Expert: Autumn - 11/18/2006

Question
heeeeeey!! yah i dooo  have instant messenger!! aol you mean? thats alrighty
i competley comprondo le busyness!! ive been doing better! i think ive come
over my fear of weight abit, because ive gained some back, and it makes me
in a better mood!! anyways ill talk to you later! my aol is mermaidjello33!
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
opps! sorry i sent the other one by accident! hows it going!? well last night
was the first time i  actually decied to use food to comfort my stress. it was a
really weird realization, because i usaually start of unintenionally,but this
time was like i was yerning for it. The bing did carry on into today tho... i
think im also stressing out with all the weight im gainging from the binging..
gosh its such a viscouse circle! it's like i want to get better, but im gainging
all this weight, which is making me feel worst about myself, which leads to
the "who the hell cares, just eat" mentally.It was really scary this time tho..my
heart as beating really fast.. do you have any tips on other things i could do if
im feeling super stressted out?!! people say go and take walks, but i dont
have alot of time because of homework!
Here are the lists of things you askd me:
A. List of everything I like about myself:
-my music taste
-my friendliness
-my curly hair (depending the day hehe)
-my bum
-my people skills
-my analyzing skills
-my combatibilty with working with people
-easy going ( sometimes)
-my taste in clothing
- good talker
B. Everything that makes me happy
-talking
-meeting new people
-dancing (not proffessionally just for funn)
-swimming
-music
-the trumpet
-exercising
-trying something new
-editing film
-making movies
-hanging out with my friends
-hanging out with my parents
-playing with my dog
-being at school
-going to thrift stores
-finishing my work (which i should be doing now hehe)
-making my own money
-SLEEP
-the colour yellow and seafoam green
-helping people resolve there personal problems
-drawing doodles
Everything that makes me upset:
-procrastinating anything ( mostly work)
-weight gain
-i can't fit into my clothes anymore.. and if i do its super tight..
-when my father drinks
-when my parenets talk about the lack of money they have
-when i look at myself..and wonder why guys i would be interested in,
wouldn't be interested in me too. (it's only the weirdo ones that are..)
-when i think about the eating disorder
-when i look back on such a good time in my life, and which i was there.
-when i read that im going to go through this for quite awhile...
C.Everything you would like your future to hold:
-HAPPINESS
-pure laughter
-fun
-trumpet lessons
-a job
-good marks
-CONFIDENCE <----
-HEALTH
-care-free when it comes to foods
-no calorie thinking
-SKYDIVING
-tattooo
-to love college to the most possible
-unison and happiness in my family
-learn how to deal with stress
- happiness for all of my friends
-traveling!
-to paint my room seafoam green!
- to accept myself
E.Why should i keep myeating disorder:
Gosh..i tried really hard to find a reason...but im just so unhappy with who i
am right now..i can't see a reason to keep it...perhaps other than a release of
stress...but for it me it just causes more stress on top of what i already have..
maybe the freedom of eating anything i want? that could be one. But
honestly, i always feel my lowest when i bing..i see no point in keeping it.
F.Why i shouldn't share these with you:
-because i dont no you
that's the only reason  i can come up with, but honestly i dont no the
therapists i've seen, and your helping me more than they have and i havent
even met you in person, and i believe talking helps the best.

Well those are my lists! i'll tallk to you later!! i acutally feel alittle better after
writing those, it's like i have something to look forward too! anyway byebye!!





