Expert: Joanne - 10/15/2006

Question
hi, i'm ruby and i've got a friend who's just transfered to my school.  she's 14 and really thin.  she misses heaps of school cause she's in hospital.  i know that because my aunt works in her ward and has told me she has an eating disorder.  my friend doesn't know that i know.  she keeps saying stuff like 'oh i was in hospital' but i don't know if i should ask her why (cause i'd be prying) or to tell her that i know she has a problem.  she's been dealing with it well, i think, but sometimes she doesn't eat lunch and i don't want to say any thing, just in case she works out that i know about her. what should i do? (i hope it made sense...)  

Answer
I want to start by reminding you (not in a nasty way) that this girl does have a right to privacy, and it was not fair of your aunt to violate that.

Now that you know, however, that can not be changed.

Are you close friends with this girl?  If you are, you could ask her why she has been in hospital.  You could say something like:- "I don't want to pry, but why were you in hospital?  If you would like to, we could talk about it!"
This way, you are giving her the chance to tell her without her knowing that you know.

It is just a matter of trying to work out whether or not she would be comfortable telling you.  If she doesn't have anything to say, don't try to push it.

You probably shouldn't tell anyone else about the information that you have as it is not nice to have your personal situations be public knowledge.  However, if you do think that she isn't coping at any point or seems to be getting worse, then you should confront her with your worry (maybe still don't say that you have been told though) and at that point I would say it would be very sensible for you to tell a teacher or adult that could help her.

It is all about what she wants though.  She is receiving treatment for the eating disorder, so it is not necessary for you to try to encourage her to come out about it or anything like that.  Now it is just a matter of supporting her if she is willing to accept support from you.

I hope that this has been of some help to you.  Please feel free to come back if you have anything else you want to discuss.

I would also suggest checking out www.something_fishy.org
They have a good message board for friends and family of sufferers.  People there may have been in your situation before and be able to give you advice on how to handle this.

Holly