Expert: Joanne - 7/4/2006

Question
HI There Holly,

I am 26 and am seeing a girl who I am totally in love with and not totally in love with trying to save, just needed to clear that up from the get go.

I have been With her for 2 years and to say we have had a rocky realtionship would be a fiar statement. She is struggling with Bulimia nervosa and has been seeing a psychologist for as long as I have been with her and before that.

After one of her boyfriends left her she started throwing up and seems it has gotten worse after the last boyfriend, both boyfriends have cheated on her. just giving you some realtionship history so when I say I am walking in the shadows of past relationships you know what I mean.

I am here for this girl no matter what it takes and am now at a point where I dont know how to help anymore and where to turn for answers. 2 years with this psychologist hasn't shown improvement and he told me that it will only get better when she takes owenership of the issue.

If I ask her how she is she tells me and doesnt generally hide the details from me if I ask. Problem is she wont tell her mom or family because they freaked out last time she did. She still lives with her family.

I genreally stay calm but I am getting really worried, she has lsot so much weight and is starting to get odd stomach cramps and high acidity issues.

The minute doctors see her they ask her which means they signs are pretty obvious to trained medical practitioners, and all her friends are maoning about her losing too much weight.

If I tell her parents and family it will be out but she wont trust me anymore, but if it means she will get better and be healthy I would rather lose her from me and see her healthy.

If telling her family isnt the answer than i will do whatever is, I know I cant fix this but it is emotionally draining and difficult to stay happy and energised for 2 people.

I can give her everything and have been trying but realise now that giving her everything she wants for happiness doesnt mean anything unless she ask's for it.

like I said I will do anything, even if it means losing her for her to be better.

Any adivise would be great.

Thanks
Steve

Answer
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply.  Before answering your question, I wanted to check with some of my close friends what they'd have done in your situation, as I myself have not been in it, but they have with me (I know it is slightly different in that you are partners).

I respect you a lot for saying that you are willing to lose her in order to tell her family and get her the help that she needs!  I think that could be a solution to this issue, but at the same time, it could also backfire!  Past boyfriends have cheated on her, betrayed her, and I suppose that in her mind, you betraying her in this way may be no different to you cheating on her.

You could sit and talk with her.  Explain that you are struggling to support her on your own, and would appreciate it if she would let you tell someone else - possibly her mum!  You could arrange to sit down with her psychologist while you both tell her family and have him there to explain things, calm the situation if necessary.

The stomach cramps would suggest that she needs to seriously think about what she is doing to her body.   High acidity can cause stomach ulcers and everything, and they can become dangerous.  If she is getting ulcers, think about what the acid will be doing to her teeth and oesophagus!

You need to tell her that telling her family if in her best interests.  She needs to get support from the people that she lives with and eats with as well as yourself.  She should also be made aware that it is too much for you.  She may not see what this is doing to you as she will only be able to see what is going on for herself, so you need to point out how hard it is.

There are support groups and online groups out there existing for friends and family.  There are people that you can talk to that will help you deal better with this, and be able to offer you support from their ow experiences.
I suggest that you both look at www.somethingfishy.org  There is message boards for both sufferers and friends and family.  These boards are separate, and providing you don't give each other your passwords or usernames, you can be anonymous on these boards so that you don't need to worry about your partner reading your posts.

If you like, pass this site and my name on to your girlfriend and tell her to contact me.  I have a lot more experience with bulimia than anorexia and will possibly be able to relate to what she is saying.  It took me more than 4 years to tell my family!

Please come back if you need more questions answered, need someone to talk to, or need this answer expanded on!

All the best to both of you
Holly