Expert: Meg - 7/8/2005

Question
Hello again Meg.  I just wanted to ask you one more question if you don't mind.  I think I need to lose weight before I go to see the ed expert coz I'm worried they will take one look at me amd think i am a time waster.  I would feel better for myself.  I know this is kinda wrong and i don't understand why i keep thinking this way for.  It sounds as if i want attention but I don't.  Am i crazy?

Answer
Hi Peggy-

No worries at all with the second question :)  As I said before, feel free to ask as many as you have.  I don't mind-and can understand where you're coming from.

I think everyone I've ever known who's had an ed (myself included) and has gone for help has gone through exactly what you are talking about.  Its actually really common to feel "not thin/sick enough" when you're actually taking a step to do something about your ed.  One person who used to help me used to say "your ed voice is threatened and its telling you this".  I somewhat agree and also found that the cornerstone of many people's eating disorders is that part that feels inadequate.  So, as I'm sure you've experienced throughout your struggles, no matter how thin you get, how sick and tired you get, etc...there is always a part (perhaps the ed part) saying "yeah, well...you have done *whatever* but you could do more...be thinner, eat less, get sicker/etc". I really think this is a part of the whole eating disorder and why it is so difficult to get help and to get out of them.  

So, while I totally sympathize with wanting to be emaciated before getting help, I don't advise you to further harm yourself so that you feel valid in seeking help.  For one thing, you will only have that much more work to do in getting better (which kind of just makes more work for you both now and later) and secondly, I feel like another part of recovering is learning to speak up for yourself and not let your body/appearance do this for you.  Obviously, you are really struggling with your ed...and I can say that without even seeing you.  You have plenty to talk about already...and if you can speak up and let the ed specialist know your struggles rather than gettting sicker so that you're in even worse shape, it really will be a very positive step towards beating this.  And, any ed specialist will know that no matter what your weight, a person can suffer and have a very dangerous ed.  

You're not crazy and it doesn't sound to me like you are trying to get attention...you're just dealing with a very difficult problem that often causes this type of contradictory feeling.  But, as I said...I and many I know went through this exact same thing before getting help and although I know its scary to walk in there and say " I need help" (and moreso to realize that you deserve it...YOU DO deserve it and its so great that you're taking this step.

Good luck and (seriously) write anytime.

Best,
Meg