Expert: Autumn - 10/11/2006

Question
Autumn,

You don't know how much hope you have given me in just these two responses. It feels good to finally pour my heart out to someone. I am sad to say, this will not be a short recovery. I tried very hard last night to keep my dinner in, and I just couldn't I have been keeping my breakfast/lunch in. I usally have a bagel with lowfat cream cheese, and a few wheat thins in the morning and a healthy choice pizza for lunch. I fight my hardest to at least keep these two meals down. Is this a good diet? What should I have during the morning/afternoon if not, that will not make me gain weight. I am so afraid of gaining! I don't want to be unhealthy. I want to recover so that I can be ready for another baby... and take care of the beautiful family I have now. I have been having some significant back problems lately. I know this disease is eating me alive. How can I stop? I used to look at other people that had this problem before I started and thought... I could NEVER do that, why can't they just stop? It's not that big of a deal. They don't really have a disease, they just want attention. Boy was I wrong. It is a disease, and I have fallen in. This is sick, but when I see all of the food come out of me, I feel so good, so i ncontrol. So RELIEVED... You have been my only light. HOw can I keep a consistant weight without purging?
Things I like about myself: Physically
First, being able to wear a size 7. But long to wear a size 5! That's all I want....
I am a very attractive girl. Tall, blond, slender(in most areas)
I had great hair and skin at one point, but see the changes... Really see them. It scares me, but it's almost as though I will settle for these changes just so I can be thin!
Mentally: The love I have for my family
The attitude that my family and the surroundment of love is my wealth, rather than money or material things being my wealth. The long to make others happy, and to convince them what happiness really is. And the fact that when things go wrong in life. There is always a bright side. There are always people less fortunate than you, and you should be thankful for what you have, and willing to help others that do not have as much!
I don't know if I can quit Autumn. I'm just being honest. Mabye I can tone it down. Should I see a couseler?

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Followup To

Question -
Hello,
and thank you so much for your warmth resonse. I will be thirty years old in December and have an amazing husband(that does not know, but may be safe to assume he has a small idea). I also have a 7 year old boy, and he is an angel. I have longed for a baby for many years now. I became bulemic by just purging if I had a big meal, or a fattening meal. Then it just became 2nd nature. I thought, if I can throw up big meals, I can pretty much still eat anything, and just purge it. I am sadly very upset about being 140lb. I know that is under weight for being 6'0" in the back of my head, but love being able to wear the clothes I can, and set my goal at 130...  I know, sick! But I always tell myself, if I could just get there I could stop. Or, sickly, if I become pregnant, I could stop. I check my weight constantly, and find myself very upset if I gained a pound. I have been pretty down b/c I had got to 137, and now back to 140lb. I think this is because I have missed a few times purging. That just proves to me how important it is to get the food up. The physical changes: Acne(which  Ihave NEVER had)-these are small bumps, not red in color(almost like sweat bumps on my face and back. Bruising: I could brush up against something, and form an enormous bruise as if I were beaten. My nails are very brittle and pealing. My abdomen, and ovarian area are very sore, and painful. My chest hurts. And I can't kneel down and pick up weeds without holding onto something when I get back up for fear of passing out. and my periods are very irregular- went weren't before. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for the past 1 1/2 and no sucess. I hate myself for not being able to give us this gift because of this rotting disease I don't know if I can kick. Mentally: Irritated, sad, compulsive about my weight.
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Followup To

Question -
I have not admitted this to anyone, but am now getting pretty scared. I have suffered from bullemia for about 2yrs now, and am now starting to see the physical and mental effects it is having on my body, and mind. I had some control at first, but it now controls me. I try to keep some food down, but usualy end up throwing it up because I am petrified I will gain weight. I am 6'0" at 140, and need to be 130. I want to get pregnant but cannot. My periods are very irregular. I have pains near my ovaries, and stomach. Bruising all over my body. Have I done irreversable damage. I want a baby so badly.

