Expert: Joanne - 10/29/2007

Question
How do I deal with this?!!

I'm at my wits end dealing with his food addiction. To say that I'm having a "hard time" is an understatement. This addiction of his has gotten so out of hand that he's actually trying to turn me into a food addict. His last girlfriend was perfectly healthy when they met - save for some emotional problems - and within three years of dating him she developped bulemia. So did his sister. He literally tries to make me eat things that are so fattening and unhealthy, despite my very clear, very consistent, MULTIPLE demands that he stop doing so. Sometimes after eating the sugary, fatty, unhealthy stuff he presents to me (say, breakfast in bed, for example? How am I supposed to take a kind gesture like that and tell him it's a calorific nightmare that'll probably clog my arteries just by smelling it!), I too feel like making myself throw up just to get it out. His entire family has serious food issues, and at this point I'm just at a loss. Getting him to admit his addiction to food always results in an arguement and more often than not he becomes angry with me. Sometimes I feel like food is his wife and I'm just his mistress. He even works as a chef!

Of course, after a massive "food arguement" he does admit that yes, he's got a problem and yes, he isn't strong enough to deal with it on his own. Of course, alot of his addiction incluides laziness and apathy towards anything remotely healthy or productive, so getting him into therapy always seems like trying to move a mountain. He never has the money (after buying groceries and going to restaraunts several times a week) and I just don't have the stregnth and the resources to help him in the way he needs to get help. I'm not a shrink.

He's debated comitting himself into an institution, but I think it's a bit extreme. Then sometimes I think maybe it's best. I don't know if it's right, those government sponsored institutions might just make him worse. They sort of lump everyone all together, regardless of their phychological needs. I don't know what to do anymore.

Our relationship is falling apart because of this. I fear his relationship with food will eventually affect MY relationship with food, and before long I might have an eating disorder, much like his ex girlfriend did. It's literally like dealing with a drug addict, I've never seen anything like it. The anger, the denial, the hiding of food and the bulk containers of candy and so on. It's really quite sad. He even lies about food and tries to cover his financial losses from going to too many restaraunts and so on. I feel like I'm dating a crack addict!!!

Please help me. It's a terrible thing to watch someone you love kill themselves this way.

Answer
I'm so sorry that things are so out of control just now!  This problem is definitely bigger than the both of you, and you definitely will need professional help to deal with this!

I'm struggling with what to say to you for this, as I have never spoken to anyone going through this kind of experience.

I think that you do need to be very upfront about how this makes you feel - and although you've probably said this to him many times before, you need to just keep repeating yourself.

You may need to refuse the breakfast in bed, and all the nice gestures, as by accepting them, you are helping feed this addiction.  Maybe suggest shopping and cooking together, and making an effort to find more adventrous but healthy meals that he can try cooking.  Refuse to go out for meals when he suggests it, limiting it only to special occasions.

The arguements are unavoidable at times, but sometimes all they will do is drive him further and further into these unnatural behaviours.  He needs you to be there to support and listen to him, but I also wouldn't tip-toe on eggshells either - speak your mind without being too offensive.

I think that you should have him talk to his Dr about this - you may be able to get a referral to someone that can help - and when this is beginning to affect his physical health and finances, this is just going to cause more and more problems further down the line.

You just need to keep trying to get him to get help for this problem, while trying to avoid being too pushy or judgemental - and hopefully he will soon realise that this needs to change soon!


Please don't let this affect your own health!  If this is becoming too much, please try to find some sort of counselling for yourself if you feel you need it.  The last thing you want to do is risk developing an eating disorder, so if you think that this is where you risk heading, I would end your relationship simply for your own well-being!

Please get back in touch if you or your boyfriend want to ask anything!

All the best to the both of you
Holly