Expert: Jeanne Rust, PhD - 2/22/2011

Question
hey! lia again. so guess what happened. i'm recovered. i've been at 99/100 lbs for about 2 days now. this is what happened: my mom weighed me after i purged, so i was lighter than usual. i was at 90 lbs. she totally freaked out and said what happens when i go to school and pass out and some boy rapes me? she couldnt take the chance. so then she told me to really shape up or else i was going to die & this whole speech and i said yeah yeah but i knew the cycle was going to continue: she yells, i eat, i 'recover', then i lose back down again. its happened so many times its like 2nd nature. this time i didnt automatically eat after her speech & she totally got mad AGAIN. then, she made me write a contract saying that i have to eat every hour and a half until i gain the wieght, but i refused to & just wrote i'll try to eat more and eat when i feel like it. this pissed her off so much. then she put me dinner (grilled chicken with cheese melted on top and a side of rice with spinach also w. cheese on top) well ever since the mac & cheese bags, she's told me to leave what i dont want on the plate and not to put it into bags. so all i wanted was the chicken so i ate it & gave her back the rice. she got extremely mad, saying i wont eat rice or bread or pasta & i was telling her how i'll eat it later (in a hour and a half like the contract) but she wouldnt take it. so then it just happened that my dad woke up & my mom told him everything: the plastic baggies of food & how i threw up (many many months before anorexia i purged into a shopping bags and put it into a large garbage bag in my room but it was quite obvious & she found out but i told her i really did feel sick when i purged & that i really didnt feel well when i did it; she understood & never told my dad) she told my dad all taht & i cried so much and ate to please her & told her that i hated her & would never forgive her for telling him cus i cant disappoint my dad cus im like his fave kid (his first girl/daddy's lil girl) so then i kept this eating thing up for 2 days & then yesterday, the last day of my break, my mom took me & my lil sis to the mall. i realized taht even when eating & almost @ 100 lbs, i can still fit into skinny jeans like my old size (00,0,1) so then i bought all these clothes & jeans but i didnt eat much that day cus i had a huge breakfast. also, after i started to really recover and eat, i didnt purge once. there were many easy oppertunities to, but i didnt. today though, i failed. i didnt eat breakfast, gave my lunch to someone, ate so many cookies & brownies but constantly purged it all. & when i got home i ate part of my dinner & i just finished purging it. today i had planned to just eat dinner w/o purging it cus i dont wanna gain more weight, just maintain this current weight. but no. i had to eat those stupid brownies & cookies & now my day's fucked. when i get home, i'll eat the rest of my dinner, sure. but its deff. getting purged as well. also, when my mom weighed me @ 90 lbs, she asked me if i purged at the library & tahts why i go everyday to the library rushing. i denied it cus she knows i "hate" public dirty places. she also told me that day that she has 0% trust for me (something i constantly told her that i didnt want) & now that my dad has 0% trust for the both of us cus we both never told her about my bag issues. me and my dad never brought it up though, & i planned on hating my mom for the rest of my life cus of what she did but i still end up talking to her. this morning i weighed in @ 99.5 lbs but im actually like 97-ish cus of the clothes i was wearing. i dont wanna gain anymore, but my dad wants me to continue to cus today he told me that my mom mentioned my weight gain & that he'll buy me more ensure's so i can keep gaining weight. thing is, im done GAINING weight. even my mom knows this. she just tells me now that i better MAINTAIN this weight. whatever, i'm so conflicted. i dont know how to maintain my weight dammit. as long as i fit into my clothes i guess? i mean i know there is so much more to life than weight & skinnyness, but i dont know; life was actually more simpler when i starve: just dont eat. now with maintaining, it seems like everything im gonna eat it is gonna make me gain weight, so i try to eat as little as possible. ARGH. i hate my life.

Answer
Hi, Lia --

Guess what -- no more secrets!  It's easier if you just talk to them.  The easy way to maintain your weight is to make out a little meal plan for yourself.  What you can eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and/or snack -- eat those things then you'll stay safe.  It's hard to hate parents forever when you know how much they love you.

It might really help if you can quietly tell your mum that it really hurts you when she yells.  Tell her you're trying your best.  Have her read some articles that print off of the internet so many she can understand more?

Let me know how you do with the meal plan -- no more impulsive eating -- just planned eating.

Warmly,
Jeannie