Expert: Jeanne Rust, PhD - 2/19/2011

Question
QUESTION: I'm trying to get a hold on things by first reducing my purging and eating normally. I know for recovery you're supposed to eat more, but i havnt had a day with 3 normal, non-purged meals in forever. I fake eating breakfast, throw out my school lunch, and purge whatever i eat afterschool...my parents think i have a super fast metabolism & that's why i don't gain weight but its actually me not eating/purging. I always try to convince them its not my metabolism & hint to them that i'm not eating much. So i wanted to see if i could gain eating normally, as my metabolism is pretty screwed up.. But i can't! i promised myself i would eat everything i was given yesterday and more, as my parents want me to lose weight & know i've been losing weight (i'm weighed every morning) but i didn't eat. I ate a big breakfast (whole box of cookie crisp with a whole jar of peanut butter) & had to purge. I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day, even though i told them i ate multiple times. my dinner was a huge plate of pasta with onions and okra & fishstick with melted cheese on it. My mom knows i hate those fishsticks so i didn't have to eat them...but the pasta. I couldn't. I knew i should've but i didn't. I hid it in a plastic baggie & waited til my mom left the kitchen to put it all back in the pot. At least i ate the okra and onions! & didn't purge them. But i weigh deff. around 86 lbs right now, but by hiding books under my sweatshirt & drinking alottttt of water before being weighed, i'm 92/93 lbs. I can't keep this up forever. help.

ANSWER: Dear Lia,

Here's something to practice -- sit down in your room or somewhere you can be alone and practice telling your mom what's up.  Things are not going to get better like with a magic wand.

If you're afraid to tell your mom, do have another adult in your life that you like and respect a lot that you can talk to?  I'm so worried about you -- the kinds of food you're eating and the purging.  I know that you want to try.

Have you been to any of the eating disorder support groups online -- go to www.mirasol.net -- they've got some good groups there.  

I would like to see you eating more fruits and vegies -- and not chocolate and pasta (peanut butter is good for you).  Is there anyone at school you can talk to?  You're so isolated that I want you to find someone - you've got me, but I can't call you mom!

Let me know what I can do!

Warmly,
Jeannie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: When I do let myself eat, its ONLY fruits and veggies (things like apples & such) because I don't feel guilty about it. Thing is, my mom won't count them as a meal because they wont make me gain weight. So eating an apple wont suffice with her. Thats where my issues come in: its either eat bad food to gain weight, or eat HUGE AMOUNTS of normal food to gain weight. Either way, this causes me to binge and purge. See the problem? THERE IS NO WAY I'M TELLING MY MOTHER. PLS UNDERSTAND THIS. I can't be more of a disappointment to her. I used to be so strong and am known as the strong/athletic/energetic one. I used to watch football games and play football with boys all the time. Im also extremely smart, and my mom always tells me how Im smarter than this and that she doesnt know why im not recovered yet. I DONT KNOW WHY EITHER. im so scared to go to a hospital. I CANT AND WONT. i wont admit this to anyone; im too proud/strong/hard-headed/whatever.
Yesterday i had a billion bowls of cereal for breakfast, causing me to go binge and purge all of it. but i dont think i got everything out, so i said just in case that i wont eat for the rest of the day...but when i got home, my mom made creamy mac & cheese (she knows i love homemade mac & cheese and knows it was something i had requested for during my first time in home-recovery# and she made cheese & salami toasted sandwhichs, her own version of a Subways sub #something else i ate ALOT during my first recovery#. I was feeling extrememly depressed and told myself to just eat the meal and not purge it or throw it out. it would have been extremely easy to throw it out too, but i tried not to and ate it all. I wasnt feeling SO bad and my mom was engaging in conversation with me, distracting me from thinking about the guilt...things were good until my mom asked me if i wanted anymore. i went into the kitchen and ate the whole rest of the pot of mac & cheese. totally freaking out, i made an excuse to go take a shower and tried purged most of it down the drain. i stopped once i realized i had clogged the shower drain. but when i got out, i went into my room and purged everything that was left into tupperware container and poured it down the drain when my mom left the kitchen. I was so depressed and sad, and so mad at myself for eating after i told myself not to. And when i purged both times, i wasnt sure if everything got out. So i told myself that today, i wouldnt eat one thing. and i havnt. I faked my breakfast, gave away my lunch, and faked eating after school. I'm prob. at 87/86/85 lbs right now. Im nearing the weight i first was when i first did recovery #my lowest weight was at 79#. i'm gonna throw out my dinner #even though my moms gonna put me a big plate since i didnt eat enough cereal after school even though i didnt eat any..) & im going to sleep early so she cant push food on me later on after dinner. WHAT AM I DOING. i hid water bottles under my sweatshirt today so it would seem like im still 93 lbs but my mom has been mentioning that shes angry im still @ 93 lbs. i dont know what to do. i dont want her to figure out ive been lying cause then she'll never trust me again. & now that im in the 80's she'll totally freak out and send me to the hospital and then for the rest of my life i'll be thought to relapse all the time. WHYWHYWHY WHATS WRONG WITH ME. i hate my eating disorder, but i wont let it go.

