Expert: Meg - 8/13/2007

Question
Hi, I'm 23 now and I used to be anorexic when I was about 17. I started eating again and have been at a normal weight, but it has been going up and down most of the time. Now I have had a tough time with a lot of things happening, and I find myself falling back into the old ways of thinking... I just started trying to learn normal eating this year, tried to get rid of my lists of forbidden food and stuff and eat everything, but now I'm losing control. I keep thinking that I want to lose weight and that I have to eat less and exercise more. But I'm also afraid of being anorexic, and sometimes I start bingeing (not that much, but it just feels so out of control then)and then I promise myself again that I will eat less and never do this again etc. I just got stuck. I want to learn how to deal with food in a normal way. How can I do that? I want to stop thinking of eating/not eating all the time... Just eat when I'm hungry and what I'm hungry for, without feeling guilty or becoming fat. But how do you do that? I'm also afraid that I might gain a lot of weight if I start eating normal because my metabolism is probably quite messed up... I would be really glad if you could give me some answers or suggestions. Thanx a lot!

Answer
Hi Sabrina,

Thanks for your question and I hope that I can be of some help (or at least point you in some helpful directions).  It sounds like you have come a long way from being anorexic at 17 to where you are now.  So, kudos as I know that its not easy to move forward.  And, as you have experienced, it does take time.  

It sounds like you still have a lot of the eating disordered thinking and some behaviors going on and you're right that its a good goal to completely get rid of them.  You are also very wise to notice that other things going on in your life that are stressful or difficult can set you up for a set back in terms of your recovery and its good that you're aware of this happening.  

First off, I don't know if you've tried a therapist at all but if you haven't, that might be a helpful tool as it is important to learn how to deal with all of life's  stresses without using food or your body.  I believe that this is possible to do without a therapist, but often a lot quicker when you have some outside perspective.  Either way, you might want to look at some of the triggers for you that make you think "I need to lose some weight" or "If I weighed XXX, things would be better", etc.  Once you've identified these things, then you can be more aware when they crop up and kind of work on the underpinnings that keep you in this cycle.  

Its also helpful to look at your goals.  You're in the exciting part of your life (hehe...I'm now in my late 20's and can say this being an "elder"...haha) where you starting to build the kind of life that you want.  Obviously, getting stuck (or staying stuck) in an eating disorder is going to take a lot of your precious time and energy.  However, one helpful tool to fully move past this is to really look at your goals and dreams.  What do you ultimately want?  If you end up with any eating disordered things on this list, then take them a step further.  For instance, if you think, "I want to be thin and beautiful" then take that further and figure out what will happen once you are what you would consider thin and beautiful.  A guy? A career?  These things are what you REALLY want.  Does that make sense?  

Working on some healthy coping mechanisms for to deal with life's stresses is also important.  Off the top of my head, some ideas include: yoga, walking, journaling, creative writing, singing, playing an instrument, drawing, calling a friend, making a great cup of coffee or tea and then taking some time to really enjoy it, playing a game online, sending someone a snail mail...the list can go on and on and it is helpful to figure out what works for you to de-stress and get yourself back to a place of calm and healthiness.

In terms of the food stuff (which I know, is not easy to find a balance with) I think the most important thing is REALLY wanting to be done with your eating disorder and move forward.  Now, working on your life goals (as I mentioned in the previous paragraph) can help with this but I think it also takes somewhat of a leap of faith that you can still be okay and have a good body without engaging in eating disordered behaviors.  And, although it goes against eating disordered logic, you absolutely can!  I promise.  The downside is that it does feel uncomfortable sometimes and scary giving up the last bits of pseudo-control that came with your eating disorder.  

Again (sorry for recommending working with professionals, but it just simplifies things) you might want to consider meeting with a dietician or nutritionist, even once.  This can help you make a plan for *your* body so that you get all of the nutrients that you require.  Even without a nutritionist, I would recommend doing some research and making a comprehensive meal plan that covers all the bases.  When you are eating what you actually NEED, your bingeing should really stop and eating will begin to feel more normal and less out of control.  I also feel (and found myself) that as you are introducing new stuff that has previously been "forbidden" to your diet, it is going to feel a little scary.  Again, this is a time when you have to step back and try to take as big a perspective as you can and label the scared thoughts as "eating disordered thoughts, not reality".  It still feels scary, but when you can do this then it takes a little power away from them.  

In terms of adding new foods to your diet, I recommend doing this slowly and being really gentle with yourself as you continue to work on making your diet "normal".  Most people do feel a little freaked out and sometimes feel like they ate too much.  I've learned that this, too, is pretty normal.  Some days, one is really hungry and sometimes not so much.  "Normal" (if such a thing truly exists) people do vary from day to day, but not in an eating disordered way.  I think that a big part of getting where you want to go also involves being really kind and gentle with yourself as you keep taking steps and trying this.  

In terms of your metabolism, if you are really concerned, then your doctor can do some tests to see how things are working.  However, the most effective thing for metabolisms, I've found is to be as consistent as possible with your eating for awhile.  Even if you're not too hungry, try to get on a schedule (at least for awhile) sot hat your body knows its no longer starving and can get back to healthy functioning.

I hope this stuff helps as I feel like I'm rambled a bit here and hope that your questions have been sufficiently answered.  Please feel free to write again if there is anything else I can help with and best of luck to you.  You really sound like you are on you're way and I've no doubt that you can do this!

Take care,
Meg