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-----Question-----
hi! wow that really made me emotional to read that, but not sad. Thank you
so much for writing bacck! i really apperciate it! and im checking out the site
as i write you this! it seems very helpful! Wel..to answer a few of the
questions you asked in the pervious one.. im 17 years old. I just recently
started cejep (junoir college in montreal). So this is a really big transtional
period right now from highschool to college. Im reall enjoy it, but its alot of
work, and i get stressed our really easily, which i figured out leads me to
bing. Also, i don't no if you heard about it, but i go to dawson college, where
the shooting took placee early this spetember.. and that really screwed me
up..i was doing really well before that...but than it went downhill from there.
Sometimes i feel really good, like i no im going to get better, and that i've hit
my bottom point and the only way is up, but at times (usaually right after i
bing) i feel like its not worth living anymore..im worried..i think im becoming
a bit more sucidial than ive ever been...i mean..i havent done anything...but
my thoughts are wondering more now...its really scary actually...Also, (i no
this will sound very elementry school) but my mother just read my journal
where i kept all of my very personal stuff, and i feel as if i cant trust her
anymore, and have trouble talking to her. It's really hard now because she
was the one id speak too..but i just dont feel comfortable after this.. oh gosh
ive written alot! im sory! im not sure if im allowed to do this.. or if im
intruding on your private matters..but i was just wondering what your
experience was like? i compeletlly understand if you dont wnat to speak
about it!! it's just im wondering if everyone is basically the same through out
this or is it to each-his/her-own. anyways! yet again, i apperiate your reply!
and sorry for the bad spelling! byebye
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-----Question-----
hi,  i had become annorexic about a year ago, and came out with it last march
to
my friends and family. i have no turned into a bing eater, and i have my ups
and
downs. i just really want to no if theres any tips anyone  can give me to help
me
get through this. im so depressed, i just dont no what to do.
-----Answer-----
Hi there Zoe! I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to go through such a
rough time. I applaud you for recovering from anorexia, but just as many
others do, you've developed another eating disorder. This happened to me as
well, and after being anorexic I became bulimic, which was horrible, so I know
what you're going through even though I wasn't a binge eater. There are
plenty of tips I can give you, and there is plenty hope for you. You will get
through this Zoe. I promise you that. I know you've been through a tough
journey but there is hope in every possibility and you have the strength to
make it through. How old are you Zoe? What else is going on in your life that
you feel contributes to your depression and disease? What are your ups and
downs like and what feelings do you have when you go through both? Let me
know and I'll do my best to help you.
Also, I think it'd be a good idea to visit http://www.somethingfishy.org . It
has a lot of information that can help you.
Smile, because you've taken the first leap into recovery, have a beautiful day,
and I'm here for you when you need me.

