AboutMeg Expertise I am recovinging from about nine years with my eating disorder and while I am not a psychologist, I`ve accumulated a good deal of knowlege about eating disorders as well as my own experience over this time. I`ve mainly struggled with anorexia, but have definitely had times where I have engaged in bulimic behaviors as well. I also struggle with over exercising, but am about to be certified as a personal trainer and have learned moderation as well as how to treat my body well so it can perform at it`s best. I promise to give an honest answer to anything asked, and I want to say that while it is a long, scary road---it is possible to get free of this and it is so important to keep on taking little steps and knowing that you are not alone.
Experience Sufferer for nine plus years. Also, my Mom has strugged with this issue- as have others in her side of the family.
I am 21 and have been struggling with severe anorexia and over exercising for a little over 2 years now. My eating disorder is a result of two separate attempted rapes that occurred my Freshman year of college. I have been in therapy and have seen a dietician for over a year but recently, I feel like neither are helping. I can't stop weighing food, getting on the scale, and as much as I try to control my exercise, the time I spend at the gym increases. My thoughts are consumed with keeping active. I also have a history of anxiety and OCD. I have not had a social life for over a year now because going out as a normal 21 year old produces so much anxiety that I just choose to avoid it at all costs!
Though I never believed I had issues with body image because I do see an extremely thin and sickly looking girl staring back in the mirror, I recently bought myself a self help book on body image. I feel like I already know everything this book, my dietician, and my therapist tell me yet I cannot make the connection between what I know is good for me and actually doing it. I feel like this is really my last hope. I know all that I need to get better I just need to bridge this gap. Do you have any advise? I've been struggling for way too long..
Answer Hi Sandi,
I'm so sorry that you've been through so much and are struggling right now. I hope that I can be of some help and know that you can get through this. You sound like a really strong person and while I know that the struggling can feel like its endless, there will be a time when this is in the past for you. Its just a matter of hanging in there and continuing to work on things, even if it feels like you're not getting anywhere.
Its good that you are working with a therapist and dietician, as both of these people can hopefully provide some support and insight for you. I'm sorry that you're feeling stuck with them right now, though. That must be frustrating. Are you able to bring that up with your therapist? Sometimes, such conversations can actually be quite helpful in terms of moving forward (even if they're not particularly fun).
Also, I've known people who are struggling with anxiety and OCD and decided to take medication and felt it helped. So, if that is something you are considering, you might want to talk with your therapist about this.
Its a positive thing that you're aware that your behaviors are increasing and that is the first step in turning things around. As far as the weighing (both yourself and food), one thing to perhaps consider is to get rid of (or else get a friend or family member to hide) your scales. I know that the idea of this can be really scary, as with anorexia it is easy to be pretty darn tethered to ones scale. However, it is a lot easier to begin letting go of some of the thoughts and behaviors that keep your eating disorder going once you aren't spending all of that time measuring. So, if you think you can do it (and I think you can!) then perhaps think of having a few scale free weeks and see if that helps.
As far as the exercise, again its a positive that you see what is happening. I'm wondering if you are using the exercise to deal with some of your anxiety? That is actually one of the benefits of exercising, however as you know it is possible to go too far and cross the line from healthy, stress relieving exercise to over-exercising. If you feel like you are exercising in order to deal with your feelings about other things (control, the rapes, college-or else finishing college, which can be a huge stressor for many people) then it might be time to find some alternate coping mechanisms.
Do you think it would help you to plan your gym visits or workouts in advance? This might allow you to *know* that you're getting a workout, but also put some healthy limits on it so that you are doing a more moderate amount. Also, sometimes planning can help reduce anxiety and help situations feel a little more in control. Another thing that works is planning something directly after your gym visit, so that you won't be tempted to stay for too long a time. I know that both of these ideas probably seem a bit elementary, but they really are easy things that might help and have been helpful to me and others I know.
I can really relate to your reading the self help books and cognitively "knowing" everything there but not being able to fully integrate that knowledge and turn it into action. This is really a common problem (especially for those of us who are intelligent and do our research), but a kind of good one to have. I know that I found that although I rarely encountered any new information, reading and hearing the same things over and over again eventually did begin to shift my thinking. And, the more you are able to understand your own mind, the more you will be able to dismantle some of the lies that lead to engaging in your eating disorder and take more positive steps towards being free of this.
Have you tried a support group? I know that this might be tough, if your social anxiety steps in however support groups are great in that many people attending are going through the same things you are. I know that ANAD offers free support groups in a lot of areas, so that might be worth checking out:
Your therapist might also have some ideas about this. Additionally, there is a good online support community at the Something's Fishy website. While this might not immediately help, in terms of getting out more, there will definitely be others who are at the same place as you and it can be motivating to be talking with others who are also working on taking positive steps forward. Here is that address: http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/
In terms of moving past the social anxiety, I don't have direct experience with this but would think that perhaps trying to venture out with a closer friend or someone whom you trust and can count on to back you up or be okay with leaving if you are feeling overwhelmed might help. I wish I had more ideas for you about this, but I would say (just as with the eating disorder) that probably taking baby steps and being gentle with yourself while you do so is the best plan.
As far as "bridging the gap" between what you know and what you actually do, this is something that often takes people awhile. You are on the right path by reading and educating yourself as much as possible. Sometimes, when I was recovering, it was helpful to try to step outside my situation and look at it as if someone I cared about (for instance, my younger cousin) was doing the things that I did to myself. While it was easy for me at the time to think it was okay that I did them to myself, the thought of her engaging in the behaviors, thinking, beating herself up, etc made me incredibly sad. This exercise can be a good reminder and help in terms of regaining perspective.
Finally, you have to look at the consequences of having an eating disorder and remind yourself just how unhealthy it truly is. http://www.something-fishy.org/dangers/dangers.php
Engaging in an eating disorder is kind of a slow suicide, although it certainly can begin to feel "normal" after awhile. However, there is a life beyond all of this and its one that you deserve and can get to. Hopefully, if you can really look at yourself and your life, you can see (even a little part of you) that you are a good person and you don't deserve this AT ALL. While its true that recovery takes awhile and is not easy, it is so much more worth it than staying with your eating disorder.
Everyday, you have the chance to try to make the day a good, healthy one in which you nurture your body and spirit rather than deplete it. Even if it takes lots of little tiny changes and baby steps, over a long period of time, what truly matters is that you TRY every day. Not all days will go smoothly, and the other important aspect is that you are really kind and gentle with yourself and know that your trying (truly trying) is enough and will get you there eventually. And its true, it really does work as long as you keep on going, keep your eyes open and continue to be as aware as possible about your thoughts, feelings and behaviors and try to make even little changes. After awhile, the little changes accumulate and end up making bigger changes and finally one day, you realize that you have gotten rather far from your eating disorder and its more a part of your past than your present. Make sense?
I really wish you all the best and hope this helps at least a little. You are strong and deserve to be happy and healthy and you CAN get there.
Please feel free to write if there is ever anything else I can help with, or even just to check in.
