Expert: Meg - 4/30/2006

Question
Thanl you Meg for your kind reply.

I find it conforting to hear that what is happening to me is "normal " in recovery form eating disorder.
And yes,I do have a very "schedeuled" eating during the day, and from advise from my dietritian i do not cut out fat. However the starnge thing is that she is adamant that one should take 5 g of slat everyday. In my ED days i woudl never ever use slat on anything and only eat i if i hade a binge (crisps) so it feels rather contradictive because I as well as u always thought that salt retains water.
another thing I experiance great pain in my joints, primary hip/knee/foot did you?
How long woudl you recon it takes to get "normal"?
What are the signs that one is heading the right way? as opposed to the swelling stage where the body recovers?
The thing is that I really hate myself so much right now that it is impossibel to be "normal" and go out or se friends, I so desperately whant it to go away, now, now , now.
As in terms of my work I love it but it also requires a lot of travel and it is almost impossibel to do at the monemt. Beeing "representative and efficient" looking like a balloon! Any advise that might help here. Also in therms of shopping, I can not bring my self to it, how did you cope with having to by clothes 3 times bigger than before?
Will i really be normal again?
Many thanks in advance

Best Regards
Åsa

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Followup To
Question -
Dear Meg,
I am in the recovery phase from serious eating disorder (anorexia /bulimia/ laxative abuse ect)
It has been since Sept last year now, that i started to eat, and my body is totaly out of control. I have nutritional support and eat according to that, and I belive that if a healty pearson would eat like that they would lose weight however I am just gaining...lots and I am so swollen all the time it is like I have all this fluid between the skin and my bones and my feet and hands are realy bad. Stomach is like a balloon. According to the dietritian that is "normal" ofter many years of starving. But my concern is tha lack of understanding that she has for all this, it really deprives me of my life!!! I used to think Anorexia did that but it is nothing compared to this!! I never ever go out or se friends as I feel so ashamed of my new horribel body. I feel tired and depressed about everything!Totally out of controll. I hate the way I look now, no clothes fit ect ect. I think oyu get the drift. And it is impossibel to go shopping for new ones as it sets off severe depression and self hate in the dressing room, absolutely torture!!
I love my job and I begin to think that I can not go on with it if things does not change soon. I have been seeing a shrink for the last 4 years and still does. It feels like I have traded a sick mind for a sick body, and I hate it. I would much rather have anorexia again than this, it is like a prison in my own body. What can I do to cope? I also used to be very active, now the more I exersice the more I swell up, like a ballon. Why is that? What did you /did you not eat in your recovery? Have you got any tips on how to speed up the process for the body to get back to a normal funktioning? I have taken all the tests under the sun and according to doctors there is nothing wrong- sadly to me i much rather have cancer (i now it sounds crazy, but its what i feel) than this, when will it end? how can it end? Please advise me, I appreciate every little bit of info you my give.
Many thanks in advance
Regards
Åsa Johansson
Answer -
Hi Asa,

Thanks for your question and I hope that I can be of some help as I really remember going through the stage you are now and how difficult it was.  I'm so sorry that you're experiencing some of the nasty after effects of an ed.  If it makes you feel better to know, I went through that myself for a while and the good news is that it will get improve eventually. The tough part, and I know that it is really hard, is to hang in there and continue to give your body the nutrition it needs to fully recover so that it will begin to react normally again.  The way I see it, you kind of have to look at the long term at this point and rationalize that even if you feel absolutely horrible right now, it will be worth it down the road when you can be both healthy and happy with your body and free of all of this eating disorder stuff.

Your  dietician is correct that it is fairly normal (albeit rather uncomfortable and not too fun) for a person who has had her ed for a long while to take awhile to adjust to recovery. Its good that you've ruled out anything physically abnormal with your doctor and although I wish there were an answer that would make this uncomfortable time disappear for you, unfortunately I think you just need to stick it out and know that it will not go on forever.

In terms of what you should eat at this point, I would really try to get as balanced a diet as possible so that your body can totally heal as fast as it can.  Obviously, the longer you are able to stick to a consistant plan, the faster this can happen.  I would caution you against cutting out fats (which I know I was quite tempted to do as I recovered) as that can lead to imbalances.  Also, its always good to watch sodium intake as that exacerbates any bloating that might be normal for you at this time and will make you feel worse.  Eating high fiber foods and drinking lots of water can help too, in terms of keeping things moving.  But again, most of all, try to keep consistant with your eating and make sure that you are covering all of your nutritional needs every day.

That said, I remember how awful it is to feel so upset about your body (post-ed) that you can't do much else other than obsess and I know that you probably need to find some good coping mechanisms to deal with living right now while your body gets healthy and balances itself out.  

In terms of clothing, I agree that shopping is no fun when you're feeling so badly about your body.  Until things are better (and again, I promise they will be eventually), I found that comfortable clothing that you will enjoy wearing but not feel restricted or self conscious in can help some of the body angst at this time.  I also found that if I really wanted to find some cute stuff while shopping but wasn't body happy at the moment, finding cute accessories (like rings, fun socks, shoes, hair stuff) satisfied my desire to find something cute and was also good in that once my body evened out, I could still keep it around and use it.  