-----Answer-----

Hi again Zoe, and you're most certainly welcome! I'm glad the little that I've
said so far has inspired you, and I'm glad you've found that link helpful! First
off, congratulations for the big journey you've begun by starting college! I
realize how big and stressful of a transition it is, and with everything you've
been through you should be so proud of yourself for staying strong. I'm also
very sorry to hear that you had to go through such a horrible experience, and
it's completely understandable that it caused you to go "downhill". Just have
hope in knowing that it's okay to be upset, but it's also more than okay to
move on. I've recently dealt with some deaths, and what gets me through it
all is realizing that though it doesn't make sense that it happened, it
happened for a reason, and it's in the past. Don't ever dwell in the past Zoe,
because it only will get you down. Let go and try your best to only see
forward. It was a horrible thing and I know it's stressful, but don't let it get
you down. Try your best to only see the positive of things, such as the fact
that you're alive and that it could have been much worse. When it comes to
the situation with your mum, I understand that it upsets you and that you feel
you can't trust or confide in her, because you're uncomfortable about it now. I
consider my mum my best friend, but I feel as though she "judges" me, so I
often put up a shield and act cynical towards her.  How did she feel about the
things she found out? I know that it probably feels very uncomfortable for
your secrets to have been let out, but realize it was probably for the best. I've
found that even as dark as some secrets may be, it's best to share them with
at least one person. I know at times you feel weak and as if you're in a dark,
deep hole that you don't have a ladder to escape from, but realize Zoe that
you are a very strong person and you've come a long way. From what I gather
you are an "emotional eater", which is exactly how many others are, including
me, so you're not alone Zoe. You're not weird or a bad person because of
this. Everyone has their weaknesses. When I get stressed out, the first thing I
used to do was head for the fridge or cupboards. There is a metaphor behind
eating disorders, and when it comes to bingeing, that metaphor can simply
be put to mean that you're finally in control of something that only you can
control. Everything else around you is not in your hands, but eating is. I know
that in my situation I also felt as though putting food in my stomach would
somehow make me not feel so empty and lonely when I've gotten depressed.
Food these days is often portrayed as something for comfort rather than
nourishment, so it's completely normal to feel a connection between food and
comfort, but the thing that is wrong with this when it comes to eating
disorders is that you not only feel comfort from food(In anorectics' cases,
restricting), but you feel control as well, and the control often becomes
blurred, which causes you to actually end up OUT of control. So how do you
get in control? Well, you've taken the first steps, and I'm proud of you for
doing so. You realize that you have an eating disorder. Now the biggest
problems when it comes to recovering is that a. You're addicted to the
satisfaction you feel from it. b. You'll start to deny that it's a problem. and c.
surprise surprise. You're NOT in control of it. I know you've probably heard
some form of "Well just stop doing it" when it comes to restricting/bingeing/
etc., but the thing people don't realize is that you did not choose to have an
eating disorder. An eating disorder chose to have you. Though we can control
our eating disorders in some way, and how extreme they become by
deliberately doing things, we're not the ones in the driver's seat. You truly
have a disease, and just as any other disease is out of your control, so are the
eating disorders. This doesn't mean that there's no hope in recovering, and
that you're a complete victim to it, this just simply means that you're going to
have to realize things as they truly are, and do everything you can to nip it in
the bud. You've got to take control. You've got to pick up the sword and fight
it, because otherwise it's going to win. Zoe, I know you already know you do
not want this to happen, and I KNOW you've got every ounce of strength
within you to fight this battle. I want you to make a few lists. I would like for
you to share them with me, and though they may take some time to write,
please do this, it's just a bit of extra "homework" that will change your entire
life. What I want you to make a list of is a. Everything you like about yourself
and what you don't. b. Everything that makes you happy and everything that
makes you feel upset. c. Everything that makes you feel comfort. d.Everything
you would like your future to hold. e. Why you should keep your eating
disorder. f. Why you shouldn't. Share these with me, and don't hold back
ANYTHING that comes to your mind. I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to
help you. Once I read the lists me and you will both be able to understand
you and that horrible disease in you, and we'll take even more steps on the
path of recovery. Now, let's talk about your ups and downs. Let me first say
that I know what you're going through when you say you have times of hope
and times of despair. This actually happens to everyone in the world, but we
people with depression/eating disorders face it much more often. On a
regular basis, I'd have days or weeks where I was happy, confident, and ready
to get better and throw away all of my fears. And then, something stressful
would occur in my life, or I'd be discouraged by something (Be it not fitting
into a pair of jeans or someone telling me I'm messed up) and I'd go right
back into my cave of hopelessness, and go right back into the cycle of
restricting or purging. What I started doing to overcome the sadness and do
everything I could to end my disorders was to convince myself that everything
is okay, because Zoe, everything IS okay. I also came to the conclusion that if
I wasn't worthy of being alive, and if my life didn't hold happiness in the
future, that I would have already been dead. See Zoe, you've got no reason at
all to be sad. No reason at all to feel hopeless. Because not only are you one
of the lucky ones enough to be ALIVE, you've got a beautiful future ahead of
you and you are important to this world. Anything and everything you want in
life can be yours, but you first have to shake all those true "don't wants" off,
which includes your eating disorder, and your negativity. Zoe, I'm here to tell
you that you are a WINNER. You are ALIVE. And you're going to stop existing,
and start LIVING. THRIVING. Because that's what you're alive to do. You're not
on this planet to struggle. You're not on this planet to dwell. be hopeless. be
sad. be angry. You're not on this planet to feel anything but pure JOY. That's
your guaranteed right as a living being. So realize that. Also, when it comes
to suicide, you must realize that it would be a permanent "solution" to a
temporary problem. You've got every reason to live Zoe, because your future
holds happiness, and I promise you your life isn't going to be like the broken
record it seems to be right now. You're not always going to feel sad. You're
not always going to struggle with your disorder. You're GOING to be happy
and get better, and even if it takes time to do so, I promise you it's worth it.
Realize that there's no reason to end your life now when you've got an
amazing future ahead of you. Realize how important you are to this world,
even if you don't feel important now. You create your future. You're more in
control of that than ANYTHING. So Zoe, you've got to shake off any negative
feelings you get and convince yourself that happiness is on it's way, because
it is. I promise you it is. If you want happiness, and if you want to recover,
you've got it. Now to conclude, I want you to know that you may write me as
much as you like, and tell me as much as you like. I'm here to help you. I'm
here to listen. I'm here to be with you as you take the steps of the path to
recovery and happiness, because THAT Zoe, is what you deserve.