ANSWER: Dear dear Lia,

Tell me what you find so difficult about letting your eating disorder go?  How is it helping you to have a fun, great life?

It seems to me that it's just making your miserable -- you're lying to your mom which makes you feel so guilty -- what would it feel like if she just let you starve?  And didn't care?

I feel so sad for you.  I know you don't want to live like this.  I still think you're going to need to tell your mom -- you don't have to go to a hospital.  You can go to a residential center.  tell me again where you live?

Warmly,
Jeannie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hey again. so after i sent you that last msg, i promised myself that during my 4 day weekend break from school that i was not going to purge once and once-and-for-all recover. i was actually going to also; i was so excited and optimisitic! so to mark the 'end' of my ed, i decided to try to eat as little as possible the days before break started. why i did this, i have NO CLUE. so 2 days before break, my mom made me a big plate of mac & cheese again, seeing as how i "ate" so much of it the last time she made it (remember i purged it) but she's been getting suspicious of how she can put me these large plates of food and i "eat" it so quickly; truth is i stuff it into little bags and hide it away in my bookbag. so thats what i did and then i went to sleep so i didnt have to eat anymore...but i was awaken by her throwing the bags of mac & cheese at me, yelling and shouting. turns out, she came into my room looking for something & smelt food near my bookbag, and when she opened it up she saw the food. i told her it was the first time i ever did it & that i was gonna eat it for breakfast tmrw and didnt feel like eating it for dinner that night. then me & her started talking about my ed and blahblahblah & i told her my plans for the 4 day weekend and i ate the pasta right in front of her...secrectly though, i was so angry. I HADNT EATEN ONCE THAT DAY, & IF I NEVER FELL ASLEEP SHE WOULDNT HAVE EVER FOUND OUT THAT I THROW AWAY MY FOOD & NOW SHES ALL SUSPICIOUS & ARGHHHHH. taht night, after i ate everything, i purged some of it (it was like 1 a.m. & i had to be 'asleep') so i actually digested some of that meal. the 4 day weekend started yesterday & yesterday morning she yelled @ me (i weighed 91 lbs but on the 2nd time i weighed 93) and she said she truly believed i was 91 cus shes been seeing me getting smaller and smaller...she said i ruined her 4 day weekend and was gonna take me to the mall but basically just yelled the shit outta me...so for breakfast i ate alot (whole bag of apples w. whole jar of peanut butter) & she was still mad becus she said that wasnt gonna make me gain weight & she didnt give me money to go buy junk food & said she was gonna make the whole family starve because i like to. but fortuntely i got 20 bucks out of my dad & then my mom kicked me out of the house, calling me bitch & mean words, & i went to the library & purged. if she would have never yelled @ me, i wouldnt have purged. i was seriously going to keep it down. but no, she did, so i did. then i left the library w. my lil sister & for some reason i just took her to this bakery and we bought a cookie and split it. something about her just makes me feel bad cus her older sisters anorexic & to make me feel bad my mom likes to call her fat because me and my sister are 4 yrs apart yet we weight about the same but its cus shes tall for her age. i hate when my mom does that so when i was with my sister, i just felt better for some reason (the weather was extremely nice too) & went to the store & was planning to buy junk food but had none by the time i bought the neccessities (dad said to get cereal and milk) so i had no money for junk. when i got home & my mom saw i bought no junk, she automatically assumed it was cus i didnt want it & started yelling but then i told her about the cookie & she chilled out a bit...but then i didnt eat lunch & by the time she noticed all the cereal was gone (hungry brothers) & got mad again, so i asked her if i could go buy junk for myself but no one wanted to go with me & there was no money left so i said forget it. then she got mad cus she said that was exactly what i wanted, so then i said i was going outside & sat on the porch while she made dinner & my sister was outside. when i came back inside, i didnt eat but picked quickly at the onion bread she made...then went inside my room & waited til she went on the treadmill to binge on all the onion bread & purge it. then i went to watch and movie and went to sleep...this morning, she was on the phone so i quickly stuffed my sweatshirt with books & water bottles & got on the scale while she was on the phone so wouldnt be able to verbally bitch at me...then when i went to go eat breakfast, she was shoving all this food at me that my dad bought this morning (cheese, turkey, cereal, peanut butter) & to make her happy i ate sooo much. then she was telling my aunt on the phone who knows about my ed that i'm so beautiful and that i was doing good and eating alot & my mom was so proud of me for having a big breakfast & that i was gonna keep eating alot throughout the day because i wanna get better...that just made me so depressed so i binged & left to go purge. i just finished purging and dont wanna go home cus then i'll have to eat again & i dont wanna cus i'll go purge again. fuck my life. i'm a screw up.

Answer
Dear Lia,

Don't ever say that you're a screw up -- You are not!  I can see the dynamic between yourself and your mother --YOU NEED THERAPY,  my friend.  You need to find someone now -- whether you talk to your aunt or find a professional......  You can't blame your mother for your purging -- you're purging in response to her behavior -- she won't change but you can.

Jeannie