Answer -
Hello Christi,
First off I'd like to say I'm so sorry you've had to suffer through this. Bulimia is a very hard illness to overcome, and I hope the best for you. It's also a hard disease to admit that you have, so it's often hidden by many people. I hid and suffered with bulimia for about three years. The physical and mental effects were devestating for me, so I know what you must be going through right now. I also am dealing with irregular periods and at one time was told I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. So I urge you to take my advice now so that you don't do as much damage as I did. I'm not saying that in your case you won't be able to, but I am saying that these diseases are well known to cause infertility, so I URGE you to go the doctor ASAP. I certainly want to help you, but I'm going to need a bit more information. You say you've seen the effects both of physical and mental nature, right? Please tell me what you've experienced. And also, I'm assuming you have a long term boyfriend or husband? And I'm assuming you're able to support a child, and you are old enough? Please tell me more about you and why you want to have a baby. It's important that the reason you want to have a baby is the RIGHT reason. Bringing a child into this world requires a lot more than just wanting it, and I'm sure you know about the responsibilities a mom has, but I just want to make sure you realize how big a leap it is. Now assuming you want a baby for the right reasons, and you're in the right situation, let's continue.
You say that you're 6'0 and 140 lbs, do you realize you're already underweight? You don't need to be 130 lbs Christi. Your disease wants you to be 130 lbs. Don't listen to Bulimia. Listen to your heart. Listen to the girl inside you that wants nothing more than to end this miserable experience. Listen to the girl inside you that wants to take control, and be healthy. This is the girl that has so many wonderful possibilites ahead of her. This is the girl that wants to be a mom. Not the girl suffering from bulimia. The girl inside the girl suffering from bulimia. Listen to your heart and your dreams Christi, not your disease.
I completely understand what you mean when you say that it controls you. Sadly that's what happens when our diseases overtake our minds. I wish I could say it's easy and that there aren't going to be consequences, but sadly our bodies and minds will never be the same unless we make our minds up that we are going to overcome this disease. Every time you throw up you are stripping your body of nutrients and vitamins that it MUST have to be healthy. And if you want to get pregnant, you certainly don't want your baby to suffer from your disease too...in other words if you are not healthy, there is no way your baby can be healthy. So please take my advice. There IS hope for you, no matter how bad you've let this disease destroy you. Just because these two years of your life have been a difficult time, does not mean that it's over. You have your entire life ahead of you, and it will be beautiful once you decide to get better! So here are some steps I advise you to take:
1. Confess your illness to someone close to you that you can trust. It will be much easier to overcome if you have someone to lean on, someone to encourage you and be with you every step of the way. Let them know you would like them to accompany you on doctor's visits too.
2. Make up your mind that you ARE going to win. This disease is not going to conquer you, you are going to conquer this disease. YOU CAN make it through this. Do this most importantly for YOURSELF, but also for that future child you have in mind.
3. The most important step of all: Go to the doctor. Come clean with him/her. I KNOW it's going to be hard but they are the most important people in this process. Doctors will help you with it all. They will help you recover so that you can be healthy and happy again, and be able to be healthy enough to get pregnant. Please pick up the phone and make an appointment. It is the most important thing and the best thing you can do for yourself and your future baby!
4. Put the idea of getting pregnant aside until you get healthy. I know you yearn for a child, but you must understand that your health has got to come before a baby is brought into your world. You have to get healthy in order to have a healthy baby, and until you recover you wouldn't want to put your baby at risk when you're so unhealthy. Make your mind up that you are going to end your bulimia for your future baby and most importantly for you.
5. Get busy! Instead of focusing your mind on how "fat" you are or how badly you want to purge, do something that will make you happy. What makes you happy Christi? How about take the time you now spend thinking about your body and throwing up and instead buy a baby name book and dream up what you'll name your baby when you're healthy, how you'll do your nursery, what you want your future to hold. Think about how happy you're going to be once you take this big leap of getting recovered. Think positive. Don't let negative thoughts control you. The more positive thoughts you fill into your head, the more wonderful and easy it is going to be once you recover. I promise you that.
6. Research! Learn about recovery. There are lot's of wonderful books and websites out there that can help aide in your recovery too. Now keep in mind the most important thing to do is see a general doctor/nutritionist/counselor/gynecologist (You've got to tell them all what you've been experiencing), but helping yourself recover is a big part of it too.

Here are some really great links I beg you to check out. Set aside a time of day to look through these. They will help you.

My personal favorite:

http://www.somethingfishy.org/

Many great links if you scroll down:

http://www.angelfire.com/oh3/anorexia/

Watch all of her "anorexia" videos, from the bottom (introduction) up, then continue to page 1 and watch from the bottom up as well, they will definately help you:

http://www.youtube.com/profile_videos?user=eniwekwe&page=2

Also, some good books to check out or buy if you can, are:
1.Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery (By Lindsey Hall)
2.Overcoming Bulimia: Your Comprehensive, Step-By-Step Guide to Recovery (By Randi E., Ph.D. McCabe)
3.The Body Image Workbook: An 8-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks (By Thomas F. Cash, Ph.D.)
4.Eating Disorders: The Journey to Recovery Workbook (By Laura J. Goodman)
5. Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too (By  Jenni Schaefer)
6.Feeling Good about the Way You Look: A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems(By Sabine Wilhelm)

All of them are GREAT and I hope you'll read them.

I know it's a tough journey but you will get through this Christi. I'm so proud of you for taking the first big step by emailing me. It takes a lot of strength to do so. Good job! The most important things you must do are going to be the hardest, but I assure you it's worth it. I believe in you. The world believes in you. There is Hope. There is a light at the end of this dark journey. I promise you that.

