Expert: Meg - 11/5/2011

Question
I submitted a question to you a couple of weeks ago but the next day you went on vacation. I don't know if you were going to answer that question, but I decided to submit a different one instead as things have changed a bit since the last one.
I'm 13, I weigh 95lb (although this tends to fluctuate), I'm about 5"3. I'm sick of people complaining about my weight, and nagging me about my eating habits, for a while I thought they were at least a bit normal, but my friends and family tell me otherwise. My mum's always trying to get me to gain weight, taking away thing such as my ipod to 'motivate' me, but usually I just wait about 4 days, and then load up on water. She instantly notices when I drop back to my old weight, sometimes lower, but I can't stand the thought of gaining any weight, I'm terrified of gaining weight, and if I even gain so much as a pound, I hate myself, I try harder, but even if I lose weight, I still don't feel good.  In about mid June I weighed just a bit under 107lb, since then I've gradually lost it. My lowest weight since then has been roughly 95lb.
For over a year now (since roundabout September 2010) I've been skipping lunch, and before that I never used to eat breakfast anyway. I've tried to kick the habit, but that one time I tried to, I couldn't handle it.
Part of the reason is that I hate eating in front of people, even if my mum's in the room, I just can't eat, even if she's paying to attention to me. I also have a phobia of eating anything that I haven't either made my self or observed whoever made it, if I go out with friends and they stop for something to eat, I can't even stand to go into the cafe, restaurant, etc. Take away and restaurant foods aren't on my 'safe list', neither are things such cheese, yogurt, fried foods, heavy food.
If I'm at home on a weekend and my mum makes me have breakfast, even if it's just a bit of cereal, I always feel sick, I'm never actually sick, but there's always that feeling.
I tend to eat at night when I'm alone and in secret, mostly because I'm ashamed and I always feel guilty, even if I so much a eat, for example, a single grape.
I recently started purging, even after eating small amounts, I feel like I can't help it, like I've gotten in to a routine. I'd tried to purge a few times before, but just couldn't seem to do it, but I eventually managed it. Afterwards I usually feel horrible, not because I've purged but because I ate in the first place. On bad days, after eating I cut, once for 'punishment' and then another time to remind myself no to do it again, so if I feel like eating, the pain's there to remind me to stop.
I exercise every day, the very least I've done in a day since I started was 50 sit ups, I wasn't feeling well that time. But some days I push myself more, like if I ate something that day, or the night before, and I still feel guilty about or if I feel like I didn't exercise enough one day.
For the last 2 or so weeks, I've been feeling really sick, before and after eating, really dizzy and tired. I've been off school for a while now, sometimes I can barely stand up, or walk from one room to another.
I get a lot of comments about having and ED, but I feel like that puts more pressure on me, it makes me feel fatter, like I need to lose weight because whoever it is clearly see's me as thinner than I am, so I need to be what they think I look like. It annoys me so much when people say stuff like that because I know I don't. That's kind of why I've written to you, to see if any of this even makes any sense, and to find out if it's normal for a teenager.
Thank you for even taking the time to read this, I do realize it's quite long.

Answer
Hi Sara,

First off, my most sincere apologies for being slow and not being able to answer your previous question.  I've been having computer problems and thus am not as prompt as I'd like to be.  I think I've gotten the problem solved and will try to be more prompt from now on.

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this.  Your note really touched me as I can remember being in a similar place myself and how confusing/scary/exciting/terrifying it was all at once.

From reading what is going on, I feel worried for you as it seems like you are really focused on losing weight no matter what the cost and living up to the "sick" persona that the people around you have put on you.  If you can, try to step outside yourself and pretend that someone you care about (a younger sister, a friend, etc) told you what you've just expressed to me.   I'm sure that you would probably be pretty concerned if she said that she felt fat, despite being underweight, was restricting her food heavily, exercising, having to eat alone because she felt "bad" and guilty for doing it, purging food, cutting for punishment of eating-and being human- and moreover, feeling sick and dizzy and tired.  I don't mean to sound judgmental at all because I have been through this too.  It just really sounds to me like you're very much in the grip of the eating disorder right now.  And I am sorry as I know its not the greatest place to be.

It may "feel" normal to you right now (this is often the case, as its a game our brain can play to continue the disorder) and its even normal to feel as if you're not sick enough/worthy of getting any kind of help.  However, you are absolutely worthy and you absolutely deserve to feel better, both physically and also about yourself.  You sound like a very bright person with a whole lot of potential.  Sadly, I can tell you that the longer you waste being sick and stuck with this, the more of your life slips away.  

It is healthy to eat.  Its healthy to take care of one's body.  And its healthy to be human, with a full range of emotions and needs.  Sadly, this understanding often gets lost when you're sick and I want to make sure to remind you that you-as much as any other person-is worthy of being treated well and feeling good.

I wish that your email didn't make sense, but it really sounds like you are sick and hopefully can look into some ways of starting to take even a few steps back towards health.

Here are some helpful links (hopefully) and I am more than happy to answer anything else if there is anything I can help with.  

http://www.something-fishy.org/isf/signssymptoms.php

(below is a self questionnaire if you're still feeling uncertain as to if you have a problem)
http://www.something-fishy.org/isf/questionnaire.php  

http://www.caringonline.com/eatdis/intro.htm

Please take care of yourself!  You absolutely deserve it.

Best,
Meg