daughter we are hoping there is a solution, lookforward to your suggestions.

ANSWER: Dear Anthony,

Actually I'd like to speak with you on the phone.  Your daughter is certainly ill.  Any idea what her height and weight is?  While she is still in school, and you're supporting her, you're still running the show.  If she is in a stuck position, now would be the time for her to attend an intensive out-patient program.  If that is not available, then residential treatment such as Mirasol (www.mirasol.net) would be the next step.

It's so difficult to lead the horse to water and not have them drink.  This is why I'd like to speak with you to assess the level of your daughter's condition.  Now is the time for her to become well before she moves into her adult life.

If I can help, just let me know!

Warmly,
Jeanne Rust, PhD
CEO/Founder
Mirasol
www.mirasol.net
www.edrecovery.com
520-425-1522

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Jeanne: Thank you so much for your your response. The issue is my daughter is already seeing one of the Universities therapist as well as going to a group therapy her counselor formed. She is very much aware of her condition and uses her eating disorder as a coping mechanism. She was in the equestrian team and was disqualified due to not riding well and was some what heavier during the time she was riding as well as a roommate who had a eating disorder I am not sure what the deep seated issues are she will will not share them with me or other family members. She will be graduating in May 2012 with Bachelors in Psychology, she is doing well in school.  I think you have given a very good example of horse being taken to the water but not drinking it and that is where she is stuck. I have tried to get her into more intensive care as well as maybe another therapist but she declines. My daughter does eat salads with beans and feta cheese and sometimes tilapia but she does not look healthy and she looks unhealthy low weight. I would be forever indebted if there is anyway you can please guide me as to what I must do to get her out of the "stuck" position since she gets defensive and will not listen to my suggestions or look at other options I am sure you know steps I need to take and I would ask for your help since it is very difficult to see such a beautiful talented young lady to damage her well being and not be able to help I am sure you understand. Please let me know. Warmest regards, Anthony

Answer
Dear Anthony,

It's obvious to me that she does not want to be well -- she is not alone in feeling like this.  When a person has had an eating disorder for a long time, it becomes such a part of her identity.  Many times the person is terrified of not being able to use the eating disorder as a way of coping and as a way of controlling her weight -- staying thin.

Since she's still in school, and has refused all of your suggestions, it might be time to be a "parent."  This is one of the hardest things to do -- to have to "tell" your child what she is going to do.  You still control the $$, I assume.  I have had parents who have had to tell their daughters that they will have no more spending money, no car, etc., if they are unwilling to get treatment.  This sounds quite harsh, but it's necessary to remember that she has a condition that can eventually kill her -- literally rob her of her life force....  Sometimes the shame of an eating disorder and what might be the underlying issues can play a big role.

Again, I'm suggesting that we talk and I can help more when I have a better idea of the situation.  There is no obligation!  

Another thing you might do is to find a therapist in your community who specializes in eating disorders.  Go talk to that person yourself, explain the situation, and discuss the possibility of an intervention!

I'm happy to help you, Anthony!

Warmly,
Jeannie