Expert: Meg - 11/12/2011

Question
I've been trying to recover from AN for the past year (after being in it for 15 years) and am having difficulties with trusting that my body will stop regaining weight.  I have gained ~25# over the past year by increasing my intake just by a couple hundred calories.  I know I'm still not eating enough because I am eating <1000 but i am afraid to eat more due to the weight I have already gained.  What was your experience?  I also struggle with overexercising and have recently decreased the amount.

Thank you.

Answer
Hi Elizabeth,

Thanks for your question and I'm so glad that you're taking such healthy steps towards recovery.  That is really wonderful and you should be very proud as its not easy and really requires taking a leap of faith.  

It's impossible for me to tell you (as I'm sure you know) when your body will begin reacting normally.  That always depends on your body and its makeup, how much damage has been done and how quickly it can bounce back.  However, it is pretty normal to have the fear of continual gaining and that terrible possibility of your weight being out of control.  The good news is that most people don't gain much more than their body needs and (and I still am amazed by this), in general, eating more won't cause you to gain.  Again, if you meed to gain weight (which is always the case when you're in that difficult early recovery), you will but it has been my experience that it will even out and you most likely will not end up with a body that you will feel uncomfortable in-once you've recovered.

One important thing that can help speed this process is for you to begin taking as many steps towards your body being healthy again.  This includes trying to keep on schedule and eat regular and healthy meals (so your body will come out of starvation mode), resting when you need to (including not over-exercising) and learning to take good care of yourself by getting sleep.  So often, when we are in the midst of an eating disorder, we begin to disconnect from our bodies and are working to stop them rather than to keep them working well.  So, as counter-intuitive as it will feel to the part of you that is still thinking under AN terms, it really is important to figure out what a healthy diet for you will be and then take the steps to make giving your body the fuel and nurturing it needs a habit.  This will get your metabolism working and help your weight to readjust.

To be honest, under 1000 calories is still considered by most to be an amount that will keep you in starvation mode.  Having said that, I know that coming from a long stint with anorexia, it probably FEELS like you are eating a lot.  And, its great that you are taking these little steps, so keep up the great work.  

Now, as to my personal experience...I can honestly say that eating a normal (which, to the me of years ago was an unthinkable thing) has actually made me less heavy then when I was in early recovery.  Like you, when I realized that my body had been through enough and that I didn't want to live that life anymore, I was also terrified about gaining and eating too much.  It took me a long time to get to a "normal" level and I think that I really have only gotten to where I am not thinking about food in any type of eating disordered way in the last few years or so.  So it really is a process.  When I was still semi-restricting and coming out of anorexia, I gained some weight (in hindsight, much needed but certainly it didn't feel like it at the time).  I did feel unhappy with my body for awhile, but tried to remind myself that it is a process and, moreover, I wanted something more than anorexia had been giving me.  However, what has been constantly amazing to me is that now, I eat so many foods that I was terrified of for years, go to restaurants, enjoy treats-and really, I am not getting "fat" from it and am actually pretty content with my body.  It has been a long and difficult road, but I can truly say that I would not go back to my eating disorder for anything.  And, having been there, I know that it is easy for people to say this stuff just so that you will want to recover, however I don't believe in doing that and I am now proof that it does eventually get a lot better.

Sorry if I am rambling and I hope that I've answered your question.  Please keep taking little baby steps away from the anorexia and know that however wrong it feels, the payoff is so worth it.  And, feel free to write again if anything in the above is confusing or if there is anything else I can help with.

Take good care, okay?
Meg