Expert: Katie - 12/15/2007

Question
I had been emotionally overeating (not bingeing) for about a year when i decided i was sick of getting fatter and fatter through eating my emotions.  So, in Feb 2007 i cut my eating down to only one meal a day (about 600-800 cals) and frequently ended up skipping this meal too at weekends i was also exercising 4-5 times a week.  I lost about 25lbs in a short period of time, but i began bingeing and would gain a lot of this weight back so i would compensate by restricting again afterwards.  This period of bingeing and restricting was soon followed by purging (only after bingeing.  I knew what i was doing was wrong but i was obsessed with food, calories, and fat.  After my purging was discovered by my best friend i was finally forced to tell my mum what was going on in october.  The problem is..since my ed has come out in the open it has completely escalated.  Before anyone knew, it felt as if i could control my bingeing by restricting afterwords but now ive lost the control to even do that and i am now bingeing everyday and have now gained 23lbs since october.  I feel fat, worthless and disgusting but still i cant control my eating.  I am waiting to see a specialist but in the meantime i would be grateful for any advice you can offer on how to control my bingeing as i feel i cannot eat normally without feeling guilty and ending up bingeing.  Im at my lowest point ever, i just cant go on living my life full of secrets, lies and shame!

Answer
Hi Lucee! Thanks for the question. My deepest apologies regarding the delay! I am a collegiate athlete and have been out of state throughout the past week due to matches, therefore have been unable to tend to my questions. My apologies for keeping you waiting.

A big congratulations is in order for your wanting to seek help and recovery. It may not feel very nice at the moment, but you're very lucky that your "secret" is out and that you have people around who care about your health and well-being enough for them to force you to seek help. Once an eating disorder loses its element of "secrecy", it sometimes doubles as the moment that the eating disordered realizes they need to get help. The element of secrecy that surrounds an eating disorder, is sometimes one of the main contributors to the sense of "control" that an eating disorder gives its sufferer. This may possibly explain why you feel as though you've lost some of that control, and feel as though your eating disorder has spiraled out of control.
I can definitely relate to the sort of "yo-yo" pattern that your eating disorder has taken on. I was anorexic for years and wasted away to 85.5 pounds, then, while trying to recover from anorexia, fell back into bulimia and was up to 128 pounds in less than 6 months. This is very unhealthy, and this pattern can take a very serious toll on your heart.
I see that you're currently waiting in order to see a specialist, which is great! I think you need to incorporate both a nutritionist, as well as a therapist into your attempt at recovery. They are both equally important in making a full, healthy recovery. A nutritionist will work with you to determine a set meal plan for you, tailored to you and your body's needs. He/she will work with you to determine what kinds of food you like and would be willing to eat, what vitamins or minerals your body may be lacking, what foods you tend to binge on (and how to avoid that), as well as how much and how often you should be eating. A therapist is key in recovery. The reason I say this is because eating disorders are (usually) caused by underlying emotional issues that need to be dealt with and addressed. A therapist will help you to do this. They will give you the "tools" that you need to combat these feelings, and to mend your strained relationship with food and body-image. Don't limit yourself to just one therapist or nutritionist, either. If you don't feel comfortable with someone, after giving them a try, you should seek the help of another one. It is important that YOU feel comfortable with someone and can build a trusting relationship with them. A life free of eating disorders is a wonderful life, and you deserve, and will have, that wonderful life! Never lose faith in yourself along the way.

I'm sure you've been told this a million times before, but I feel an urge to repeat it. As human beings, we should never feel any sort of guilt for eating. Our bodies were designed to have food be our number one source of fuel for energy. It is necessary for survival, as well as being key in living a happy, healthy, well-rounded life.

In the meantime, just try to keep yourself focused, and try to find other things to fill in for your bulimia, and your urges to binge. It will be difficult, but try. I know it is frustrating, because I'm sure you're already trying, but as of right now, that may be all you can do. Think of how wonderful life is without eating disorders, and try to open your eyes to how much you truly deserve to be living life as a happy and healthy girl. You can, and you will, do it.
I hope this helped! If you have any more questions, feel free to ask. Best of luck in your recovery, and happy holidays.