Expert: Meg - 8/27/2007

Question
Hi Meg,
I wrote a little while ago , and Ive got a few more questions I hope you can help with.
Just to recap I have been in recovery since May this year, I am 5"2 and 8 stone. My weight stabilised at 8 stone after the intial slurge of weight gain once I started eating more, it now seems to be settled at the above weight. I am only eating between 1400/1500 calories a day ( very rarely does it go over this)and exercising 6 times a week.I am still receiving physcological help as an outpatient , although I had my last appointment with my dietican this week, but she said I can still see her if I feel the need in the future. I was told that for waht I am eating and exercising I should be losing weight, and my metabolism has probably slowed down . Does this seem right? Despite all the exercising and low calorie intake my weight is not dropping, dont get me wrong I dont want it to drop, I know this would be a bad thing , but I am petrified that if I ease up on the exercise and eat the calories that maybe I should be eating ( say 1600/1800) then the weight will pile on.Whilst I feel really healthy and have loads of energy, I feel as though maybe its only the exercise thats keeping me at the weight I am at the moment and realistically I should not have to exercise for nearly 5 hours a week to maintain my weight as well as eating 1400/1500 calories. I am trying hard but feel like I am started to waive and feel like giving up again, it seems to hard to put all this effort in to just keep a weight level.I look around and see other people and think, god Im killing myself to stay like this yet others hardly exercise and eat so much more. Ive been eating like this since the end of May and cant understand what is going on with my body, I can assume that my metabolism is still not working correctly? does this sound correct? I dont understand how the exercise is only helping to maintain my weight, although I am getting really toned, and I am told that this might be becasue I am losing even more body fat and replacing it with muscle, but then dont you need surplus calories to build muscle in the first place? I am so confused by it all. If I had started to lose weight from the exercise then I would started to eat more to help balance out of the effects. Whilst I enjoy exercise I cant always keep up 5 hours a week,surely this is not normal levels of exercise to just help maintain weight? I am trying so hard and the good thing is that I am aware that Ive only been in recovbery for a little while so some of the anorexic thoughts are still trying to dominate me ( I still weight all food, weight myself, wont let anyone prepare me food and will only eat at certain places where I already know the calorie content.) I am so sorry for going on, I keep telling everyone Im doing fine and some weeks I feel really positive, but, sometimes, deep down I feel so low and feel like a burden to people if I said ,no actually I feel like crap today, I just think that poeple are thinking , when is she ever going to get better.I get the impression that poeple are thinking right shes gained a few pounds shes all well again, whilst inside Im in turmoil. I so want to get better,so I can get my periods back and start a family with my husband. I am starting to avoid talking about the illness with my friends as I dont want to go on.I feel like a wierdo when they ask me to go out for meals as I refuse certain places because of the types of food they do ( fast food only etc)and then they say to me well youve put some weight on now and your eating why cant you go there?? As you know yourself you may start to eat but the anorexic voice in your head is somewhat 10 times more stubborn and hell bent on not going away!!
Sorry for the rant, I just feel as though I am unable to do this anymore with anyone, I still dont see the benefit of the hospital help. I really dont want to relapse , I feel I have come so far, when I tell this to my physcologist all i get in reply is " well you know that your just being silly and you know what you need to do to be healthy" Im not looking for pity , but I feel as though I am not getting understood.

Apologies again for the essay,many thanks for your time x

Answer
Hey Alison!

Of course I remember you and I'm glad that you wrote again and are still trying.  My apologies for taking a day to get back with you...I knew that I wanted to write a longer response and that I would need a more substantial amount of time to do so.  

First of all, I agree with you in that although you are still struggling (which is perfectly normal at the point you are at) you HAVE come quite a long ways.  And I hope that you are proud and aware that you have worked hard to get where you are and that is really excellent.  I think its really easy to get caught up in feeling like just  because you're not all the way there, you are not trying/doing enough.  Those of us who have had eating disorders tend to fall into black and white thinking about things as well as be particularly hard on ourselves.  So, I think its important that you give yourself credit here where credit is due.  And, I agree that you've come to far to fall back again and relapse, so its great that you are being proactive and looking for solutions and ways not to do this.

It does sound to me like you are exercising quite a lot and your metabolism isn't back to normal yet.  I totally understand your frustration, feeling like you are doing the "right things" (ie: exercise and eating more than you have been) and not seeing the results (your body being back to normal yet) that you expect and hope for.  That can be so frustrating and I am sorry that you're in this phase right now.  I remember feeling the same way and you will get through it.  For now, I would suggest easing up on the scale and weighing, even a little bit and continuing to do what you're doing.  The difficult thing is that I think you have to let your body recover in whatever way it needs to do so, and this letting go a bit goes against all of the behaviors and thoughts that come with anorexia.  However, this doesn't mean that you need to or will gain any more weight.  Honestly, I found that as I got my exercise to a more manageable level and even started eating a little more I didn't gain really at all.  It was pretty strange as I was terrified of the same things you are and felt like I was working so hard just to maintain my weight (which I wasn't even happy with).  So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it really comes with letting go even more than you already have.  

