Expert: Susan Downes - 7/23/2007

Question
Hi.  I am 21 years old.  I have been struggling with Anorexia Nervosa for 9 years. I have been clinicly depressed since childhood and have seen many therapists, pyschiatrists, etc.  However, I am an "animated" person who is a Hospitality major at Ole Miss! I absolutely Love people.  However, my deep secret is that I have been suffering with this for so long.  In high school, I began walking mile after mile after and eating very limited amounts of food bc I couldn't make anyone else happy and at 5'6, 130 lbs was Not acceptable.  Therefore, to lose a few a pounds would be perfect.  By my freshman year of college I was walking 10 miles a day 6 days a week and or working out in the gym until I would throw up or black out...This led to a whopping 98 lbs.  And by the summer of 2005, I was 86 lbs.  Little did I know but by the following summer I would have not had my period in 13 months.  So here I am with 1 year left until I graduate College.  I am going into my senior year at 100 lbs.  I work at a restaurant and do not exercise as much I would like.  I love my friends, my chosen family, but how do I stop denying myself acceptance and quit beating myself up on the inside bc If I could I could an even better friend???  I'm not Perfect but I need to be here for my loved ones.  So how can I learn to ignore Eddie Mae?  <that's my e.d.> And be as kind to myself as I am to others?

Answer
Hi Anna, You and I have a lot to talk about. It is three AM and I worked all day and have been responding to the list all night. I am sorry that I did not find your question earlier so I could spend more time with you. I will be brief now, but we must talk extensively for awhile, okay? What happened when you were a teen that caused this need to be perfect to begin? Usually when we have an eating disorder (of any kind), it is a way for us to try to gain control of a life we feel is out of control. Think about this awhile and answer me back as honestly as you can. You are working hard to please everyone else, and know at the same time you are denying yourself the love you need and the acceptance of self you so deserve. You cannot be there for your loved ones if you continue down this path, you won't be strong enough and you know that deep in your heart. When I was down to 90 lbs at 5'5", I was hospitalized because my heart was failing. That landed me inpatient in an eating disorder clinic. I was left with a damaged heart, which I will live with forever. But thank God, it got me the help I needed. Tonight I need you to take some time to put Anna in my arms and let me hold you. Cry, scream, do whatever it takes for you to find a way to tell me what when so wrong when you were young that made you feel your life was so out of control. Can you do that for me? Can you do that for yourself? If you can, we will pick up again tomorrow, and I will help you learn to love Anna the way she deserves to be loved. Okay? I am going to put in a prayer for you now and go off to bed and we will pick up again tomorrow. I am expecting you to send me a follow up post with an answer to that question. We will get you through this together. You can count on it. Thanks. Warm Regards, Susan