AboutMeg Expertise I am recovinging from about nine years with my eating disorder and while I am not a psychologist, I`ve accumulated a good deal of knowlege about eating disorders as well as my own experience over this time. I`ve mainly struggled with anorexia, but have definitely had times where I have engaged in bulimic behaviors as well. I also struggle with over exercising, but am about to be certified as a personal trainer and have learned moderation as well as how to treat my body well so it can perform at it`s best. I promise to give an honest answer to anything asked, and I want to say that while it is a long, scary road---it is possible to get free of this and it is so important to keep on taking little steps and knowing that you are not alone.
Experience Sufferer for nine plus years. Also, my Mom has strugged with this issue- as have others in her side of the family.
Question Hi Meg,
i had a question about my eating disorder habits. i have been anorexic for
about 3 years diagnosed, and high school before that i had all the same
behaviors but i managed to keep my weight in the normal range for athletics
by allowing myself one "eat" day a week (usually Sunday when everyone else
was out of the house and and wouldn't see). I am now in college, and the
pressure to eat and comments about my weight (most are envious) are
nonstop, and i decided to eat lunch with a friend yesterday. i spent the entire
morning rationalizing to myself that it was going to be okay, it was just one
lunch, etc. but after, like IMMEDIATELY after, i knew i had to get it out, even
though it wasn't more than 300 calories, and i went back to my room (only a
block away) and threw up.
i have always HATED throwing up...it's hard, i hate the act of it, and i never
felt better about the food that i ate in the first place. but yesterday felt
amazing afterwards. it was like everything quieted and calmed, like i was
high. i have only purged three or four times in my LIFE before, but then last
night, after eating my steamed veggies with mustard, which is a safe food
and
only 75 calories anyway, i purged again. i even decided to do it WHILE i was
eating. it wasn't that i cared about the calories, but i figured, "hey. it felt
amazing, and you will be fine if this stays in, but 10x better if it comes out." i
wasn't freaked about the food, but throwing it up was a win-win. i got to be
high again, and i lost the calories.
so today, my throat is completely raw, and after lunch (which i ate more than
i would have if i weren't planning to purge afterwards) i tried to throw up
again, but i couldn't... i gagged for about 30 minutes and like 10 calories
came up, mostly the water that i chugged after i ate...
my questions are:
-WHY did it feel good all of a sudden and
-did i do something bad to myself that my body won't throw up again?? i'm
not so much worried about the food today (i worked out tons), but i'm afraid
since my throat hurts now and i can't throw up that that's not normal.
i know you don't want to encourage me, i know what i am doing is bad for
me, etc...i wouldn't have asked if i weren't completely throw for a loop.
*and i apologize for being graphic.
Answer Hey Bri,
Thanks for your question and I hope that I can be of some help. I, too, hate throwing up and so I was never *good* (in terms of my eating disorder) at it and feel a bit limited in knowledge in this area. However, my guess is that it probably felt good at the time because you are pretty deep into your eating disorder right now and being able to get rid of the food you've just eaten (even if its not much) probably feels like you are taking restriction one step further. I know that its different for everyone, but often one of the positive feelings we get from an eating disorder is feeling in control, feeling virtuous, sometimes I've even heard (and felt when I was sick) empty-which in the midst of an eating disorder feels like a really good thing. So, that combined with the even further restriction (which, as you probably know can cause a temporary feeling of a high) probably made it feel good yesterday. However, as you have seen today-your throat feels really terrible and you have to deal with the after effects which are not good. Its also important to remember that an eating disorder often feels "good" in the beginning, but that is how we can get trapped.
I'm not sure why you were unable to throw up today, but (although I know you probably won't like this answer) it is a good thing. It's actually not normal to be able to throw up and perhaps your body is looking out for itself by not letting you do it today. Honestly, I don't at all want to lecture you as I know that is annoying but purging really is dangerous (especially when you are pretty much anorexic and purging). There are a lot of health risks (here is a web page-just as a reminder http://www.something-fishy.org/dangers/dangers.php ).
Your note sounds like you probably have a ways to go before you are ready to recover from your anorexia (which is okay-it takes time to even want to let go of it sometimes) and I really suggest that even if you are not at a point that you want to work on recovery, that you don't add another problem to your current situation. Its really not worth it and will just damage your health even more.
I hope this helps and please feel free to write anytime if there is anything else that I can help with.
