Expert: Reverend Abbott - 4/5/2004

Question
Hi

I wander can you offer me any help or advice.

My 17 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for nearly 2 years now. In that time  she has considerably gained weight rising from a size 10 to a size 16. Her Mother and I know that her strong willed boyfriend has been "force feeding" her on junk food and chocolate. He himself did suffer from anorexia and bulimia several years ago which I feel has had a strong bearing on all of this. Would it be possible that his experiences in the past has now led to some sort of "feeder syndrome"?

Trying to talk to my daughter about the problem or referring her to her GP seems to compound the situation. With my daughter's general health deteriorating rapidly I would be most grateful of any advice.

Kind regards

Jim Clarke


Answer
You've got some astute insight!  Bulimia/Anorexia are eating disorders which frequently have 'control issues' at their root.  Sounds like the boyfriend is still pretty untreated (psychologically) for these issues and yes, it's common for such behavior.  In fact, one of the most common things an anorexic does is prepare elaborate meals for others, sometimes even finding work as a cook or chef.  In this case, he's probably feeding your daughter everything HE wants to eat.  

Talking to someone "in love" about faults, failures or problems their significant other might have is usually fruitless and just makes YOU the bad guy.  I can't tell you how many times I've had to watch people I care about become victims of alcoholics (making a myriad of excuses for them) or other emotional, mental abusers.  I understand your frustration and feelings of helplessness.

So, while you can't force HER to get counseling, YOU can go yourself and learn how to deal with the fallout of being a victim yourself.  Seriously, this works, a LOT!  It helps develop solutions to how you perceive it, react to it and even exercise your own control over it.  Remember, no one can "make" us mad, happy or anything else - without our cooperating/permission.  

You could also try to get her involved in activities that take her away from the situation and distract her with things that might just hold her interest more than he does !  Volunteering for animal or environmental causes is always a popular outlet for this age group.  Helping with handicapped kids (becoming a horse walker if available in your area) is sure to win her heart.  
Check the listings of volunteer positions open and even for your daughter's age group by looking to "Volunteer Match" at my site.  It's got everything, everywhere!  Your city is likely to be listed with things you didn't even know about!

No sign ins, no sales, no products or pitches...

http://www.geocities.com/thereverend1investigates/

Let me know ok?