Expert: Joanne - 12/16/2007

Question
My name is Jessica, I'm seventeen, and I live in Texas.

From the time I was thirteen until I was sixteen, I was anorexic and bulimic. My highest weight was 120, my lowest 87. I am currently 114 and am 5'6".

I have always been depressed, but I hide it from my parents. I have a history of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and self mutilation. I was abused for my entire life, molested, and raped when I was fifteen.

Until today, I had not purged in nearly a year. I usually eat about 1500 calories, but for the past week, I have been restricting.

And.... yesterday, I binged. I couldn't control myself. I ate a box of poptarts, a box of Ding Dongs, a whole box of cocoa pops... And I purged for nearly twenty minutes.

I did the same thing today... I made a batch of 40 cookies and ate them all... and purged. They're all I've eaten today...

I don't know what caused me to lose control. I am happier than I have ever been... I'm away from my stepfather, who abused and molested me, and I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy? Why am I relapsing. What the heck is wrong with me!


Answer
Jessica

Did you ever receive any counselling for the abuse?  Did you seek any treatment for the eating disorder or substance misuse?

You may believe that you are at your happiest now, and you most likely are, but you could be happier!  My feelings about your situation may be that your eating disorder has re-emerged simply because you haven't dealt with the issues from your past.

You may think things will be fine as your abuser is no longer around, but that isn't to say there isn't a lasting psychological impact!  You may not even be aware that it is having an effect, this could all be subconscious!  But I definitely think that you need to think about seeking counselling/more counselling in order to deal with your past and help you deal with the feelings surrounding food now!

Please feel free to come back if you want to ask absolutely anything!

All the best
Holly