I also agree that its possible that you are gaining muscle mass, which will always be heavier and make it seem like you're gaining (or maintaining) even if your body is slimmer.  The difficulty that you face (and anyone who is recovering) is that it is impossible guaranteed that your body perception is way off right now.  So, no matter what is actually happening with your body, you may *feel* fat because you are eating more normally and not actively engaging in anorexic behaviors.  If you can try to keep this in mind and even tell yourself this when you start getting freaked out, it really can help.

I think that recovery (at least the ones I have seen that have been successful) takes awhile.  If you push too fast (or are forced to push too fast) its easy to get overwhelmed and fall back into your eating disorder.  Conversely, if you continue to take little baby steps and keep working on letting go of the anorexic mindset and thinking, you will get there and not even *want* to go back to how it was before.  Obviously, a big key is letting go of the anorexic thinking, which is not easy and takes time and work.  Especially if you were anorexic for awhile (I don't remember, but I'm thinking you said that you were sick for at least a few years?), its an ongoing process that doesn't always seem like its paying off but ultimately does.

As for telling everyone that you're okay, but kind of feeling differently sometimes, this is also normal.  I think a lot of people (even really well meaning ones) think that once you are eating a little more healthfully again and not as scary thin as you were, that you are recovered.  However, this is not true and unfortunate as the point you are at in recovery is often when people need support the most.  If you feel comfortable, I would suggest letting a few people whom you are close to know that you still really need their support right now.  Otherwise, I know it can be hard to deal with people not understanding but hopefully even a few clued in and helpful friends/family members can make this time easier.  I found that this website and its support board were very helpful when I was in the phase you are now.  It can be helpful to connect with others who are going through the same struggles to be well and certainly is good to know that you're not alone.  You might want to check it out:
http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/

As far as people thinking you should just be over it, I can imagine that this doesn't feel great and I kind of went through something similar.  However, if people don't understand or know about eating disorders, then they might think this.  Its true that the majority of people haven't had an eating disorder and don't understand them but as I said before, the people who have (and the people you explain this to) understand that it takes a LONG time and you're on the right track.  

As far as only eating certain places and still having some food issues, I think you're really okay.  These take a long time to move past and as long as you are continually working on taking little steps forward, eating your meals consistently and doing your best to let go of the thinking then I think these other things will fall away with time.  Maybe explain to people that while you are really working on recovery right now, it might  be helpful for plan activities where the focus is not food until you're more steady.  Also, I know that I found that the more people made dumb comments and seemed to be observing my eating, the harder it was.  On the other hand, friends who said "I'm going here and going to get lunch...come along if you want" and then ordered and ate without making any comments made me feel so comfortable that soon I was joining them.  

I'm sorry that your psychologist doesn't seem to be understanding either.  Of course you know what to do to be healthy, but of course there is still the very strong pull of the eating disorder and the tension between these two makes every day a challenge.  As you get further into recovery, this will get easier but in honesty it is really difficult for awhile.

It sounds like you have some good things in your life (a husband who loves you, plans to start a family, etc) and right now, I think its really important for you to look at what you want overall with your life.  Having goals and dreams are so important in moving forward and letting go of your eating disorder and the clearer you can get with where you want to be 5 or 10 or 25 years down the road and what you want in your life, the more you can use this as motivation to keep fighting.  I can guarantee you that if you look at the big picture, there will be things that are way more valuable and important to your big picture then 5 or 10 pounds (though I know right now, they probably seem immensely important).  Making your dreams come true will make you happy, staying in the cycle of an eating disorder really won't.  I know that I got to a point where I thought, "what if I'm one of those people who has so many regrets because I never was able to focus on anything but this".  It scared me a lot and helped me to move forward.  I don't know if this will work for you, but I can tell from your notes that you are intelligent and insightful and have a lot going for you.  And, the less your eating disorder is controlling your life and thinking, the more room you will have for the things that will bring you *real* happiness.  And again, this doesn't mean that you ever have to get fat or have a body that you hate.  It just means that you have to let go of the illusion of control that anorexia brings, which is hard but you can do it.  

Keep doing what you're doing.  It sounds like you're on the right track and I've no doubt that you can get to the other side.  Let the people you are close with know that you still need their support, even if you don't look *as* sick and then use them (or a journal, or therapist or whatever) when you have those overwhelming emotions that come with recovery.  Keep in the back of your mind that you are going to feel *fat/bad/etc* sometimes as you move on and this is the eating disorder trying to fight for control and a place in your life.  You can feel all of these things and then identify these feelings as *eating disordered* and not act on them.  It gets easier the more you do it.  And, most importantly, find what inspires you, what you dream of and start putting some of the energy you gave to being anorexic towards these goals. I can promise you that the results will be SO much greater than years of living with anorexia could ever bring.

I hope this helped at least a little bit.  Please write anytime (even if you just want to vent) and know that you can and will get through this.

Stay strong, okay?

Meg