Expert: Meg - 10/22/2006

Question
Hi Meg,  I am recovering from anorexia.  I admit I have a problem and I am seeing a Christian counselor.  I am 28 years old married with 2 kids and I am scared of never being "normal" again.  I am 5 5' and 88 lbs. I stay at home with my 2 girls so I have a lot of time to think about eating and things like that.  I get bored very fast and hate sitting around so I go on walks with my baby and walk on the treadmill.  I probably average about 1 1/2 - 2 hours of exercise a day.  I weigh myself only once a week with my husband (Saturday morning). I am trying to find a balance between exercise and eating normal but it is so hard.  Once I find I have not gained any weight and in fact lost more weight I get a scared and "allow" myself to eat whatever I want (binge)... then I feel guilty and then be over cautious with what I eat for the week until the dreaded weigh day.  I don't know what to do... I don't want to die.  I am soooooo tired of thinking about this.  

Answer
Hi Christina,

Thanks for your question and I am sorry that you are going through this and hope that I can be of some help.  

It sounds like you are feeling pretty trapped in your eating disorder and like you know if this continues, your health (and possibly your life) are in danger but its too scary to think about letting it all go.  I remember being in this place so I really sympathize with what a difficult spot you are in right now.  

Its good that you are working with a counselor and I hope that this is something that they are helping you with and that you feel free to talk about.  I'm wondering if you might need to work with an eating disorder specialist, as you are at a pretty low weight and seem like you're pretty entrenced in anorexia right now.  If your current counselor isn't trained in dealing with this, you might want to consider working with one who really understands the psychology behind an eating disorder and can help you get out as quickly as possible.  (Hopefully, your current counselor is great and does know how to help, but I wanted to throw that out there just in case).  Also, you mention that you are still losing and then when you realize that, you feel like you *should* eat and allow yourself to eat more normally and then feel out of control and the cycle begins again.  A good way of breaking that loop is to create a diet plan that you can live with and that will allow you to find some middle ground.  A nutritionist is also good in helping you understand that (as cheesy as it sounds) food is really not the enemy but fuel for your body.  I know that I learned how certain foods/nutrients that I found daunting were actually helpful and what exactly eating them would do for my body.  So, this is another option to consider.

Here is a link that covers all types of treatment and might be of help:

http://www.something-fishy.org/treatmentfinder/

In terms of exercise, it does sound like you might be overdoing it a bit and while I totally understand that you probably want to do some exercise, it is very important that you give your body the nutrients that it needs in order to even be able to exercise.  Otherwise, you could get hurt and even end up hurting your baby (for example, if you passed out while walking).  Please be careful with this, okay?

It also sounds like weighing yourself is kind of trigging you into staying in this cycle of disordered eating as well.  Honestly, you probably should be monitered by a doctor at your weight but other than being weighted there (and I recommend not seeing your weight at all while you are recovering-and getting rid of scales but I know some people don't want to do that).  At least think about how the scale and your weekly weighings are effecting your behavior and think about down the line getting rid of it (or letting your husband hide it so that if you really freak out, he can bring it back-but otherwise it will not be something that you base your behavior on).  

I really understand how tiring it can be to be stuck thinking of this all the time and wanting to let go but being afraid to.  Recovery (for most people) is a rather long journey and it starts with little steps.  First, wanting to get better and making the commitment to get better even if it means slowly letting go of some of the comforts of your eating disorder has to happen.  Think about what you want in your life, for your family, etc and weight that against what the eating disorder will give you.  This will probably make things pretty clear, although I know that there is always that little glimmer of hope that the eating disorder and finally reaching your goal will bring happiness.  I can tell you from my experience that it really doesn't and that LIFE, people, exeperiences, dreams-all of these things make me so much happier and fufilled than being anorexic ever did.  And, the good news is that the healthier you get, the less you will be stuck in these thought patterns and the more time you will have to be happy and life.  

Take little steps.  Add a few foods to your "safe" foods every week.  Try to stop adding calories and just eat something once a day, then up it to more as you get more comfortable.  Get rid of your scale!  Its not a good judge of your worth, but it sure can feel like it when you're sick.  Start looking at what makes you happy (other than weight/food stuff), and then take some of the free time that you have and put it towards a new hobby, sport, class, etc.  

Your husband might also want to read up about anorexia and how to best help.  Here is another link that you might want to pass along to him-and its also sometimes good for husbands/partners to go to a therapy session or two.  

http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/whatyoucando.php

I hope this helps at least a little and that my advise wasn't too general.  Please write again if there is anything else that I can answer or clarify and I wish you health and happiness.  You sound like a strong woman and I am sure that you can use that as well as the support of your family to beat this.  You're worth it!

Take care,
Meg