Expert: Meg - 5/13/2005

Question
I think my 22 year old son has a eating disorder.He weighs 135# and is close to 6 foot tall. He will be seeing a counselor this month, but how can I help him? I really don't understand it. I know I am extremely worried about him.

Answer
Hi Terri-

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this with your son.  I know, having spoken with my parents since I've recovered that it broke their hearts to have to watch me self destruct so I really feel for you.  

Its great that he will be seeing a counselor soon and that hopefully will begin his journey back to health.  It can be a long one, but every step is important and especially taking the first one is a huge deal-and it sounds like you/he are already getting that started.  So, be glad that he's even open to working on things-and I wish him, you and your family lots of strength as he continues to work on this.

I know that eating disorders are really difficult for someone who isn't suffering to understand.  I mean, from my perspective, its very similar to any other type of self destructive behavior (ie: drinking, drugs, other addictions) so if you have any experience or information about any of these, you most likely have at least a little understanding about some of what he is going through.

In general, I think usually people engage in these behaviors as a method to cope with feelings/situations that are too difficult or that they don't know how to cope with otherwise.  Often this stuff starts at the point of a life transition (breakup, parents divorce, move, etc).  I'm wondering if, at 22, perhaps your son has just graduated from college and is in that precarious transition from child to adult.

In any case, I hate to generalize and think that the best idea is to talk directly and as openly as possible with him.  I know that for me, I would get SO upset when people would make generalizations about me or what I was going through.  Its true that a lot of what you can read about eating disorders/addictions will probably be somewhat applicable but the most important thing you can do is really listen to your son and let him know that you love him and want to support him-and will do your best to listen without judgement.  And, of course, I know this is difficult as a parent because you probably feel somewhat responsible for him-and want to help him.  And, it is hard to watch someone you love suffer and self destruct.  But, communication I found was so helpful and comforting.

I'm going to point you towards a few websites that I found helpful on my recovery journey.  One of them (the Something's Fishy Website) also has a support forum specifically geared towards parents and loved ones and is definitely worth checking out.
http://something-fishy.org
http://caringonline.com
http://www.anred.com/males.html

I'm sorry that my answer isn't more specific and invite you to write again if there is anything else that I can help you with.  And, I wish your son (and you) lots of courage to deal with this.  It sounds like he is taking the first step and I can tell that you're a wonderful, caring Mom.

Good luck and please let me know if there is anything else I can do.

Take care,
Meg