Expert: Meg - 5/31/2007

Question
dear meg,
 first i would like to say i am so grateful to have a person like you to just talk to about anything i have to say about my eating disorder. i am just so grateful, you are wonderful. :) well... i have an eating disorder, anorexia, and some bulimia. whew! where do i start? since about the 7th grade i have had disordered eating, after a fellow classmate told me i had nice big legs (since all the girls had to wear skirts) and this made me so uncomfortable around guys that i guess i just wanted to change by body to a little girls. i know this contributed to it, and also low self esteem. i dont like my race and i think that too many people are always trying to figure out what race i am,and this makes me feel inadequate ,, like i dont belong, but anorexia kind of made me feel like i do belong, and this is why i am so scared to let this disorder go. who will i be without it. i have alot of insecurities and so i guess this eating disorder, sort of covers up my real problems,,, like i am telling you, i dont like my race. i am iranian(persian)/ and my mother is african american/ethiopian. i am embaressed of her race, it is hardto say. i dont look like her, i look middle eastern. last week (i am 18) was my graduation... i didnt go, because i didnt want my friends to see my mom. and i love my mom.

anyways, my anorexia got really bad about 3 or four years ago. monday through friday, i couldnt eat or drink anything, only days i could eat were sat and sunday. on fridays i would stay up till midnignt to start my binge. and this lasted for about 4 months, i dropped from 122 to 89 pounds, and i'm 5'4. i did get therepy for 22 weeks, and i went back up to 107 pounds. although i dont starve mon-friday, i restrict an awful lot. i donot know how much i weigh currently, but its probably over 102 pounds because i am getting my period, but it's not all the way, it somtimes stops then comes back and then it doesnt stick around for a full seven days.
i want to be free of this disorder, the first few years it was fun, i lost weight, i was miserable but i loved it. but as the years go on.... when will it stop? i want to eat, i love rice! oh it is my favorite, i love sweets, i love treats, i love food! so why cant i let go of my anorexia? i dont know how to start. i think i can do it by myself but how? all i need is a push. everyday... i starve from the time i wake up, until 9:00 at night, and i eat very low carb. but... i want to eat when i want, whatever i want at no specific time, and love it and not feel the least bit guilty. i want to get better,,, i'm in a prison, and the only person thatcan get me out ... is me. why am i my worst enemy. i want to love myself... but i guess i am scared to gain weight , i am terrified. i know the underlying problems,, i need a push, i need someone to talk to, sometimes i feel like the people around me or my parents dont understand. my father and mother really want me to gain at least 15 pounds,,, i want to make them happy,, i know that once i start eating i will gain weight, and that is ok with me,, but i am soo scared. i am tired, i am so tired of this! i absolutly have no life, no real friends, all i have is my anorexia, and that is so sad. i wat to move on... i want to go to colledge, get married, have a healthy family, i want to be someone, i want to be me. i dont want my eating disorder with me, it brings out such negativity, such downness, soo much moodiness, it is not who i am. i am on medication (prozac) and i have to say it has helped in my bulimia alot! but it doesnt make my feel as good as zoloft(but i got off because i thought it was going to make me gain)
another problem.. (i am very sorry for this being long)everyone at work and everywhere knows me as being very skinny, i am scared as to what they will think of me when i put on some weight. how do i break free, my mother is trying to find me another theripist but it is taking to long, so how do i do it by myself? how did you get through it? did you gain weight? how did it feel? what was the reaction of your family and friends, did you critsize yourself when you were recovering. what keeps you motivated meg? i am tired, i am sick and tired. i am 18 years old! why me? it is not easy, i have also dealt with over the counter drug abuse, and illegal drugs, and i have very heavy duty cuts all over my body, so bad i canprobably never wear a dress or shorts or sleeveless shirts. on that not i am pround to say that i have been drug free for about 8 months but i did cut again last month but hope to do it never again, no matter how upset i am with myself . thank you very much for your time, and i really feel that people like you can change peoples lives and perspectives. i look up to you, a person who has been though the things i have/am oing through, and i thank you.  

