Expert: Dawn McNamara - 1/14/2012

Question
i hope you can help, im in a very awkward situation... i have suffered eating disorders for 23 years after sexual abuse, rape and low self esteem. i fight it everyday and these days i mostly win, but its hard... i live at home with my mother and my daughter who is nearly 18... my daughter, i hate to say, is not a very nice person {i would never say this to anyone else} she abuses my 70 year old  mother and me verbally every day and has done for years..anyway lately she is telling me she isnt eating and telling me she is excersising constantly even though i have not seen her doing this, she  also tells me she is going to starve herself and she asks me what i would do if she made herself sick... all thesae things are very hard for me to deal with, as like i said before i struggle everyday with my own food issues...i can see she has lost weight but shes not too thin,and i see her eating things that i wouldnt of dreamt of eating but im worried sick that she is going down that horrible road ive been down.... unfortunatly for me i also think she is playing mind games with me because she tells me constantly what shes going to do or what shes done, i would  always hide my eating problems and i was in denial....its so hard for me to deal with, as it makes my problem harder to fight...hope you understand what im saying... she has always said things to me to try and hurt me but now she seems to have found the one thing that gets to me the most and shes playing games with it..i feel like walking away and going to live with my partner once she is 18, as i feel she is going to make me relapse and im doing so very well...its a very complicated situation and i dont know how to handle it... hope you can give me some advice, thank you.... can i just add that i always kept my eating problem hidden and i have never been a proper anorexic, i have always kept my weight above 104 pounds and im 5ft5....just some advice would be appreciated thank you sarah

Answer
I'm so sorry about what your going through.
You've got a very tough situation on your hands. My history is strikingly similar to  yours. I understand your concerns about relapse under the current situation. And it is ok to say you don't like the person she she is "demonstrating herself to be", her anger drives a wedge between you two at the moment and and others as well. The abuse concerns me greatly. Is there any indication that she may be going through something similar to what you went through (has someone crossed a line with her sexually or abusively you may not know about)?
She may be seeing your anorexia as a coping mechanism that she can use. There is also the possibility that her rage may be based in fear for you. Ive seen kids so angry at their parents smoking that they pick up a pack and start puffing away " if you want to kill yourself, so can I"
so to speak. I honestly believe she needs to see a counselor, and if you can do it together i think that would help a lot. Some of this could very well be mind games, but there is an undercurrent of rage that needs to be dealt with for the sake of all of you. If you walk away and simply live with your partner, the abuse of your mother would continue or even escalate.
It needs to be stopped at all coasts. not to mention the coping skills she has now (not good) will be what she has to build on. Maybe its time to let her in and be candid and let her ask anything she needs to ask...its a possibility. If she is truly starting down an anorexic road, she needs help now. Let me know how things go, I'm always around. And keep in mind tthat i am a layman, there are also experts here with degrees you can double check with too. I think a few opinions may be an asset.
I wish you all my best, I hope to hear back
sometime, Be well
Dawn