Expert: Meg - 2/10/2005

Question
My 15 year old daughter has a friend with anorexia. She gets angry very quickly and is difficult to deal with. She told my daughter today that she didn't care whether she lived or not. She is seeing a therapist, but her boyfriend just broke up with her. She is from a broken home and lives with her father. How can she help this friend? I don't know what to tell her. Any advice would be appreciated

Answer
Hello Patricia,

Thanks for your note and I'm sorry that you and your daughter are having to deal with this.  Hopefully, I can at least point you towards some resources that may be helpful for you.

I'm glad to hear that this girl is seeing a therapist and that her problem has at least been acknowledged.  Honestly, you'd be surprised at how long and how sick a person can be and still have her family (and herself) in denial.  So, it sounds like she is already at least going through the motions of wanting to do something about her illness.  Hopefully, as she continues to go to therapy, she will begin to want to recover and know that her life is worth fighting for.  

It is so kind that you wish to support this girl and I can say from my own experience that even knowing that people care and are behind you provides a lot of comfort.  It is quite possible (and it sounds like it from your note) that this girl is pushing people away and will not be openly receptive to your support at this time.  That said, I still feel that if you/your daughter let her know that you know she's struggling and that you care and if she wants to talk or needs something, you are there.  Even if she's not able to express that this is a comfort, I believe it probably would be.  

In terms of approaching her specifically about her eating disorder, I have found that people get pretty defensive so its easier to accept support rather than accusations or threats.  Eating disorders are usually unhealthy coping mechanisms and although they are terribly destructive, are serving as a means of comfort and a way to cope with difficult emotions or circumstances.  Again, these are things that this girl will have to work through with her therapist, but I'm sure she may be grateful having you two in her corner.

It is not surpring that she is angry and difficult to deal with as she is probably not doing great physically and her system is most likely out of whack.  I hope that she is also working with medical professionals to moniter her health.

Have you spoken with her father at all?  If you are really worried and feel that she is in danger, you may want to do that as well.  

I also want to make sure that you let your daughther know that its so important to keep her boundaries in situations like this (and you may want to check in with your daughter as well).  It is so difficult to watch a friend or loved one struggle and ultimately, only this girl can really make the decision to be healthy or not.  

Tell her to keep being a friend and care, keep treating her friend as a person-not someone who is sick-and most of all, tell her to keep taking good care of herself and making positive choices.  Oftentimes, a positive example of health is effective as well.

There is so much more good information out there and I want to give you a few links that will probably be helpful for you.

First, the Something's Fishy Website is a huge stockpile of information and has a good deal geared towards family and friends.  
http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/whatyoucando.php
http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/yourapproach.php

Finally, I can't figure out how to link this but I am copying a very helpful article from

www.concernedcounseling.com  by Joanna Popink  You may wan to share this with your daughter.

Good luck and I truly hope that everything works out and that I was able to help at least a little.  Please feel free to write again if there is anything at all that I can clarify or anything else you need.

Take care,
Meg

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Eating Disorders Articles
For Teens: When You Discover a Friend is Bulimic or Anorexic
by Joanna Poppink, M.F.T.

When you learn that a friend suffers deeply from an eating disorder, it can be like a sudden jolt that destroys your picture of the world.
Recognizing that such deep rooted, destructive and often deadly pain exists in your peers can be a loss of innocence and an awakening to mortality and the suffering in the human condition. It's a difficult but valuable experience for a person at any age.

If you live a fairly healthy and normal life, it may be difficult and even frightening to hear what her internal experience is. Often people with an eating disorder firmly believe that they are on a destructive path and that their behavior will kill them. Yet, they cannot stop. They know they are killing themselves. Some people are certain that no matter what day it is, they have six months to live from that day. They cannot plan a future or take anything or anyone really seriously since they don't believe they will be alive long enough to follow through on anything.

Some people suffering from eating disorders are so caught up in their illness they have no idea they are sick. But you can see when a friend is dangerously thin and yet is still dieting. You can see when a friend has no time for social relaxation and conversation because she is obsessing about her studies and must exercise two or three hours every day. You see when a friend thinks no one notices or believes she is engaging in normal behavior when she starves herself or seems to be afraid of food or finds ways to excuse herself so she can throw up after eating a meal or a snack with you.

When you discover that someone you know is bulimic or anorexic, you may question your criteria for evaluating the world and the people in it. Often you won't easily identify someone who has an eating disorder.

Some people are skeletal. Some are normally weighted. Some are a little overweight. Some are fat. Some of these people having eating disorders. Some look they way they do for other reasons.

There are some physical symptoms of bulimia and anorexia if the person throws up a lot. For example, their cheeks get puffy -- like a chipmunk -- from swollen glands. The knuckles on their hands can be rough from teeth rubbing against them during self induced vomiting. Enamel on teeth can be eroded. And there is a glazed-over look, what is called a "waxy smile" that accompanies many eating disorders.

Of course, that waxy smile is often considered beautiful, classical, goddess-like, serene, etc. So that perspective of beauty also helps to disguise or hide the eating disorder.

Learning about the secret pain of eating disorders is a sad aspect of coming of age. You can help by learning what you can about eating disorders, how your age group is affected and sharing the information.

You can help particularly by taking good care of yourself. This is help by example. Yes, you can listen to your friend, but don't try to be her therapist. Suggest that she get a therapist so she can constructively work on her healing. Tell her you know that many people find help through Overeaters Anonymous, even people who try not to eat at all.

Don't let yourself feel responsible for her welfare and think that you can show her how to stop her eating disorder. That's like trying to talk or love someone out of a high fever when they have the flu. Your friend's obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior around food are symptoms of her illness. She needs specific treatment in order to recover.

Yet you can help her. The more healthy you are, the more you cherish your gifts of mind, body and spirit, the more you appreciate the caring in your life and the opportunities available to you, the more you will be an example of health and positive youth. This will show young people with eating disorders, whether you recognize them or not, that there is a better way of living.

No guarantees exist. Your friend may criticize you. She may be embarrassed or ashamed with you because you know her secret. She may withdraw her friendship temporarily once you know about her eating disorder. She may find it difficult to face you.

Regardless of these possibilities, your example of kindness and consideration to yourself and others may be a major factor in your friend's healing process. The way you live your life may get her attention now or sometime in the future when you don't even know she is thinking about you. You can show her, in little things that are so normal to you, that you don't think about them; that a healthy way of living well exists. Your being committed to living an honest life based on integrity and health, using your talents to educate yourself and develop your abilities are more than giving gifts to yourself. Your way of life becomes a gift to others. You might, through being a healthy and self-respecting person, inspire your friend to seek help and begin her path to health and self-respect.

So when you discover your friend is bulimic or anorexic, be kind, be patient and stay strong in your own healthy ways of living. Health can be catching.



 

It is not surprising