Expert: Meg - 7/8/2006

Question
Dear Meg.
I wrote to you a while back about my journey back from anorexia/bulimia. It is absolute hell.
Some of my problems with have seamed to gotten better, digestion and i suffer less from constipation. However I feel and look huge, like the body is swollen all over and puffy. I eat according to a dieticians advise and stay well away from refinde carbs and suger as I have noticed that this makes me swell even more. Please advise me on what can help to rid the body of all the water. According to my dietrician (expert on ED) the weight that came so quickly after stopping being ED is waterretention mostly.
Wht is there to do? How did you handle it? I feel like such a failure that let myself go and becoe this horribel blobb. I just want to be slim and normal again, is that ever possibel or will i be this hidious for ever. I know that what I eat woudl make anybody normal loose weight so why dont I? It is so terribel and scary to meat old friends that I have stopped doing that altogehter.
Thye look at me and probably think that I sit at home and eat cake all day long. Which is so totally the opposite. I can not stand this much longer. It is summer and really hot here and i refuce to  go out and would rather die thatn go to hte beach. Surely there must be something i can do to speed up the process of loosing all the weight faster than now.
How long time will it take? My dietrician also advised me against exercise as that aggrevates swelloing (which is true as i have tried that ) so what is there to do?
Life is meaningless at the moment, I have noting to wear, all my nice old clothes just hangs there in the closet and laughs at me. Will i ever be abel to use them again. I am rally tall 183 cm and used to be a 38 now I belive I am a 42-44 or so. But it is not just that my body is really ugly, it does not look like normal fat that other people get it is this wierd looking bloated look and my stomach is like a ballon and puffy. I mean other people that gain weight do that i a different way i look awful. Do you think liposuction woudl help?
Please help me I feel all alone and terribel. I can not stand it any more.
With regards
Åsa  

Answer
Hi Asa,

It's good to hear from you again and although you're having a bit of a hard time right now, it sounds like you're on the right track.  

Yes, recovery can take a long time and at times it is not easy.  Re-adjusting to eating and letting your body get used to digesting and metabolizing food can be frusterating and difficult to deal with.  I really do understand-and although this is probably not the advice you wish I could give you, the best thing to do is to stick this out.  Keep doing what you're doing, follow your food plan, work with your dietician, perhaps try a therapist or support group (if you're not yet doing that), and try to focus on the other non food/weight/ed stuff in your life.  Your dietician is correct that a lot of the weight gain is water weight-and the rest is essential weight that your  body needs to function properly.  

Because its usually difficult to deal with the emotions that come with gaining back one's weight- most people find talking with a therapist really helpful at the point your at. This is something that was a great help to me and might be good for you as well.  Since your nutritionist is a ED specialist, she might have some recommendations for you.

As far as feeling alone, I can assure you that many people who are recovering go through similar feelings so you really are not alone in any of this.  I mentioned support  groups earlier and they can be good in helping find others who are in the same place you are.  There is also a great online community that is very recovery orientated and helpful in not feeling so lonely.  Here is its address:

http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/

I am so sorry that you are feeling so badly about your weight right now that you feel you need liposuction.  I hope that you are feeling a lot better soon-and want to remind you about one of the major aspects of an eating disorder (and early recovery) and that is body image distortion.  I can guarantee you that what you are seeing is a lot worse than what anyone else seeing you is seeing.  I, too, felt like I didn't want to see friends for awhile and thought that they would deem me "fat" as I recovered.  Honestly, I can tell you that the opposite reaction occurred.  Many people who had been worried for me were so relieved as I was looking healthier and my guess is the same thing will happen for you as you are able to get out and see friends and people who care about you.  Plus, keep in mind that most people in the world are not nearly as obsessed about weight and bodies as we (who have had eds) are.  So, the first thing that will probably cross their minds is that they are just happy to finally see you again :)

Finally, about feeling like a failure, I want to assure you that you're not.  I totally understand how it may seem that way as in a way, you are failing at killing yourself with an eating disorder.  However, I have also come to see that by getting sicker with an ED and not recovering, you are failing at LIVING.  Personally, I think in the long run, a goal of living and creating the life you like is a much better one than trying to chase the dangling carrot an ED puts in front of you.  Be proud of yourself...you are taking steps to get your health and life back and I promise you that if you can stick this out, there will be so many positive things in your future.  

Please keep in touch and feel free to write again if there is anything else that I can help with.

Best,
Meg