Expert: Nafeesah - 6/12/2011

Question
Okay, well I'm 24, and my fiance, Spencer is 26, and lately, I've gotten really worried about him. He's been working out a lot, because he's never been happy with his body. All of his friends are very skinny, while Spencer's a bit stockier. He's not overweight by any means. He works out and eats healthy and all; he's just got a more solid build. He also has really defined hips for a guy, which he for some reason associates with being out of shape, which isn't him at all. He's actually quite skinny, just with a more solid build. Well, since he started working out more than usual, he seems to have actually gotten more self conscious. His self-esteem seems worse than before.

Well, a couple of nights ago, I was out shopping with his twin sister, Anna (we're really good friends), and she told me that Spencer has been telling her on the phone that he feels like he doesn't deserve me, because when he stands next to me, he feels like I'm too good for him. This really made me sad, because I love Spencer so much, and I never want him to feel like he's not good enough for me. So I think part of the reason he's been working out so much is because of this, which makes me feel really bad. However, I'm really scared, as well. Anna told me the other night that when her and Spencer were about 19, he developed somewhat of an eating disorder, because he was unhappy with how he looked. She told me that he really scared all of them throughout this phase, and actually ended up in the emergency room at one point. He basically starved himself, and now I'm really scared.

Spencer never told me this, and Anna told me in confidence, but now I'm really worried, because he's showing the same behavior that Anna described during his struggle with his eating disorder. He's completely lost his appetite; I make him his favorite foods, and he always just says "Thanks baby, but I'm not really hungry right now." I don't know what to do, short of force feeding him. I'm really scared for him. He's hardly eaten anything, and I'm really scared. I can't live without Spencer; he's the most wonderful, perfect man I've ever seen. I'm more in love with him than I ever thought was humanly possible, and nothing could ever make me love him any less. I try so hard to show him that I think he's absolutely perfect the way he is, but I don't know what to do, and I feel like it's all my fault, because Anna told me that he feels like he doesn't deserve me. What should I do?! I want to try and talk to him SOON, but what should I say? He never likes talking about really personal emotions; he bottles a lot up, and I'm afraid he'll try to just brush it off like it's nothing. Advice? How should I have this conversation with him?!?

Answer
You may have to have an intervention with his sister to address this since eating disorders need to be treated with the appropriate kind of counseling. This is serious he needs to get some help and to get to the root of why he's starving himself there's something going on that is causing this.