In terms of all of the body hate, I know that is really awful to  endure and pretty hard to explain to anyone who has not been through it.  In my experience with myself and other girls who have recovered, I have found that it does slowly decrease the further away from being sick that you get.  Also, this may be a good time to figure out what else you love or inspires you (other than body/food/ed stuff) and try to put some of the excess energy that can easily turn into body hatred towards that.  I know that you mentioned feeling so badly that you didn't always want to see friends, but its good to reach out and keep connected with people right now  too.  If nothing else, that will give you a break from your own thoughts and help you remember that there is a lot of life out there-beyond all of this stuff.  And, of course, friends can be great support and help remind you of all of the other incredible things about you that are not related to weight.  

One of my best friends, who stuck with me through being sick and through all of my time recovering would always remind me that what I was seeing (in terms of my body) was always MUCH worse and more critical than anyone else.  So, even if you feel really self conscious about your body right now, most people probably aren't critiquing you or giving it a second thought.

It sounds like you are already doing a lot of the right things and I applaud all of your hard work getting this far.  Recovering from Anorexia and eating disorders is really hard and you are obviously very strong to have come this far-and I've no doubt that you can make it all the way.  Just try to be extra kind and gentle with yourself right now and keep in the back of your mind that this will all get better.  

I hope this helped and PLEASE feel free to write again if there is anything that I can further clarify or any other way that I can help.

Best,
Meg

Answer
Hi Asa,

Thanks for your reply and I'm actually really glad to hear from you again as I kept thinking of more things that might be of help during the day yesterday (after I had replied).  

First off, your dietician is correct in that some salt in a diet is important (I believe in the regulation of electrolyes).  That said, it is almost impossible not to get enough salt in regular food due to processing and the like.  So, if you are adding a ton of additional salt, you may not need to continue with that.  Of course, I would recommend talking with your dietician about this and why she feels that you need the additional salt before taking any action.  

Its good that you have a regular schedule because that will help retrain your body to digest food and use it systematically for energy.  It also helps to reduce the likelihood of binges, which is helpful in terms of not feeling out of control as one recovers.  

In terms of how long it will take you to be totally back to normal, that's kind of hard to say-only because this is so subjective to your body and how sick you got and how good it is at rebuilding itself.  I believe that you mentioned that your eating disorder was fairly serious and that you were sick for awhile so it may take a little while for your body to readjust.  In terms of signs to look for that your body is getting better, I would recommend watching for improved health first and foremost.  As unimportant as that probably feels at this point, when your body is fully healthy and working again, the bloating, swelling, unevenness, etc will go away.  

I really wish that there were some formula to know how long this takes, but sadly, I don't think there is (or at least that I've ever encountered).  Again, the best advice I have is to put as much energy as possible into getting healthy and working on non-weight stuff and know that your body will even out and you'll get past this difficult time. And, you really will.

In terms of feeling too terrible to do stuff, I remember so clearly how awful that was and my heart goes out to you.  The sad truth is that for most people who are recovering, there is a period of feeling really uncomfortable and kind of crappy.  It makes sense when you think that by giving your body food and getting healthy, you are going against everything that you have "perfected" while you were sick so of course, doing this is going to feel really wrong for awhile.   

One thing that I remembered after I wrote to you was that I think its extremely important that you have lots of support from friends/family/a therapist/whatever during this time.  The reason being that when we are sick with anorexia and underweight, our bodies kind of serve as a "help me" sign and people do respond and are supportive/concerned/etc.  The problem is, often when weight is restored, people who haven't experienced and ed think that the problem is solved and because a person may look "healthier" she is all better.  However, as you are experiencing, I think this is probably the most difficult time in terms of feeling awful because now you have given up the pseudo security of your eating disorder and your body which at least felt in control as well as a coping mechanism and you are left feeling physically uncomfortable and not able to use your old means to soothe any of those bad feelings.  So, as silly as it sounds, use your voice and speak up with what you need from your loved ones/therapist/etc right now.  I know it sounds weird, but I really think that learning to do this is a huge step forward in recovery and (at least for me) in living.  

As for your friends, I know you may feel too awful but I would suggest at least trying to be around people who can help you shift your focus from hating your body (which I understand as I spent so long doing the same) to anything else.  Hopefully, your friends will be understanding if you let them know that you are feeling a little bad but still would like company-so you don't have to put on a fake happy face and you can still be with people who care about you.  

In terms of your work, I know that certain situations can make it more difficult to continue on as you recover.  It sounds like you work in an environment where you need to maintain a certain facade a lot of the time (again, I can relate) and I know that poses a lot of challanges.  People told me that I should take time off while I got back on my feet which is indeed an option.  I think the other thing you can do is really cut yourself A LOT of slack and be okay with doing/looking/being "your best" everyday-even if that is not up to your standard of perfection.  

And, again, try to put as much focus on other things as possible right now.  It really does get easier with time, so a little distraction while you re-learn to live and eat normally isn't a bad thing.

As for clothing, I know its really depressing to see a bigger size than you like.  Again, I really feel for you as I went through this and cried many times in  store dressing rooms.  You can find stuff that is stretchy and not as size specific and I also found that cutting tags out of my clothing for awhile helped stop me obsessing when I was wearing a new size that I wasn't used to.  And above all, remind yourself that this miserable time is temporary but your health and life will hopefully be long.  You can get through this rough part and things are going to get better, I promise you.

Again, please write anytime and know that I have been there and it will get easier.  Just keep going forward and trying not to look back or put too much of your focus there.  After all, I'm sure there are lots of incredible things that will be in your life and you want to be healthy and ready for them.

Take care,
Meg