Expert: Meg - 10/12/2006

Question
I had a somewhat serious case of anorexia years ago, when I ws in my early 20's, shortly after the birth of my first child.  I had another boy, whois now 4 yrs old, and I managed to lose all of my weight relatively healthily..mt problem now is that I have just had another baby 6 months ago, and I cannot get rid of the weight and I am miserable. I have 3 beautiful boys and a wonderful husband, but i am so focused on how fat i am, i can't stand it.  I am really freaking out now, because I don't seem to have the "willpower" to make my self not eat...I eat every day and feel weak because I can't make myself stop, or even purge. I know these things are not healthy but I cannot be happy until i am thin again...i will handle the other issues after i lose the weight...i have to get it off first

Answer
Hi Kelly,

Thanks for your note and I'm truly sorry that you are going through this.  It can be really difficult to adjusting to a healthy (by this, I DO NOT mean fat-as its possible to be healthy and still like your body, however it is not realistic to have the same body that you did while you were anorexic and still be healthy).  That said, you mention that you now have 3 beautiful boys and a husband whom you love.  You really need to be healthy so that you are well enough to be a good mother to your boys and be around while they grow up.  It is really important that you head off this possible relapse RIGHT NOW, before your eating disoder takes over your life as you simply have too many important things at stake at this point.

I honestly understand how strong the nagging feeling of being "too fat" and unhappy in your body can be.  As I have recovered, this has been the longest "symptom" of my eating disorder that has held on and still surfaces from time to time.  Its tough-and I feel especially when a person has been very thin (sick) before and has that to compare her present body to.  Maybe, it might help you to think back about when you were very thin and how your body might have looked how you wanted it to (although, if you are like many ed sufferers, it still felt fat and like you were failing), but the rest of your life was probably pretty much a mess.  When you are restricting, it is hard to function at a normal level much less a optimal level.  Most people can't concentrate, can't sleep and suffer obsessive food/weight thoughts. Now, you might feel that you are still having the food/weight thoughts and as I said, that seems to be the hardest part of this to shed for a lot of people.  

You really do have willpower, even if it doesn't feel like it.  You have willpower to stay alive and be healthy and energetic enough for you kids to have a Mom who can keep up with them and take care of them.  I feel like this can be kind of a subconscious effort of our bodies to not let things get so bad again and have gone through similar periods earlier when I felt like I didn't even have the strength to restrict any more.  I can tell you as I've gotten healthier and stronger in mind that you are displaying a lot of strentgh in having come this far and I know that you can continue on (even if its difficult sometimes).

It is quite possible that your weight is really not an issue and that distorted body image as well as the memory of being sickly are making you feel so overweight and gross now.  This is very common and something that does honestly (I promise) get easier as you get stronger.  However, if you truly feel like you are overweight, I would recommend going to a nutrionist who can help you eat healthfully so that you still have energy and stamina but can help you achieve your goals.  You might also find it helpful to work with an eating disorders therapist at this point, as it sounds like you still have a lot of the feeling part of the eating disorder and having someone to help you work on that can make the process of recovery that much faster.

I can hear such desperation in your note and I really feel for you as I wrote similar journal entries and said the same words to my friends and loved ones in the past.  I understand what a terrible place of limbo and just feeling really gross no matter what that you are in.  I can tell you this with utmost honestly, it WILL get easier and the only thing I know is to acknoledge that yes, you feel truly disgusting and that is really hard (especially as you felt better before) but that your health, family and happiness are all so much more important in the long run.  Getting sick again, especially at this point in your life, really just doesn't make sense and will do more harm than good.

Sorry if this is coming across as pedantic.  I just honestly remember being at that point and really feeling like the answer was to just do what I had done, and it really seems to set you up for misery as it is hard to "trick" your body when it knows what is coming and its also really just not worth it.

I hope this helped at least a little and please feel free to write again if there is anything in this answer that is not clear or anything else that I can help with.

Take care, okay?

Best,
Meg