Expert: Meg - 4/17/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi, Meg...

I really appreciate your words.  I feel somebody understands and also makes sense..... As I recover or other feelings arise I will get in contact with you.....   May the Lord bless you always...  
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Hello, Meg:
What about clothes?  Did it bother you when it got tighter?  It is reeeeaaally frustrating when I feel my clothes to get tighter.  I have not weighed myself, but I feel heavier and larger, even though I have not yet increased the calorie intake from 800 cals.  How can this be?  Is it in my mind or it is possible to gain weight eating the same stuff?
Thanks so much...
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Thanks for your rapid and great response.  One of the things that scare me the most is that my metabolism doesnt work any more and continues holding to everything... I have been in the disorder for more than 10 years.... :( Will my body get back to normal?  What was your experience?  I had severe restrictions in the past and currently I have no menstruation...  
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Hi!
I have been recovering for a while (since 2003),  but I dont see the moment when I am totally free... I spend months eating 800 calories and then I go back to 600 and my body is like crazy.. I feel bloaded almost all the time and I get pretty scared with this feeling since I dont understand how eating so little can cause me to gain weight.  I really want to get rid of this but I dont see the way out.  What foods are the best for me at this point? I currently eat fruits, whole wheat bread, fat free cheese and turkey... And almost everyday I eat the same things... I get too scared when my size 1 or 0 pants get tighter while I am still sacrificing so much...  Why dont I keep losing weight, while eating so little? I am 5'2 and weigh 103 pounds.
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Hi Maria,

Thanksf or your question and I'm so sorry that you are scared and stuck in this frusterating limbo.  I truly understand and have been there and having said that, I promise you that there is a way out and you can get there.  

You say that you've been recovering since 2003 but are still somewhat stuck and I'm wondering if you have tried any outside form of help yet.  The reason that I ask is that oftentimes, there is only so far that we can come on our own and it can be tremendously helpful to get some outside support and assistance to get completely past this.  There are plenly of therapists, free support groups (try www.anad.org for this) as well as online options (http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/).  

It sounds to me like you have come a long way and should give yourself a huge pat on the back for all of the work and steps you have taken.  This is NOT easy to beat and I'm sure that its taken a lot of courage and strength to come this far.  That said, it sounds like you are still restricting pretty heavily.  Now, I totally understand that 800 cals probably feels like a lot after what you may have been eating before, however it is still considered a starvation diet by most nutritionists and is not enough fuel to run a healthy body.  Even strict diets advocate eating at least 1500 calories.  

It sounds to me like your body has probably gone into starvation mode and is holding onto whatever few calories you consume to stay alive.  Especially as your weight is still pretty low.  As counterintuitive as this may sound, I really believe that your best way out of all of this is to eat more-which I know you probably are going to be happy about.  But, if you want your body to get back to normal functioning and get your metabolism back in check, its really the only way.  Of course, after being sick for this long, its probably going to be increidibly difficult to do this on your own so if you have the means to consult with a nutritionist, that might be of help.

I don't mean to be sounding like this is easy and I truly hope that my answer thus far doesn't, as I have been where you are and I know how frusterating and how pulled in both directions (towards health and also back towards sickness) you are probably feeling.  The good news is that as your body gets healthier, the obsessive thoughts will slowly diminish and as you have more energy to put towards things that make you happy, the less you will even feel the need to obsess about this.  However, all of this is a journey.  And, sadly, it takes time.  I was thinking back on my own recovery and I think it took probably 6 or 7 years for me to really be back to *normal*-whatever that is.  This long time period to get over this doesn't seem to be published as often as I feel like it should be as a lot of treatment programs seem to indiciate that you will be cured in months and in my experience and the experiences of girls I've known...this just doesn't seem to be accuarate.

So, keep your head up, keep moving forward and know that recovery and YOU are worth it.  Understand that there are going to be hurdles and that is okay and even normal and reach out to your loved ones and professionals and use the guidence of these people to take the final steps back to health.  You CAN do it.

In terms of which foods to eat, I would really suggest adding more variety to your diet as well as eating some fat (I know, this probably sounds awful-but it really is a necessary ingredient to keep ones body healthy and it won't make you fat unless you eat it in excess).  Maybe try protein bars, peanut butter, low fat string cheese and make your goal to incorperate one or two new foods a week.  Also, as I said before, you are going to want to get your overall calorie intake higher (even if you do it gradually) so that your metabolism will start working properly again.

I hope this helped at least a bit and please feel free to write again if I can further clarify anything in this answer or help with anything else.

Take care!
Meg
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Hi Maria,

I hope this finds you having a nice day.  

Trust me, I really sympathize with what you're going through in terms of worrying that your body will never get back to normal.  I promise you that it can and it will, but (as I said before) it often takes a long time and can be somewhat tumultous as you take more little steps towards health.

I had my eating disorder for about the same amount of time that you have struggled with yours and so I understand how frusterating it can be to not see progress as quickly as you would like.  As I mentioned before, it takes years to fully recover from an ED and taking steps forward then sliding back and then moving forward again is totally normal and what most people experience.  

I, too, felt like my metabolism would never get back to normal and there was a short period when (once I had increased my calories) that I gained a little bit.  However, I promise you that once you do increase your calories and get your  body healthy again (and getting your period back eventually is a good indicator of that) then your metabolism will start working properly again.  The difficultly is the period of time when you have to basically make a blind leap of faith and start eating more healthfully again.  I totally understand that this is scary, not easy and I won't lie, uncomfortable at first.  I felt like there was a huge war going on inside my head between the part of me that had been sick and the part of me that *knew* I needed to move on or my life would amount to nothing more than repeating this cycle over and over again.  So, feeling conflicted is also not unusual and will probably be part of your experience as well as you continue to let go of this.  