I will be more than happy to share my story with you, but in the next e-mail
as this one was quite long.

Have a beautiful day, stay strong, and be proud of yourself!
-----Answer-----
Hello Zoe! Once again I haven't been able to get on the computer until very
late. I apologize! Thankfully it is the weekend now and I will be able to
actually take time so that I can email you with everything I want to say. It is
2:29 AM now but I will email you as soon as I wake up! I just want you to
know that you are important and I know you can stay strong and do this! Until
you read my next email, know this. YOU are getting better. There are no ifs,
ands or buts about it. You are a beautiful, strong girl and your life is going to
turn around for the better. You're on the right path, and even though it's
taking baby steps, you ARE getting there. If you feel the need to binge today,
think about the things that TRULY make you feel good. TRULY make you feel
happy. And do something on that list. Realize how binging truly makes you
feel, and that it truly isn't worth it. I know you're attached to your disorder, I
was too, and at some point I felt there was no way I could give it up, but I
DID! And it's the best decision you'll ever make. Don't let your disease fool
you. You CAN beat it, and you will. All you have to do is start.
Have a beautiful day, and I will talk to you soon!
P.S
If you have instant messaging and would like to talk on that at any point, let
me know!

Answer
Hello Zoe! I'm glad you're doing good, I have all the hope in the world for you! Now here is my response to the email I hadn't yet responded to:
I know it's a vicious cycle Zoe but you can break it! I promise you, YOU CAN! When you feel stressed out there are many things you can do. I think the biggest thing that helped me was to create a journal (I apted for one online), and write in it whenever I feel stressed and need to get my feelings out, but don't want to share them with others. You can go on livejournal.com and sign up for one, which you can keep private, and use it every time you feel the urge to. It's also nice to look back and see what you can improve as well as what you've improved on as far as your thinking goes. What we need to get you to do is to be POSITIVE! In every aspect Zoe, you need to be positive. No matter what! We'll discuss this later, because I have a lot to say to you. Right now my focus will be on helping you figure out what you can do about stress, which is something that you should never, ever feel! Take the list that makes you happy and put it in a place that's always in your reach. When you feel stressed, do something on the list! If you have a lot of time and you're feeling stressed, play with your dog, go shopping, do some yoga! If you don't have much time, pop in one of your favorite cd and doodle. I love drawing myself! If you want to know what I personally do to cope with stress, here are some examples:
- Day dream. I think about what I want my life to be, in a positive light (don't yearn for anything, just KNOW that you will have a great life), and I think about all the little things and memories I have that make me feel comfort and joy.
- Draw. Really cheesey drawings at that! I doodle things that are positive, and symbolize happiness. Flowers. Stars. Silly little faces.
- A funny thing I do that lightens up my mood is to take out a mirror and make silly faces at myself. It's goofy but it always makes me feel better!
- Read! I read jokes, inspirational quotes, a how-to book on something I'd love to do. Anything that will make me feel joy!
- Affirmations. When I feel stressed or depressed, one of the best things to do is to look in the mirror, and tell myself little affirmations like "I am going to be okay, my life is but a dream. I will make it a good one." or "Things are going to get much better. Today will be the past by tomorrow. And tomorrow I will have a wonderful future to look forward to." It seems offbeat and weird to do at first, but trust me, it helps!
- The number one thing that I do almost every day when I feel like I'm starting to have a negative mood is stop.take a deep breath.clear my mind and tell myself in my head that things are wonderful.I am free.inhale. REPEAT! You can tell yourself anything that you feel will help you, but do this and do it often! It WILL help! If you feel a binge episode coming on, stop everything you're doing and thinking and take a deep breathe, tell yourself you can end this, all is well. and repeat until you feel positive and stress free!