Answer
Hello Monier,

Thanks so much for your message and I really hope that I can be of some help and I'm sorry that you have gone through all of this.  I have to say, you sound so incredibly mature and self aware and I am in awe at how well you are able to express yourself.  That is really great and that self awareness as well as what sounds to me like some understanding about eating disorders can help you take more steps towards fully recovering.  

It sounds like you're pinpointed some of the reasons that you developed your ED, which is good.  I can imagine that it must be difficult to feel uncomfortable with your race and I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with that right now.  I remember high school and know that a lot of the times, I just felt like I wanted to blend in.  And, I promise you that the funny thing about getting a little older and being in your twenties is that you begin to see how silly it is to want to be just like everyone (as first of all, its impossible as everyone is unique and secondly, the people who are most interesting are the people who fully embrace their uniqueness).  While I'm sure it might be difficult being multi-ethnic now (especially if you are not in an area where that is the norm), I would guess that your heritage of being both Persian and Ethiopian makes you exotic and beautiful.  There are tons of people who would LOVE to be exotic and will never be.  Its the old "grass is always greener" thing, I think.  I'm rambling but what I mean to say is that your heritage and where you come from is something to (at least eventually) be embraced.  My guess is that later on, you will be so proud and happy about your ethnicity.  I know this probably doesn't help right now, but please try to keep it in mind if you can.  Okay ;)


As for being embarrassed about your friend seeing your Mom, I used to not want to be seen with my Mom either (and she is totally *normal* but was embarrassing for other reasons).  My point, I think its not that unusual to feel a bit of embarrassment right now as you are becoming your own person and parents are kind of the old/kid you while you are becoming the new/young adult you.  Its good that you love your Mom and I know that you'll be less embarrassed as time goes on.

Its great that you've gotten some therapy and it sounds like you've gotten something out of that experience.  And, that you WANT to be free of this is really wonderful as sometimes the hardest part is actually wanting to be healthy again.  First of all, you have been struggling with this for quite some time (6 years, if my math is correct) so recovery probably will take awhile and unfortunately is not usually something that happens without a lot of two steps forward one step back going on.  I notice that you are pretty afraid of gaining weight (which is understandable as you were anorexic for so long) and I'm wondering if you weight yourself now.  It sounds like you might now, as you don't know your weight-and I want to say that this is probably a good idea.  I know that for myself, giving up the scale was one step away from the horrible obsessiveness that I lived with for so long.  You said that you know that getting better and eating will mean that you may gain some weight and depending on where you are, this may  be true.  However, one thing that really is helpful is focussing a lot less on the weight gain and a lot more on the multitude of things you want.  You are very lucky in that you have a huge list already!  

Some of the things you mentioned wanting (from your note) include:  Friends, having a life, college, marriage, a healthy family, fully being yourself.  This is a great list and I encourage you to write it down for yourself and add to it.  This stuff, the great things that CAN NOT happen when you are stuck in an eating disorder can be your motivation to fight and continue on even on the more difficult days.  This may sound a little cheesy, but one thing that I did early on in recovery and loved was I made a college with what I wanted in life and hanging it up so that I had something tangible and visual to see whenever I needed it.  You can do this by getting some posterboard, glue and then finding old magazines and newspapers and cutting out whatever inspires you that you want to have in your life.  For instance, you can cut out words that inspire you (I think I had "happiness" "freedom" "creative", etc), pictures, places, photos of colleges, career stuff, etc.  Don't pick weight/food stuff but pick anything else that you want (and will) have in your life.  Then, look at it everyday and remember that you CAN get these things and every time you give your body the food it needs to have the energy to put towards your  goals, you are taking one step towards these things.  This helped me a lot in finding that I was not eating to get fat or just to appease people but so that I could get out there and be what I wanted to be.

