Expert: Meg - 8/18/2003

Question
Hi Meg. My name is Renee. I have been anorexic for about two years now. It started off as a simple diet but turned into a dangerous obession. I use to be fat around two years ago, my weight was nearly 220. I now am at a weight of 110, however my ass is completly flat and my bones stick out at the top. Most of this weight is probably muscle mass since I go to the gym often. I am not satified with the way that I look. This diease has been aweful, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Sometimes I feel like I just want to die and I feel so ugly and skinny when I look in the mirror. People who do not have this disorder do not get it. It is especially hard for me to recover because I was so heavy before, I am afraid. I finally recognized that I had a problem in January of this year and have been working torward recovey. When I look in the mirror I see that I am too skinny and I want to gain weight! Very different from what I was saying a few months ago when I couldn't see the skeleton that everyone else saw when they looked at me. I am very proud of myself for surviving this far. It has been an unbelivable battle. I only want to gain about 10-15 pounds to get alittle shape back. And I want to gain the weight the right way. I can't believe I have finally recognized what I have done to my body but now I am so depressed when I look in the mirror. I don't want to eat anything full of fat and I don't want to give up my exercising. So how do I put on that weight? How long will it take? It is like I want to look good but I am afraid to do anything about it. I am a very impatient person and the depression is worst than it has ever been. I don't want anorexia to take over my life. I want to be a normal sized person and be happy and healthy. Please help me. How did you recover? How long did it take for you to return to a normal sized weight?

Answer
Hi Renee-

Thanks for writing and I really applaud your wanting to be free of that-as its a huge step to take a really wonderful one.  So, way to go on having a really good attitude and seeing that there truly is LIFE beyond all this.

You're right that unfortunately, recovering generally does take time and isn't a linear thing.  Most people do take awhile and have little setbacks-which can really feel frusterating but is just part of the process.  You're absolutely not alone in this.  

In order to gain back weight-I really recommend consulting a nutritionist or dietician, even once if money is a consideration, so that he or she can really access your body and help you see what you specifically need in order to be healthy as well as take account your personal food preferences and history.  You mentioned being afraid of higher fat foods (again-common with eds) and this is something that a nutrionist could help with in explaining which foods have healthy/benefiecial fats and how much your body needs in order to function optimally-but not make you unhealthy.  So, if at all possible, I highly recommend trying to speak with someone who can access your current condition and help you find a workable plan.

Weight restoration really depends on where you are now and how ready you are to give up the eating disorder.  For me, it has been slow, only as I didn't completely give it up all at once as that would have been really overwhelming for me at the time.  I've known others who have been quite gung ho (as it sounds you may be) and really gotten the physical part under control fairly quickly.  This is pretty much up to you and what you're willing to do to regain your health.  Again (not to harp on this), its really good to consult someone and perhaps even a doctor to make sure that you're coming up with a healthy plan to do this as easily as possible.

I also want to forewarn you that its hard (usually) emotionally to move forward from this and as you've been dealing with the anorexic belief systems that are all part of this-it can be difficult to let go.  There are a few good support sites online (www.healthyplace.com, www.something-fishy.org) which have support boards as well as information on health issues and treatment finders.  Even online support can be a great help in keeping up the motivation to fight this.  

How did I recover...gosh, its truly been a journey.  First came finding the motivation and acknowledging that I needed to change some things (which is hard-but it sounds like you've already done this).  Then, making a plan as to little/managable things I could do to progressivly make these changes (which can really be helped by a dietician/dr/counselor) and finally in reaching out for support so that I had other around who were also working on getting better and could provide a cheer up when I needed it and encouragment as I continued on.

I also feel that its helpful to understand what brought about the eating disorder in the first place so that you don't fall into the same trap again-and this can be done by talking with a counselor or else really looking deeply yourself.

Best of luck to you-and please let me know if there is anything else I can do.  You really sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I know that you can do this.

Take care, okay?

Meg