Expert: Reverend Abbott - 4/3/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi, my name is Kate and I'm 18 years old.  I've recently had to drop to part
time status at my University b/c I was so overwhelmingly depressed and i
have NEVER been like this.  My whole life I have kind of been used to being,
well, the center of attention b/c I am very involved in performing: singing,
acting, etc.  Suddenly all that went away and I kind of freaked out!  However, I
finally realized also that I think my eating habits may be causing or a product
of the depression which I finally told my parents....I'm going to a program to
help me but I don't really understand what my problem is....

I am 5'7 and 105 pounds.  I know I'm thin....but I honestly don't see myself as
this "emaciated" person that my parents (yet not friends) make me out to be.  
It's like I am constantly questioning my own weight...there are periods where I
will diet (under 1000 calories a day) but I don't think that's anorexic?? Or is it?   
I could NEVER go without completely eating and I eat healthy and unhealthy
fats yet I always feel like I should be under my daily limit.  I know there's a
problem b/c I don't have a healthy/normal relationship w/ food.....but i wish I
could have an explanation.  I don't starve or am I by not eating enough?  And
am I really too thin?  I am really happy with how I look.....it's scary to think of
weighing 120 where they want me to be...Please let me know.  Thank you.
ANSWER: Hi Kate, it sounds like you're pretty well informed and I think you just want some help in putting things in 'order' - nice and neat and efficient. Chances are you like to live that way at home too right?

When the attention was taken from you, rather than given up, you lost 'control' - and having an eating disorder (which you know you do) - is a way to have some control back.  
 You're focusing all this attention on food and calories, fats and weight - rather than looking yourself square in the eye and dealing with what's inside.
 You're also not afraid of weighing 120 as much as you're afraid of losing control. Family being concerned is a positive feedback to you (any attention is good attention). I know that when I stopped hearing 'you could use to gain a few lbs' - I panicked!  If I wasn't known for this e.d. or how thin, or sickly or whatever - then WHO was I?

 You lost the attention of a popular youth and thought that was who you were.  Now you're this calorie counter, weight monitoring, person who suffers depression and lack of confidence.  
 You know what the problem is, but don't want to say it. If you speak it's name, you may lose it and as odd as it seems, 'the devil we know is better than the devil we don't'
   
  I've got a page (it's all mine and it's all free) you might be interested in  (cut and paste into your address bar)  www.GetTheReal.info

  You can write to me from there or through here - let me know.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Wow, you seem to get it completely!  I've been told that-it's like I am aware of the problem...I didn't mention it but I even binge sometimes b/c I lose control-it's like I'm caught between losing and gaining weight but then I panic b/c you're right, in a sick way I realized that when I am thin and well, sick, my parents and people notice which i know is so horrible but I feel like I'm getting care and attention and standing out by being the thinnest.  When I told my counselor that I binge she didn't believe me! It was very hurtful b/c she assumes I'm an anorexic that thinks a binge is a normal meal...but I KNOW I overeat at least a couple times a week where I kind of race and can't stop...honestly, I don't think gaining weight  would bother me so much if it wasn't in an unhealthy way by binging b/c it makes my stomach hurt so much and then I don't want to do things w/ friends....OR its opposite-the day is good or bad (a typical problem w/ someone w/ an eating disorder).  I am so sorry I'm rambling I'm just very impressed w/ this site...but I guess I still don't udnerstand what kind of eating disorder I have?  I don't think I'm fat, yet I diet and binge on a yo-yo basis (both not too extreme)...I admit I would be anorexic if I had the will power...but I don't.  So...what do I have? Also...if youdon't mind me asking...how old were you when you had your eating disorder and how did you overcome it? Does it ever fully go away? I swear I had a month or two where I was just like "i'm gonna stop and get healthY!" and i did! But...the thoughts always come back...

Answer
It's very possible to have multiple ed's at the same time. I was anorexic and bulimic x 2 (spitting & exercise). Anorexia isn't necessarily "no" eating, but very limited eating. Often we obsess about the time of day or night we eat; the color of the foods or the texture.
 I was 12 when I went on my first "diet" and fully anorexic at 15/16.  With some of us there are recovery periods that can last for years, but get triggered by seemingly innocent events (dating a new person, not dating a regular person, moving, new job, or sometimes things we can't even pinpoint).
 Your binges may not seem like that to people who never suffered this or these particular ed's.  

Here is where I get very unpopular with other counselors: I do not generally believe a counselor should be dealing eating disorders if they've never actually HAD one themselves.  There are some exceptions and some victims don't mind that the person telling them what they should be doing speaks from absolutely no experience, but one doesn't go to Alcoholics Anonymous to be lectured by someone who wasn't also an alcoholic (not that there's any connection to eating disorders, but it makes a point).

I don't care how many books, classes, movies or cases a counselor is experienced with - like a male doctor may deliver 1,000 babies, he will NEVER know what it's like to be pregnant.  

That said - perhaps you can find someone who more fits your needs?  There ARE counselors who are also recovering sufferers.

 Does it ever fully go away? I don't think so. It may seem like it does, but somewhere inside, on some level, we are always hearing the echo of it. I've been obese at points in-between (which is just a different manifestation of an eating disorder) and though I'm now perfectly normal - as normal can be - I don't think I've ever stopped thinking about calories/fat/amounts/weight/size.  It's just that I quickly push them aside and re-focus on something that really matters (I run an animal rescue and care org.).  
 I believe that once we get out of 'ourselves', we can get out of the self-destruction.

One exercise I recommned highly is to write your obituary as it would read if posted tomorrow.
 Be honest about it.

Then write your obituary the way you WANT it to read (whenever).

The latter is your blueprint for life. Start living it immediately (not tomorrow, not next week and not "monday" or the 1st of the month).
 You see?