As far as the work people, I would say that they may or may not notice that you are getting healthier (notice, not fatter as you are not by any stretch of the imagination get fat-but they may notice that you don't look as sickly eventually which people will take as a positive thing) but I don't think it will they will take as much notice as you think.  We (eating disordered people) think SO much more about weight than the average person.  Also, another factor is that your body image is probably very distorted due to having an eating disorder for so long so you may think that any weight you gain is a big deal and incredibly noticeable when its not so much.  I know this is a difficult thing as it may "look" bad to you, but to most people it probably is not noticeable or else will appear that you just look healthier and happier.  On this same subject, I want to caution you about the comment "you look healthy" as I know it triggered me and I've heard from numerous other girls who have also interpreted that as "you look fat".  It does not mean this and that is another lie that comes out of having an eating disorder.  Being recovered, I can now see that looking healthier means having better skin, looking more rested, having shiny hair again, etc...not FAT.  

Its good that your Mom is looking for another therapist.  In the mean time, I don't know if you're familiar with this site  but they have a pretty comprehensive treatment finder, including listings for support groups which might be good for you at this point.  Here you go:

http://www.something-fishy.org/treatmentfinder/pmd_new/

You may also find the bulletin board on their site helpful

http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/

In terms of my story, I will say that recovery is not always easy and some days are tough.  I got through it by first of all, understanding what caused me to develop an eating disorder and then figuring out what function having an eating disorder served for me (for instance, for me it felt like I was controlling my life and also helped with my anxiety).  After doing this work (which you can do most easily with a therapist but its possible to do on your own as well) then I consciously found new methods to cope with the triggers (things that caused me to act out with my eating disorder) and made a commitment to myself to try to use these new healthier things (for instance: writing in a journal, calling a friend, knitting, going for a walk, listening to music, etc...make a list of your own as different things work for different people).  As far as gaining weight, it was hard.  I stopped weighing and tried to educate myself about nutrition.  The more I was able to see food as fuel, the easier it got to take care of my body by nourishing it.  I also did a lot of soul searching during this time and thought about what I wanted out of life as well as the bigger picture and what living really meant to me.  As I did this, I began to see that while caring about weight was something that mattered a lot to me at the time and would always probably be a little on my mind, there were other things that meant a lot more to me.  Family, friends, being creative, being a person that contributes, connecting with people...these things became just as important to me and as I tried to open my life to including them, there was gradually less and less time to obsess about food and weight as I once had.  It was all, for me, a really gradual process but one that I was aware of and was sometimes hard.  Another thing I noticed is that as I began to get better, it felt like my emotions (which had been frozen a lot of the time when I was sick) began to thaw and I began to feel things more deeply.  This was scary and a little weird at first, but now I would not trade living and being more a part of the world for anything.  What kept and keeps me motivated are my goals and dreams for myself.  You have goals and dreams too and I'm quite sure that if you really take some time to sit down and think about the bigger picture and what you ultimately want, you will see that being healthy and happy is part of that plan.  

It is normal to ask "why me" and doctors theorize about this all the time.  Some say its genetics while others say temperament while others say a lack of good coping mechanisms.  However, my advice is to look at this as an experience that you have been through that you can learn from.  I've found that many people I know who have been through an ED or anything else difficult can use that to learn more about themselves and to develop empathy and kindness towards others.  

Finally, I want to say that I know I really needed to learn how to be nicer to myself.  I have found this often is true for people as they recover.  Many of us are perfectionists and feel loveable only if we are "perfect" and live up to some silly ideal that exists only in our heads.  It is so important to find a way to see yourself as the fully flawed, yet perfect in your own way human being that you are.  There is beauty in being human and there is beauty in all of the little quirks and traits that make you YOU.  I know it takes time but forgive yourself for not being someone of something that you think you should be and concentrate on finding out who you ARE and fully being that.  Again, this sounds cheesy but its there that you find the real magic in life.

Its great that you have been drug free for 8 months and I'm proud of you for working on the self injury.  In my opinion, all of these behaviors are often related and the more you can find some peace with one the more the others will subside.

Okay, I feel like I've written you a novel and I apologize.  Your note really touched me and I wanted to give as comprehensive answer as possible.  I hope that its helped and please keep fighting and know that recovery is worth it and YOU are worth it.  You can do this.

Write anytime, okay?

Best,
Meg