Expert: Meg - 4/23/2006

Question
The last time I asked you a question was a couple weeks ago. I told you that my nutritionist set me up with a plan of 1800 calories and a workout plan of no more than 4-5 times a week. Well, after two weeks on that plan, I lost 1.5 lbs. I was devastated. Since then, we increased my intake to 2300 calories a day and no more than 4 days of exercise a week. I am having trouble with the ambiguity again. After a week on the plan, I gained back the 1.5 lbs. How long will the weight gain continue at this rate? I do not want to stop meeting my goals - I made a promise to myself and I plan on keeping that promise. I am just experiencing terrible feelings about gaining the weight. Part of me seriously desires to be bigger - I feel like I look unhealthy (even though my weight NUMBER isn't that low - I'm 5'3" and now 117 lbs). I know I'm too small because I'm wearing a size 1 in some stores, and I have absolutely no hips - this is not me! I want to look like I used to look (125-130 lbs) - I really do! I just need help getting there. It's so scary to look in the mirror and lift my shirt and know that my abs aren't going to be as defined, or that my legs aren't going to be as toned... all these effects that I have worked so hard to achieve.

Meg, you had such wonderful words of encouragement before and I truly took them to heart. It felt good to hear you say that you thought 1800 calories wasnt enough (which it obviously wasnt) and that you would be here for me next time I was feeling stressed - well here I am! I'm starting to freak out about gaining the weight back even though I know I WANT to look curvy and womanly again - I look like a pencil! Help! What's the deal with the mixing feelings?

Thanks so much for everything!

Answer
Hi Kelly,

Sorry for taking a day to get back to you.  I seem to be having computer problems lately.

In any case, I'm happy to hear from you again and its good that you are still working hard at getting better.  Trust me, I know how it feels like you are being pulled in two directions as you start to recover.  And, weight gain, while a necessary thing is not easy to deal and so your feeling concerned about losing what you have worked so hard is understandable and something that a lot of people experience.  I know that I did...and it was scary and really a leap of faith to believe that my body would be able to readjust and not be huge and our of control.  But, the truth is that you really CAN have a body that you are proud of and okay with and be healthy and eating disorder free.  

In terms of how quickly you will gain, its hard to say as different bodies react differently to refeeding.  However, it sounds like you have a good nutritionist who can help you reaccess your goals on a regular basis and see how your diet is working.  Generally, I feel like gaining is easiest to deal with emotionally as well as for one's body if it is done slowly and it sounds like your nutritionist is thinking the same.  I totally understand that even a pound can feel incredibly uncomfortable and especially when eating and getting healthy (and gaining a little bit of weight) is in opposition to what you've been doing for so long.  I know its somewhat cliche, but seriously the best advice I can give you in terms of sticking to your meal plan is to just hang in there and trust that it will be worth it and your body will find its balance again.  And, it will :)

In terms of the feelings, that is more difficult to deal with but will also get easier the healthier you get.  As I said before, it is totally normal and understandable to feel so conflicted about this and to sometimes want to be healthy and sometimes wish you were at your worst again.  As you get further away from being really sick, the bad days will get fewer and far between and the good days will continue to grow.  In the meantime, trying to look at the bigger picture of my life and what I really wanted in terms of goals helped a lot, so you might want to do this as well.  I found it a lot more helpful to find positive motivation (for instance,  succeeding in a specific career, having a relationship, traveling, family, hobbies, etc) and then look at how this stuff would be nearly impossible if I were obsessing about my weight and tired all the time from not eating and the toll that takes on one's body.  If you can find some of these things that really get you excited, that can be really beneficial right now.  Also, I think finding distractions (for the time being) as you begin to let some of the eating disordered thinking go (ie: counting calories, obsessing about your body, etc) can be really helpful.  Obviously, this is kind of a band aid and doesn't solve anything, but at least in my experience, this is kind of like giving up smoking in that some of the bad feelings will naturally lessen as you do get healthy and start to live again.  Finally, and I always kind of laughed at this when I was recovering but in retrospect it is helpful, if you can make a list or take stock of the things about you that you love that are non physical and then keep that for when you need to be reminded that you are so much more than JUST a body.  Granted, you may still experience the conflicted or bad feelings about your weight for a little while, but that helps to gain perspective that you have a lot of other things going for you as well.

I really know that you can do this and you have such a determined and positive attitude and are really taking proactive steps to get better.  So, give yourself a big pat on the back and know that you're on your way.

I don't know if you're familiar with this site, but they host a pretty active bulletin board that was helpful to me as I recovered.  Here is a link, just in case:

http://www.something-fishy.org/online/bulletinboard.php

Please take care and seriously, write anytime.  You can do it!

Best,
Meg