As I mentioned, you really might want to try visiting a nutritionist or dietician (or if nothing else, doing a good bit of research yourself about what consitutes a healthy diet and then taking steps towards that).  In order to get your metabolism working and get your period back (again, I am sure you have ambivilence about that too), you need to eat a balanced diet that includes all of the food groups including fats and proteins.  

Finally, it is tough to get past that final hump of recovery and its helpful to have some type of support to do this (whether it be a therapist, support group-and ANAD has free ones, friend who is willing to listen, online message board, or whatever you feel comfortable with).  And, I also found it helpful to journal and find other, non food/ed ways to cope with the inevitable stresses that will come up.  For most of us, an eating disorder is a coping mechanism (albeit an unhealthy one) that functions to some degree in dealing with life/emotions/change/whatever else.  So, as you continue to move away from your ed, you will need to find new ways to deal with life and all of the emotions you will be experiencing.  Now, this (for me) was actually a kind of cool thing as when I got to that part of recovery, I felt like I was thawing from  being frozen and numb for a long time.  Yes, some times were difficult but there were also times when I felt like a little kid who is seeing things for the first time.  

Finally, as you continue to eat healthier and get away from your ED, I think its vastly important to get back in touch with the things that YOU want...What makes you happy?  What are your goals and dreams?  What hobbies excite you?  Do you like any sports?  Music?  Etc?  The hard part of recovery is letting go of the ed and dealing with the ensuing feelings but the really great part is that you are going to have a lot more time in your life for the other stuff that you've been to sick/tired to deal with the past 10 years.  So, put some time and energy into that stuff as well as that is one of the really great things about getting better.

Take care and I hope this helped.  Again, please write anytime!

Best,
Meg
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Hello Maria,

How are you doing?  Its nice to hear from you again and I hope this finds you having a good day.

Yes, this is definitely something that I went through (feeing SO much fatter when I started to think about recovering and taking little baby steps towards doing so) and I would absolutely say that it is in your mind.  Its kind of like your eating disorder is fighting and knows that it is being challenged (if even by your thinking about letting it go) so it is going to play even more tricks on your mind so that you won't let go of it.  As you already know, eating disorders can be so powerful and the challenge for you is going to be separating the eating disorder thoughts from the actual reality-and I know that the two can feel indistinguishable at times.  I guess my best advice on this is to rely on logic and always keep that in your head when you start to feel fat/like a pig/out of control/etc...Also, learn about basic nutrition.  As silly and simple as that sounds, I really had the experience that the more I was able to understand what food did for my body and see calories more as units of energy than some evil entity that was just there to make me fat...it really helped.

There is no way that you can be gaining on 800 calories and I hope that you (or at least a little part of you) knows this.  Keep working on increasing your calories so that your body can heal and your metabolism can get back on track and know that yes, its a scary leap of faith but its well worth taking.  

And, as far as clothes feeling tighter...that absolutely happened to me and it can happen without any weight gain (partially due to feelings tied to your eating disorder and also due to fluid balance changes which are more pronounced when you're still on a starvation diet).  Try not to base your feelings about your body and recovery on how your clothes are fitting for awhile as the unfortunate truth is that you probably will feel a bit uncomfortable for a little while while you *think* you're getting fat (and you won't be...but I know it certainly can feel that way), put away the clothes that already make you feel fat and wear your comfortable/fun stuff and know that you can and will make it through this uncomfortable period.

Take care, okay?  And again, write anytime and let me know how you're doing!

Best,
Meg
ANSWER: Hi Maria,

Thanks for your kind words and its been a pleasure talking with you.  It really sounds like you're on the right track and I have no doubt in my mind that you can recover and that there are many wonderful things waiting for you beyond this eating disorder.  Just keep your head up and know that there will be difficult days which will pass and it will get easier until one day, you are thining more about living and less about this stuff.  And then, it will all be worth it.

Take good care and feel free to write anytime.  Also, I probably gave you this link before but the Something's Fishy bulletin board was really helpful for me as I started to recover in terms of connecting with others who were going through the same thing and not feeling as crazy (which I sure did at times) when I was freaking out over things.  So, you  may want to visit it if you're finding you want more peer support.

http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/

I wish you all the best!

Meg

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QUESTION: Hi! I started doing some strengthning 10 minute rutines and My thighs got a bit bulky to the point that some jeans are tighter.  Is this possible even if I am not eating more than 700 cals a day?  Is this normal?

Answer
Hey Maria,

How are you doing?  To answer your question:

QUESTION: Hi! I started doing some strengthning 10 minute rutines and My thighs got a bit bulky to the point that some jeans are tighter.  Is this possible even if I am not eating more than 700 cals a day?  Is this normal?

No, its not possible really (even if your metabolism is very messed up) and the most likely cause of this is that your own self perception is WAY off still.  This is unfortunately very common for people who are working on recovery (and sometimes, even for awhile after all of the eating disordered behaviors have stopped).  

It sounds like you are still eating too few calories which is also probably adding to your misperception.  

Trust me, I had times when I felt the same way and in retrospect, I think that a lot of it was in my head/perception and some can be the usual water weight (based on salt intake or hormones) and even a pair of jeans being tighter after you wash them.

But, the key here is still feeling so upset about the possibilty of your jeans being tighter.  This is one of the reasons that it is so worth it to work towards recovery.  Not only is it nearly impossible to feel good about your body while you are actively engaging in your ED but it also is not healthy or happy to be stuck in obsessive eating disordered thinking.  Again, I know how it feels and I'm so sorry that you're going through this but I hope this can spurn you ahead in getting help or else taking a proactive stance in fighting your ed.  Quite simply, you deserve to be happy and free of this.

I wish you the best and please write anytime.

Take care, okay?
Meg