Answer -
Hi again!
You are more than welcome. I'm happy to hear you have an amazing husband, and a wonderful child already. You must love them a lot, so keep in mind that every time you purge, whether they know about it or not, it's hurting them. Your son is so young and has his entire life ahead of him, and I know you want to be there for him every step of the way. If you continue this, you could easily end up with osteoporosis at such a young age. That would be so upsetting for your dear son and husband, as well as you. So Christi, when you start to purge, as morbid as this sounds, picture your husband and son walking beside you, as you walk in a walker. Picture your husband and son crying over your grave. You certainly wouldn't want to do this to them would you? I know that seems like a horrible thought but I guarantee if you love your husband and son as much as it sounds like you do, you would never want them to go through that, so it will help you to quit purging. You want to see your baby boy grow up and graduate. You want to see your baby boy get married. You don't want to see your baby boy with tears in his eyes when he sees how sick you've become. As far as eating habits goes, when you see a nutritionist they'll probably put you on a refeeding diet, that usually consists of high fiber/protein foods. The best thing you can do is to start eating many very small meals(snacks, basically) throughout the day. Ones that DO NOT make you feel full. Because when you get that "full" feeling in your stomach, your bulimia automatically kicks in, because it's become so accustom to it, and it tells you to purge. So start eating small, light meals a day, that are low fat and high fiber/protein. You may want to try a vegetarian diet. Make sure you eat lots of fruit and veggies, but plenty of grains,tofu and "good" carbs too. I can give you a few daily meal plans if you'd like me too, but keep in mind I'm no expert so it's really urgent that you see a nutritionist as soon as you can. Christi, I know you're upset about being 140 lbs, but please remember that it's really not your fault you feel this way. See, when we develop eating disorders, we also usually develop another disorder, called Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which I definately believe you have. When you look in the mirror, though it's hard to believe, you really DO NOT see what other people see. That's why you feel fat. Because your mind is tricking you. It's as if you are looking through a fun house mirror. There's a great book called The BDD Workbook. I think it'd do you very well to check it out. You say you would like to become pregnant because you feel it would motivate you to stop, and that is completely understandable, but you must realize that you don't want to put your baby at risk. You've got to recover before you bring another child in this world. Being a parent that you already are, I know you know that it takes a lot of energy, a healthy body, and a healthy mind to raise a child. At this time you do not have these things as much as you should, and it's vital that you do. Right now, judging by the physical changes you've experienced since Bulimia, it sounds like you have a strong case of malnutrition. Read what you said. Acne. Bruising. Brittle nails. Irregular periods. Soreness. Pain. Depression. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life Christi? Or does health, vitality, happiness, youthful skin, and a strong heart, mind, and body sound better? I bet you'd choose happiness and health over pain and sorrow. And you can have it. I know it's difficult to believe in yourself, but Christi, you've made it this far, and you are a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman. You can overcome this. Now, I know it's going to be extremely difficult for you, but like my first response said, your first, most important step is to tell someone. I think the best choice would be your husband. You don't have to do this tonight, and you don't have to do this tomorrow night, but do it soon. Make up your mind to sit him down when you two are alone and let him know. Tell him you want to get better and you want him to come with you to the doctor's office. If there's anyone else you feel you could trust, tell them as well. They will help you a lot. Now I'm sure the idea of breaking the news of your bulimia is a scary thought, but it's the most important thing you can do. Don't be afraid. If you like, I can help you figure out what you'd like to say and how you'll say it. I can be with you every step of the way. So take the time to visit the links I sent you, perhaps check out the books (highly recommended), and when you are ready to tell your husband, let me know what you plan to say and I'll help you out. Once it's said I can continue coaching you and helping you through the entire process, until everything is said and done, and you're finally the healthy, happy woman you were born to be! So to sum it all up, heres your "homework"!
- Make a list of the things you like about yourself. (And share it with me if you'd like, it'd enable me to help you a bit more)
- Make a list of everything you want to do with your life. All your hopes and dreams. Carry that list around with you, and whenever you feel the urge to purge, read the list. And visualize. Realize that every time you throw your food up, your flushing your future down the toilet. When you recover, all you'll have to do is wait for those dreams to come true!
- Make up your mind to tell your husband or another trusted person in your life. Like I already said, I can certainly help you figure out what and how to say what you need to say, if you need me to.
- Starting ASAP, stop eating those big, high calorie meals you talk about. Start making a daily menu of small, low fat, nutritious meals (I can help you with this) and stick to it. This is obviously probably going to the hardest, since you're so used to the binge/purge habit, but I promise you YOU CAN DO IT. You can. And you will.
- Smile! Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You're on your way to health and happiness again. Be proud of yourself Christi! You're going to win this battle! I promise!


Answer
Christi, I hope you are doing okay. Contact me if you need to. You have been in my thoughts.