Expert: Meg - 5/30/2007

Question
Hello, Iam 25y/o and since the age of 9 I have been struggling with my weight. I am obsessed over it, its all I ever think about.I never eat anything in front of anyone because I fear they will be disgusted,that I shouldn't be eating.I have forced myself to vomit after eating too much, I often fast( since abt 8y/o) (one time only drinking water for 13 1/2 days),chewing and spitting,taking dieting pills,teas, herbs,exercising and constantly agonizing over the control food has on me.I am not by any means underweight. I have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder the medication prescribed to me(small dose of Depakote),just seems to make me so much more capable to continue in these bad habits and makes me so much stronger not to give into urges when I am fasting.However as I sit here wrighting this I have been fasting for several days and I am so completely sick and disgusted with myself. I can not stop this cycle. I can not stop the compulsive need to control my physical body. I have never told anybody about these things that I do. Are they a sign of a possible eating disorder? Do all woman go through these struggles? If I have been doing these things for such a long time how can I stop if indeed it is a disorder? Does being bi polar have anything to do with it? Please help! Thank you sincerely! :(

Answer
Hi Suzanne,

Thanks for your question and I hope that I can be of some help or at least point you in some helpful directions.  I really commend you for reaching out and I know that it is not at all easy to do that, as well as to come to terms with what is going on.  That takes a lot of bravery and it shows what a strong person you are in being able to do that.

First off, I want to talk about some of the stuff you mentioned that is going on including:
-being aware and unhappy with your weight since age nine  (so basically for 2/3 of your life)
-feeling currently obsessed with your weight to the point that this is the main thing you think about
-fearing eating in front of others
-using extreme measures (vomiting, chewing and spitting, taking diet pills, excessive exercise) to control your weight
-fasting for extended periods of time

Even if this seems normal to you right now (which is totally understandable as it is your life-and so it is right now "normal",) if you can try to pretend that your little sister or a kid cousin or someone you care about told you these things.  Would you think that she was okay and "normal" or would you think that there are some bigger things going on that are cause for concern?

It sounds like you have become accustomed to these behaviors and worse, to feeling this badly about your body/food/weight since its been going on for so long.  My heart really goes out to you as I understand from my own struggles how it can seem like this is just part of being a woman and part of life.  But, having been through it and being on the other side, I honestly want to tell you that being stuck in these cycles is more existing than living.  You can find happiness and peace and be free of this stuff and even if it seems like a far cry right now, I promise you that the little steps you can begin taking will eventually add up to bigger ones that will lead to not having this to drag you down all the time.  

I am guessing that since you are on meds already, you have access and are at least occasionally talking with a psych?  If you are, then you might want to bring up eating disorders and what is going on when you are talking to your doctor.  I know that some psychiatrists are more about helping stabilize you medically and chemically but aren't as adept in talking about stuff so if this is the case, you might want to consider finding a therapist who is more experienced in eating disorders.  While it *is* possible to make progress without a therapist, I feel like since this has been going on for so long for you and is so ingrained at this point, that talking with a professional who can help you understand why you have the compulsive need to control your body and help you find ways to feel in control and okay with things without using food and dieting.  

I would say that its true that many women today feel somewhat unhappy with their bodies due to the pervasive media images of a generally unattainable ideal with which we are presented.  That said, an eating disorder takes things a whole lot further.  Most women don't *hate* their bodies and feel terrible about themselves and their lives because they can't control their bodies enough.  Most women don't go to the extremes (fasting, pills, etc) that those of us who develop eating disorders will.  

This site, which also has a lot of other good information, describes the difference between an eating disorder and just a diet very well:

http://www.something-fishy.org/whatarethey/edordiet.php

Here are a few more links that might be helpful for you:

some self assessment quizzes:

http://www.caringonline.com/eatdis/misc/edtest.htm

http://www.aplaceofhope.com/evaluations.html

http://www.novalunacenter.com/SelfAssessment.htm


a treatment finder:

http://www.something-fishy.org/treatmentfinder/pmd_new/

As far as bi-polar disorder and if that has anything to do with your developing an eating disorder I'm not sure if there is any link but I do know that it is fairly common for other disorders and eating disorders to overlap.  I know that on the Something's Fishy site I mentioned earlier, there is a section of their bulletin  board devoted to co-existing disorders and here is a link if that might be of help to you:

http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/forumdisplay.php?f=21

It really sounds to me like you are stuck in the vicious cycle of an eating disorder and I think at least a tiny little part of you feels that as well, since you were impelled to write and ask about this.  I hope that you can make take some of these quizzes and maybe read some more on the Internet about eating disorders so that you can see more clearly what is going on.  And, I hope that you will continue to reach out-to a therapist or your current psych, to your friends and family and to people online (on this site or on a support board) so that you can know you are not alone in going through this.  And, that you CAN get out of this cycle and start feeling better again.  

I know it sounds cheesy, but I've been there and my biggest regret is the time I wasted.  Its not worth it and although its hard and scary reaching out for help, its so very worth it-as are you.

Best of luck to you and I hope this answered your question.  Please feel free to write again if anything in my answer is not clear or if there is anything else that I can help with.

Best,
Meg