Now, onto the lists I asked you to make. GOOD job! Very good job! You listed positive things and I see that you are in a pretty good state of mind right now, even though you're having to go through such a tough time! Zoe, you are an amazing person and there is light within you, even though at times you feel you can't end your bad habits or you feel depressed. You're not meant to be stressed Zoe, and you're not meant to binge or starve. You're not meant to worry about anything, including weight. You're meant to be happy! You're meant to grow! You're meant to learn! And you will! I'm glad to read your happy list, now you read over it and see that there's something not on that list. BINGING. Binging really does not make you happy, and it doesn't make you feel good. Worrying also doesn't make you happy or feel good. So realize this and see that those two things really do not have to be in your life Zoe! They really don't! Now onto the things that make you upset, and what you can do about it. I'm going to focus on the things I think are most important to point out.
Number one is weight gain and not being able to fit into clothes. Zoe, you're not alone. This upsets a lot of people. What you need to do is realize that gaining a bit of weight is such an insignificant thing. Fitting into a certain size is insignificant too, compared to all the other things in the world. I know it hurts when you can't fit into an old pair of jeans, or you look on the scale and see a bigger number than last time, but shake it off. Realize it's no big deal. Eating disorders have given you a perspective that it is, but it really is not. What's important is that you are HEALTHY. Truly healthy. And you are truly going to be that, so don't worry about scales or clothing. They don't matter compared to everything else! Now, about your parents. I know it's hard to NOT be upset by these things, but you must see let these things that upset you go into one ear and out the other. What you do Zoe, which is what I used to do too, is you ABSORB. You're like a sponge for a negativity, and this is what stresses you out. What you're going to do, is you're going to learn to be a filter. Instead of absorbing the bad things, you're going to filter them out. You know what a colander is, right? Well, imagine that you've got a pot of noodles. The noodles represent everything positive. A good grade on an essay. The feeling you get what you find out someone you like is interested. Doing really well when you play the trumpet. The water, represents the bad things. The pain you feel when your father drinks. The rude comment someone made to you. The doubt you feel. So what you do, is instead of being like a sponge, and absorbing everything, you're going to filter all of your feelings. The "noodles" (Good things!) are going to STAY in your mind, and the water (the bad things) are going to go straight down the drain! So when you start to feel doubt, anger, sadness...ANYTHING negative, dump it in the colander. Let it go down the drain. DON'T absorb it. Because it is NOT worth it. What matters most in your life is your happiness, because if YOU'RE happy, if YOU'RE positive, everything else around you will start to lighten up. So don't think about your eating disorder. Let that feeling go and think about how healthy and good you'll feel when you get better! Don't think that a guy can't like you, think that if it's meant to be, if they're really worthy of your time, that you'll end up with them! And about going through this for a while, says who? If you got that impression from me, I apologize. It doesn't HAVE to be awhile Zoe. You can get through this as quickly as you want to. You just have to convince yourself that you want to. You just have to let the disease go down the drain. You're much stronger than your eating disorder, and even though in a lot of ways it's out of control, you can get IN control with the positivity and strength only YOU posess. It may take baby steps, but it can also take big leaps. Just use your power. Realize what you want your life to be, and realize that this doesn't include having
an eating disorder. This doesn't include worry or negativity. It includes PURE happiness. PURE laughter. PURE fun. Confidence. Everything else you listed. Everything on your list is YOURS if you want it. I promise you. You're going to accomplish it all. What you said about why you should keep the disorder...GOOD answer. You realize you don't need it. You realize you don't want to keep it. So realize now that you don't have to! You may not have had the power to let go of it in the past, but you have every thing you need to get rid of it NOW. So do it. You CAN do it. & on the last list, what I meant was "why you shouldn't keep it", but I think you and I both know the answers to that!

         Until next time,
         Autumn

P.S Zoe, You've got A LOT to look forward to. :)
& if you've got any questions at all or anything you'd like to say, go for it! I'm all ears and I will do the best I can to help you out!