Expert: Joanne - 9/19/2006

Question
What did you learn from going through this experience?

Do you think that you wold go through this experience again?

Would you go through this experience again? Why or why not?

Answer
I have learned that putting my own health at risk in order to it into some image I see as being 'perfect' is definitely not worth it and that 'perfect' is unreachable.  No matter how much you lose, how thin you become, the goal is always being changed and therefore out of reach.  I'm not sure that I will ever say that I have learned to love my body from all of this, but I know that I HAVE to accept myself the way I am, otherwise I will live in a constant state of misery

I would like to say that I will never go through it again, but I know that I can't.  I moved back into a uni flat just two days ago, and I can already see myself slipping into old habits, but at least now I can spot when I am doing it and can limit the damage I do by trying to gain control as soon as possible.  I know in highly stressed situations that is where my mind turns.  If I'm ill and lose my appetite so don't eat very well for a few days due to that, again, I run the risk of turning that into an opportunity to return to my old behaviours.

Now, as I am at medical school, I am surrounded by people who are aware of these conditions and can spot them.  In fact, I think sometimes they are looking for them as they can be so common in such a high-achieving place.  A couple of years ago, the head of my medical school found out about my eating problems after one of the junior Drs that were there teaching for a year had noticed wounds on my knuckles and told him.  I know that they are aware of eating problems, and to an extent allow people to deal with them themselves, but I also know that if I lose too much or were to allow my academics to suffer due to it, I risk my place here.  I don't think that being skeletal and looking atrocious really is worth giving up my dreams for.  I have made the decision that I want to be here studying medicine, and I know that to do that, I need to be healthy.  There is not really a choice to be made - being ill and horrible to look at, very unsociable, and just miserable or studying at the best medical school in Scotland and having a great time with friends.  Really, what option would you rather have?

Holly